tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79343768837908249522024-03-14T12:21:59.266+08:00 Life Of Neets [I' M] P E R F E C TJaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.comBlogger125125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-65228430791001841852022-01-26T00:19:00.004+08:002022-01-26T00:19:54.388+08:00S.<p> Someone reminded me of this space therefore I'm back. </p><p>My last post was in March 2021. It's January 25th, 2022. So much has changed since then I wanted to write a long ass caption for my annual new year's IG post but I genuinely don't know what to write there. My biggest takeaway from 2021? S. </p><p>17th August 2021; that was the day we went on our first date. And we spent so much time together ever since. Everything was great, it really was. I even told Nabilah that if everyday was like this, it would be great. I was so happy. I thought I met the one I was going to settle down with. There were no red flags and that's when I started worrying. For the first three weeks, I kept asking him if he was sure and he said yes. We were still happy, playing house and everything. That was where I fucked up I guess? </p><p>Next thing I knew, he changed. It felt like he didn't want me at all. He stopped paying attention to me, he don't really tell me that he love me, he don't touch me anymore. It was clear that something was off. Then it was red flags everywhere. I knew something was wrong. I kept quiet. I told myself, everything will be okay. Deep down I was struggling. I was crying. </p><p>One day I mustered the courage to ask him if he still wanted the relationship. He told me he was scared of history repeating itself. He was scarred. I genuinely do not blame him for it. I knew he needed healing. </p><p>Things progressively got worse. So I made the decision to take a break. </p><p>November 17 2021; we took our 2 weeks break. You assured me that you'd figure things out. I got the most sincere hug from you. You kept telling me everything will be okay. I was in so much pain for that two weeks. I told myself to focus on what's important, which is myself. Even so, I was still so scared of you leaving, I cried myself to sleep every single night. </p><p>Nov 29 2021; I got a text from you all of a sudden. You told me that you wanted to get back together. I was so happy I cried. I thought "we did it".</p><p>Look at us now. I'm still crying myself to sleep every single night. I still feel the pain. </p><p>I don't understand. Was it me? </p><p>Everyone keeps telling me that I deserve better. He's an asshole for treating me like shit. I should not depreciate my own self worth for him. I shouldn't cross the ocean for someone who wouldn't even cross a puddle for me. And I know it. I'm not stupid. I'm really not. I should let him go. I don't know why I have so much feelings for him. I don't understand why after all this time, after all the hurt he has put me through, my heart still wants him. </p><p>My heart tells me to hold on. But for how long? Will it be worth it? Is it really worth hurting myself over and over again for him? Can I really wait for him to heal while I hurt myself so much in the process? Will we even get back together? Logically, I should move on. I should take care of myself. I should love myself more. </p><p>No matter how much it hurts, I will still say... I love you S. More than you'll ever know, more than you ever have. I'm sorry I'm not the one for you but I hope, in our time together, you really did love me and you were happy. I really hope, you'll find happiness one day. Not just for you, but for K too. I hope she grows up happy and healthy. </p><p><br /></p><p>I really wish things would have worked out between us. But I guess, it's over now. </p>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-91882080352311692762021-03-03T03:29:00.001+08:002021-03-03T03:29:25.958+08:00Change is the only constant. <p><span style="font-family: arial;">It's been three years since I came on this space and today I felt the need to come back here. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">So many things have changed over the years and I'm honestly proud to say that I'm not the same person I was three years ago. It has been a rollercoaster but here I am, barely surviving but still going at it. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Three years and I'm still in love with the person I can't have. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Today I opened up a small portion of me to someone. I made myself vulnerable. I don't know if that was the right idea to be honest. Because ever since I opened up, I feel so vulnerable all the time. I haven't stopped crying in the past two hours. Feels a bit pathetic. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">How do you open up to someone who caused most of the trauma? I don't blame her for acting the way she did. It wasn't right and shouldn't be tolerable but she was going through something at that point of time as well. She didn't deserve that either. I don't hate her for it, not anymore at least. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">T</span><span style="font-family: arial;">he best way I can get through this is to actually talk about it. So here goes:</span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I'm insecure, and have always been. Because she always berated me, always commented on my weight, my appearance, my everything. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I never felt good enough. Because she always reminded me of it, How I could have gotten three points more for my PSLE results. How I could have prevented that from happening. How I deserve everything that was happening to me. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I always felt useless, worthless. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I am glad that all these experiences have taught me to be a better person, have better judgement on things, and opened up my perspective on things. But I am still learning to be better everyday. I am still learning how to deal with everything, one step at a time. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I don't feel appreciated by the company even though I give my everything. Maybe I did more than I'm supposed to. I don't know. I don't even know how I'm going to fight for something that I actually deserve. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">Sigh. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I've been thinking about him way too much, more than I'm supposed to. It's unhealthy. I dream about him so often cause I'm always thinking about him before I sleep and then I wake up thinking about him. I see him often and I always think if I should talk to him. It's not right, whatever I'm doing. I don't want to be the third person in someone's relationship. But I genuinely love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I genuinely do, and I've been thinking about it for awhile. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">But I doubt he feels the same. I doubt he wants the same. Honestly, it breaks my heart. But what can I possible do? Nothing. I can just watch from afar. I can just be happy for him. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: arial;">I should be sleeping, but I have so much on my mind right now. It has been like this for days. I don't know how to deal with it. I really don't know what to do next. </span></p>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-41032519127562263372018-06-25T02:30:00.000+08:002018-06-25T02:30:17.907+08:00As much as I love the company of people, I downright hate them. <div>
Hate is a really strong word, but I wouldn't change my choice of word. </div>
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People constantly worry about who they can trust, if their circle of friends are the right one.</div>
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When are <strike>friends </strike>people going to leave you? Will they be there if you need them?</div>
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I understand that sometimes, there are people you got to burn the bridges with. </div>
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Why go through all that hassle?</div>
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I keep telling myself that I am going to learn to love myself. I do the small things to pamper myself. But I forgot one important thing, self love also means I got to hurt myself first by cutting ties with people and things cause they are hurting me as well. For anyone else out there reading this, if I stopped talking to you, you're not alone. I did that to everyone. Self love also means that, I have to stop finding for temporary escapes because I'm relying on someone. Self love also means self sufficient, where I stop picking the small details of myself as flaws and accept them as uniqueness. Self love also means that, I got to stop wanting to hurt myself.</div>
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It pains me so much right now. Knowing that I constantly still have to cut ties with people that I once had so much past with. All I can do is just look at memories of them. But at the end of the day, they don't deserve the best parts of me. </div>
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I stopped using IG story, focused more on the physically connection. But at the same time, I choose who I hang out and talk with. If I don't talk to you, I probably feel uncomfortable or you probably did something to hurt me. </div>
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Guess what? I stopped caring. I stopped caring about how other people feel and what they say about me. Why does it matter? Everyone is just going to have the same damn impression they had before. They are going to remember your past. People move on but they don't forget. </div>
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I'm going to start a new chapter soon. There are plenty of challenges and I don't even know if I will be able to handle them. I'm terrified. I've always been terrified of change. But I got to stop feeling that way. This will hopefully be a good change. I'm afraid but I'm ready.</div>
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In less than 2 weeks, I'll be turning 20. I honestly don't know how to feel. </div>
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This year, I'm going to make a promise, not a wish. A promise that I'll always put myself first, I'll love myself first, I'll be my own happiness. </div>
Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-15142968324355085702018-06-06T00:29:00.002+08:002018-06-06T00:29:52.111+08:00Been wanting to blog for awhile, but never really got the energy to do so. Sometimes I get afraid to write my thoughts, just because I'm afraid that my feelings will become so overwhelming that I fall back into the depressive state. Honestly, that's sad. Cause this space was supposed to be a place where I can be honest with myself and to whoever who is reading this. I keep my blog so lowkey just so I can talk things out here. Ohwell, life sucks.<br />
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There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but I guess, I just want everything to pass first before I really talk it out. Gonna do something a little different today, and probably in the next few posts. Just answering questions, at least, it gives me time to ponder about things, take my mind away for a lil, be it good or bad.<br />
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Well, here we go. 70 <strike>brutally honest/</strike>horrible questions.<br />
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<strong>01:</strong> <b>Do you have a good relationship with your parents? </b><i>Honestly, no I don't . I wish it was better sometimes, but somehow I prefer it to be like this. </i></div>
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<b>02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? </b><i>I say it pretty often, but if you're talking about the times when I meant it, it was pretty recent but he thought I didn't mean it. </i></div>
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<b>03: Do you regret anything? </b><i>I try to live life with no regrets, but I have come to a conclusion that the one thing I truly regret was not saving money for rainy days.</i></div>
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<b>04: Are you insecure? </b><i>Yes, very. I think of my outlook presentation all the time. "You look okay" is not good enough for me. </i></div>
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<b>05: What is your relationship status? </b><i>I'm single right now, and I prefer it to stay this way for the time being.</i></div>
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<b>06: How do you want to die? </b><i>2 ways; I either die peacefully in my sleep, or commit suicide with a shotgun (which basically will never happen so chill)</i></div>
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<b>07: What did you last eat? </b><i>Nasi Lemak from work!</i></div>
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<b>08: Played any sports? </b><i>I do play a lot of sports. Soccer, basketball, floorball, handball, volleyball, badminton. The list goes on.</i></div>
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<b>09: Do you bite your nails? </b><i>I actually really hate it. One of my pet peeves. </i></div>
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<b>10: When was your last physical fight? </b><i>19th August 2016</i></div>
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<b>11: Do you like someone? </b><i>Yes I do, but it won't happen, for now at least. </i></div>
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<b>12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? </b><i>Yes, countless times. Those insomnia days.</i></div>
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<b>13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? </b><i>Hate is such a strong word. But no, if I dislike someone, I distance myself away. </i></div>
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<b>14: Do you miss someone? </b><i>Yes, I do. Quite a number of people that I miss actually. </i></div>
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<b>15: Have any pets? </b><i>I don't but I would like a furry friend or a monkey. </i></div>
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<b>16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? </b><i>Lost, upset, tired. </i></div>
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<b>17: Ever made out in the bathroom? </b><i>Yes</i></div>
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<b>18: Are you scared of spiders? </b><i>Not particularly, I mean if it appears out of nowhere, yes I would be but I'm not afraid of them.</i></div>
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<b>19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? </b><i>Yes, I'd learn to save money. </i></div>
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<b>20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? </b><i>His house. </i></div>
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<b>21: What are your plans for this weekend? </b><i>Well, gonna rest up on Saturday and work on Sunday. </i></div>
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<b>22: Do you want to have kids? How many? </b><i>Still on the fence about having kids. But if my husband really wants them, I'll have 2; an older son and younger daughter. </i></div>
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<b>23: Do you have piercings? How many? </b><i>Yes I do, 11 altogether. </i></div>
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<b>24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? </b><i>English and F&N</i></div>
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<b>25: Do you miss anyone from your past? </b><i>Yes, definitely. </i></div>
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<b>26: What are you craving right now? </b><i>Koi's Ovaltine Macchiato</i></div>
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<b>27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? </b><i>Not proud of it but yes. </i></div>
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<b>28: Have you ever been cheated on? </b><i>Yes, twice. </i></div>
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<b>29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? </b><i>I did. </i></div>
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<b>30: What’s irritating you right now? </b><i>PMS and a handful of people. And this weird lost feeling that I have constantly been feeling. </i></div>
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<b>31: Does somebody love you? </b><i>I genuinely hope so. </i></div>
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<b>32: What is your favourite color? </b><i>Generally, I like pink, black, white, grey. teal and gold. </i></div>
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<b>33: Do you have trust issues? </b><i>The issue is I trust people way too much. But I'm starting to close up. </i></div>
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<b>34: Who/what was your last dream about? </b><i>Apparently I had a weird dream that made me accidentally punch someone in my sleep. I can't even remember the contents of the dream. </i></div>
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<b>35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? </b><i>Sathes. </i></div>
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<b>36: Do you give out second chances too easily? </b><i>Yes, very. Too easily. </i></div>
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<b>37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? </b><i>I forgive more than I forget. </i></div>
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<b>38: Is this year the best year of your life? </b><i>Nope. Not at all.</i></div>
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<b>39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? </b><i>12</i></div>
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<b style="color: #494949; font-family: verdana; font-size: 10px;">40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? </b><i><span style="color: #494949; font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 10px;">I don't want to get arrested for public nudity/sexual harassment. </span></span></i></div>
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<b>51: Favourite food? </b><i>I love Laksa, Chicken Rice and Briyani. </i></div>
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<b>52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? </b><i>Yes, of course it does. </i></div>
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<b style="color: #494949; font-family: verdana; font-size: 10px;">53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? </b><i><span style="color: #494949; font-family: verdana;"><span style="font-size: 10px;">Watched an episode of Assassination Classroom on Netflix. </span></span></i></div>
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<b>54: Is cheating ever okay? </b><i>No.</i></div>
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<b>55: Are you mean? </b><i>I can be if I want to. </i></div>
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<b>56: How many people have you fist fought? </b><i>1</i></div>
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<b>57: Do you believe in true love? </b><i>Love barely exists anymore, lust is more prominent nowadays. </i></div>
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<b>58: Favourite weather? </b><i>As long as it's cold/chilly. </i></div>
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<b>59: Do you like the snow? </b><i>I haven't experienced real snow yet. </i></div>
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<b>60: Do you wanna get married? </b><i>Hopefully I do. </i></div>
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<b>61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? </b><i>Yes, I love it when it's not said in a insulting/demeaning manner. </i></div>
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<b>62: What makes you happy? </b><i>A lot of things, but people still tend to piss me off.</i></div>
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<b>63: Would you change your name? </b><i>Nope. I used to hate it but I love how unique it is now. </i></div>
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<b>64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? </b><i>I hope not, we barely talk anymore. </i></div>
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<b>65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? </b><i>If I have reciprocating feelings, I'd give it a shot, otherwise, turn him down. </i></div>
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<b>66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? </b><i>Yes, thankfully there's quite a number of them. </i></div>
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<b>67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? </b><i>Last was Justin/my brother. </i></div>
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<b>68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? </b><i>Him. </i></div>
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<b>69: Do you believe in soulmates? </b><i>Yes I do. In fact, I believe everyone has more than one soulmate. </i></div>
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<b>70: Is there anyone you would die for? </b><i>People are not that worthy to die for now. My life has more value, if I stayed alive and die for myself because I actually appreciate the worth of my life. </i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #494949; font-family: "verdana";"><span style="font-size: 10px;">http://fillyouraskbox.tumblr.com/post/126261698244/70-horrible-questions-fuck-it</span></span></div>
Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-73200954180368342302018-01-10T05:52:00.001+08:002018-01-10T05:52:29.349+08:00I threw everything I worked so hard for away, within one night. With the power of one thought. Just that one thought in my mind. And no one could understand why I did what I did. No one could understand what happen. And truth be told, I don't either.<br />
<br />
I just snapped. All of a sudden. Everything came back to me, every emotion I felt, all the pain, the troubles, the nightmares that I had. Thoughts that I had at 11 years old, things that happen at 12, every pain and emotion was so real that night. I was trying to understand what was happening, I ended up crying when I got home from Shawn's place.<br />
<br />
I cried till my eyes were too puffy to even open.<br />
<br />
"Stop the pain, once and for all"<br />
<br />
That was the only sentence going through my mind throughout the 4 days. I couldn't tell people what is going on. I didn't know what was going on; or why I was feeling that particular way. But I really wanted it to stop. My mind was so desperate to harm myself. My body was so desperate to shut down. My heart was empty. It felt like I was dead. I thought of the people I love, how I was going to leave them behind. I thought of how my funeral was going to be like, what people was going to say about me, the amount of people who are going to despise me for being a coward and taking the short cut.<br />
<br />
I tried thinking happy thoughts. I couldn't. I thought about the sexual abuse, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse. I stared at the scars on my wrist. The flashbacks of the blood coming out of my skin, felt so real. It was just replaying in my head, and I could literally feel the endorphin rushing through my body at that thought.<br />
<br />
Up till today, I have no idea why I cracked.<br />
<br />
I lost my job, didn't get my pay, threw away a promotion I might have gotten next month. I threw everything away because I was more concerned about my mental health rather than serving ignorant tourists. I did what was right, but I still lost everything I worked for. That's the sad truth of reality. Your welfare don't actually matter.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know if it's my fault for not talking about it. I mean, there's nothing to talk about. How do I start a conversation about it when I don't feel that way at the moment? It just happens. I don't know what triggered it, but it just happened. It would be really awkward if I went up to someone and tell them I constantly have suicidal thoughts. "Don't think about it" "You'll get over it" "Stay strong" I've heard enough.<br />
<br />
I've been hearing those for a good 7 years now. It's still the same.<br />
<br />
I guess it just sucks to be me? Karma? Punishment from being so sinful? I don't know.<br />
It is what it is now. I just have to suck it up, deal with it and move on.<br />
<br />
At least I got a new job. Hopefully, I don't fuck it up.<br />
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<br />Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-82366185224842838302017-10-21T23:43:00.000+08:002017-10-21T23:43:21.443+08:00It seems that everyone has forgotten that this space existed. And I'm happy it's like that now. So many things happened since my previous post (obvi). Finally went on the much awaited trip to Bangkok. I had so much fun even though it was such a short trip and I wish I could have accomplished more things. Things did however take a turn when I came back.<br />
<br />
I disconnected a certain friendship. I had an asthma attack. I decided to resign. Somehow I just fell apart.<br />
<br />
So I kinda stopped talking to a certain someone right after the Bangkok trip. I felt like there's no use trying to save the relationship since it was always showing cracks. But eventually I made up with that person, talked things through like an adult. We don't talk as often but I'm happy that we're still friends. Maybe one day we'll return to being that close but for now, I like it this way I guess. We still talk on the phone once in awhile. So all is good on that note.<br />
<br />
I'm still suffering from my asthma even though I literally just recovered last week, which is fucking irritating cause it's affecting everything.<br />
<br />
Anyways to the more important stuff, I actually tendered my resignation not too long ago. After much consideration, I felt like maybe it was better to try another line or just get out of my workplace because it was somewhat stressful. But it was towards the one week after I came back from my MC I felt like I want to stay longer in the company. I felt like I belong there but I also felt like I needed to get a promotion. I did talk to my managers about it and they are extremely happy to help me get a promotion. Eventually, I withdrew my resignation. So I'm just looking forward to Feb to know if I'm getting the promotion. If I don't I'm just gonna go to school.<br />
<br />
I have such big plans for my future but I really have to think everything through. It's gonna take 5 years to accomplish but hopefully, everything works out fine.Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-12844758323519254942017-07-24T04:04:00.001+08:002017-07-24T04:04:37.056+08:00It's funny how unexpected life can be. One moment you're in the hospital for a STI and the next moment you meet someone you wanna spend the rest of your life with.<br />
<br />
It's been so long since I came to this space, one of the main reasons being I've been really busy with everything else. Another being the idea of opening up to this space because there are so many things I wanna talk about but I don't know how to put it into words.<br />
<br />
It's 3.37am right now and I should be sleeping cause I have to be up in 2hr 30mins time.<br />
<br />
Let's just start from where I left off shall we. Hospital.<br />
<br />
I was hospitalized for a week; in so much pain that for a moment I thought I was finally dying. When I heard my diagnosis after 3 days of being in the hospital without a clue bout what has happened to me, I broke down. I felt like it was the final warning to me before the real thing comes. I knew that things would change drastically. And it did. I was so afraid of going back to my old ways. But everything fell into place, I guess. It was nice to finally see who are my true friends. I felt like a newborn (somehow?) opening my eyes up to the cruel cruel world once again. I felt like burning so many bridges with people whom I am close to. I saw how some people are just, unworthy of my time. The most unexpected people came to visit, even one whom I met for the first time and I only know him for like less than a week.<br />
<br />
I knew that there were a lot of things I had to change. Getting a proper job, burning bridges, basically getting my shit together and sober up to reality and just face life as it is. Some things I've achieved, like finally getting a full time job (that I absolutely hate), stabilizing my finances and less drinking. I mean I still drink but not as often as I did. Some things I still don't know how to do. There's so much I wanna talk about this particular topic but I feel like I need to really think things through and like, really confirm my decision.<br />
<br />
3 days after being discharged from the hospital, I met the most wonderful man. Unexpected af. I was honestly expecting another fuckboy. But I just felt something so strong. He was so... different. I knew I fell instantly. I don't know how to describe the feelings I felt. I was even like 100% sure that he was the one, but now I just really want to settle down and spend the rest of my life with him. I don't even talk to other boys anymore, I don't go on Tinder anymore. Everything is just about him. And I kinda like it. He changed me as a person. I like how our personality compliments each other and we would always be each other's pillar of support. What a beautiful soul, it's rare that someone like him even exist anymore. I don't know what I've done to deserve him but I'm so thankful that I have him. I appreciate every single thing he has done for me. I am grateful beyond words can express. I'm honestly looking forward to my future with him.<br />
<br />
I do get insecure over it sometimes. But at the end of the day, he reminds me that he loves me and it all feels better.<br />
<br />
But today, things are a little different. I don't know why but I'm just so stressed out. Over what, I have no idea tbh. I just feel a sense of frustration and like sadness. And that's the reason why I'm not asleep. Maybe it's work, who knows.<br />
<br />
Work has been physically demanding. Sometimes I just really hate how it is at work cause of the way people act (?). Like, I'm trying my best to do my best. I put in my 100% at work every single fucking day but people don't see it. I try to do everything right. I'm trying to be the responsible one but people don't get it that I'm still learning and trying. The sad truth of the adult working world is that people are just harsh and they don't give a fuck about your problems. If you do something wrong, you get scolded. You do something good, no one realizes and you just have to suck it up and go on. I've been working so hard and I'm not even receiving any commission cause of my probation which sucks balls.<br />
<br />
I'm so afraid of making mistakes now even though it shouldn't be that way. People are so afraid of making mistakes now cause of the treatment they get when they make one.<br />
<br />
Sigh, I just really wanna get rid of this feeling asap. I'm gonna try and get some rest right now. And hopefully, I'll be back on this space soon.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-43547986556906411972017-04-27T08:41:00.001+08:002017-04-27T08:41:52.060+08:00After watching 13 reasons why, the matter of suicide has constantly been on my mind. There were a lot of flaws in the show, but also many parts I could relate to or agree to. The feeling of no one caring, the feeling when no one seems to listen, or only listening to reply, listening only after you die. That made me want to kill myself.<br />
<br />
Suicide letters; I've written tons of them. I pour my heart out and bawl like a newborn. It's painful; painful to write about all the good times and how it'll never happen again, and how I'm sorry that I resorted the losers way. I usually pause halfway through writing them and think of how people would react to it. Thinking of how people would be hurting if I actually killed myself, I question my ability to commit the sin. I mean people constantly put me through pain that I didn't ask for. So why? Why should I bother if they would be in pain. Maybe, and just maybe, it'll be worth it to end everything once and for all. I don't have to go through another day, wondering if I'll eventually get married or if someone would eventually love and accept me for who I am.<br />
<br />
That day, I was in so much pain. Fever, headache and cramps that kept me up all night. I couldn't take the pain and eventually I started crying. I felt the pain so badly that I started thinking of all the emotional and mental pain. I was so suicidal, but this was the thing, I didn't know who to call. I couldn't call anyone to help me distract the pain. I just kept crying for a good two hours. Then I felt the emptiness once again.<br />
<br />
Yes, it's my fault for filling my life with all these temporary people, I know. I only have myself to blame. But how bad is it, that I couldn't even turn to my own best friend? Or speak to my own mother about how I'm feeling? I just kept scrolling and scrolling through my contacts. Not a single person I could think of to text. I eventually texted Darryl, in which the reply I got was "tsk don't luh" which instantly broke my heart to be honest. It's not about "don't" or not anymore. It's not that anymore. I'll probably be suicidal still in the future, but what if one day, the text don't come in, but the call from the hospital does?<br />
<br />
I admit, I'm weak. I try to be strong. I appear strong, even tho I'm tired, I still do. If I appear weak again, I won't look like myself anymore. I won't be that girl you see in the photos anymore. I won't be smiling anymore. The scars on my hand, they'll increase.<br />
<br />
I have no one to talk to about my suicide. Cause they've heard a lot about it already. I talk about it so much, people think I'm joking. Or at least, thinks that I'm the joke. I can't decipher why suicide seems to be the only reason for me. I can't comprehend how people can fight through their problems. I don't see a solution to my problems. I'm tired of finding one too. I'm tired of everything.<br />
<br />
I'm considering cutting any close friends I have. I want to learn to live with myself. Live with my anxiety. Live with my depression. To be honest, I feel like staying at home for a month. No clubbing, no going out. Just staying home.<br />
<br />
My cries for help will never be heard, one day, I'll stop crying. And when that day comes, it's the end.Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-38496701774853650872017-03-10T05:43:00.000+08:002017-03-10T05:43:22.263+08:00<span style="font-family: inherit;">Haven't blogged in awhile even tho so many things have been going on. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">All the suicidal attempts and depressing thoughts. Things can change in a matter of seconds. The amount of time I felt like giving up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I constantly feel empty. I feel bad for things things I've done; hurting people and knowing that they are still hurting. I don't want to commit to anything right now, but I like the attention people shower me with. I like feeling loved, being treated like a princess, even when I know I shouldn't be doing that. I have the slightest feelings for that someone, but I don't think it'll ever work out. I'm not the person people thinks I am. I'm really fucked up. I can't even describe it because I know people will start walking out. I'm used to it, but not the pain. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I try not to, but I still do. I resort to hooking up and chatting with random guys to make myself feel wanted. I'm disgusted by my own actions. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But what else am I supposed to do? I like being single, but I'm scared of feeling lonely. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm not who I am 3 months ago. I told myself that this blog would be the place I pour out my genuine emotions, but I keep holding back cause I know who is reading. And that honestly suck balls. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm the kind of person who is very willing to film a porno right now. That's the only way I can explain it right now. Yes, I'm afraid of people changing their perspective of me, words hurt me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm at a point where I'm very lost and in a huge dilemma to what I'm supposed to do next. I'm afraid of everything right now, I cannot risk being hurt or failing again. I'm afraid to fall. What am I supposed to do right now? Everyday I wake up and I ask myself what am I going to achieve today and honestly, I don't want to do anything. I just feel like crying every single day, knowing that someone's gonna get hurt by me or someone's gonna stop talking to me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">People keep telling me to stay strong, telling me that I can survive, I can't. I really can't. Be in my shoes for a day, 10 mins in, you would want to give up. I tell myself that I need to change, but then again, for what? How? What do I change? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I get myself so fucked up whenever I drink, I don't remember flagging a cab last night but somehow, I did. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sigh, I'm thinking bout a lot of things, but I honestly don't know what to write right now. Everything is just so messy. I just want to escape right now. Sigh, Fuck this shit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just really need a break from reality. </span>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-67237741749634671122017-01-13T00:18:00.001+08:002017-01-13T00:19:55.921+08:002016In a blink of an eye, 2016 has ended just like that. It seems like I didn't achieve much. But while I was preparing for this post, I realized I've done so many things, both good and bad. Like always, I learnt a lot in a year. 2016 has been both good and bad, a lot of tough time but also wonderful moments which I constantly wish I can relive. I can't believe I did it, I survived.<br />
<br />
To many more wonderful years.<br />
<br />
I remember how I started the year with a high fever, asthma attack and my period. I quarreled with mama too and it was just a really bad start.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7r-8kGLTYP8UNF74HLTsSKq6BoAtYEyf8kpCJZegCO8mMCH_-ZR0m5A8YDAcK3dxmDH0CMEzPp40AhxAk_q0Do1nrb5XyR05bUjAH0A9wvmnXkxrzbcyNW64ckBpyUNz4dYAPYUtotZc/s1600/download+%252824%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7r-8kGLTYP8UNF74HLTsSKq6BoAtYEyf8kpCJZegCO8mMCH_-ZR0m5A8YDAcK3dxmDH0CMEzPp40AhxAk_q0Do1nrb5XyR05bUjAH0A9wvmnXkxrzbcyNW64ckBpyUNz4dYAPYUtotZc/s320/download+%252824%2529.png" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was me on NYE, lol. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
On Jan 11 (funny how I still remember the date), I went to Siloso beach with kambing and Sophia.<br />
<br />
And of course, Chinese New Year and Kitty's birthday.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiapZ80dflLtSiJxbfc36jJc064EM4gAyHGYCbuv2Q2Yz3lqL85xmPIcT7Kmgf5Ud0qyFWF4-82FpinS-fnSLjTZ6M8TmTamVnR-Iw_92HDKrt05TYbaY1kmxeCO1hUSy5zfJpkbSR2Sbo/s1600/download+%25283%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiapZ80dflLtSiJxbfc36jJc064EM4gAyHGYCbuv2Q2Yz3lqL85xmPIcT7Kmgf5Ud0qyFWF4-82FpinS-fnSLjTZ6M8TmTamVnR-Iw_92HDKrt05TYbaY1kmxeCO1hUSy5zfJpkbSR2Sbo/s320/download+%25283%2529.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Year of the Monkey</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTlpoIiZji0y-fAMqLKU3mZQr7safscNFkH8yIUzIuE2RXI-DOLVQYSzvFxPsI1rzUDk91j_IpQ92K0mY_OOMMNAWU2X-uORHZVLVDBaCpnDJ_tE-VMfvUpoEpzJT5BVT62GcTWz5svhc/s1600/download+%25284%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTlpoIiZji0y-fAMqLKU3mZQr7safscNFkH8yIUzIuE2RXI-DOLVQYSzvFxPsI1rzUDk91j_IpQ92K0mY_OOMMNAWU2X-uORHZVLVDBaCpnDJ_tE-VMfvUpoEpzJT5BVT62GcTWz5svhc/s320/download+%25284%2529.png" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">CNY</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqHTWInZTbrexs7GxRZZRBHdrK7bW6KHnaMN5wIKQ7u-KPyJzhakEpWMJqj96LVBbwftma5NdfsoE-JflAVBspHds_6o95ekjtg5OVpkREd7MnSoiq6ynmQWqccMNHawE5cEvn3FlwWtw/s1600/download+%25285%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqHTWInZTbrexs7GxRZZRBHdrK7bW6KHnaMN5wIKQ7u-KPyJzhakEpWMJqj96LVBbwftma5NdfsoE-JflAVBspHds_6o95ekjtg5OVpkREd7MnSoiq6ynmQWqccMNHawE5cEvn3FlwWtw/s320/download+%25285%2529.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kitty's birthday celebration</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
I remember trying to find a job asap cause I was going to Bali in March. Got a new job on Jan 15 at Cineleisure as a part time retail assistant. Constantly dressing up all day cause I was working in town. It was obviously an achievement. Working in a place I grew up having a fear for cause it was always so crowded with people. Dealt pretty well with my anxiety. And of course that was when I met someone who cheated on me. Was a sad story but thank god I managed to get over that phase.<br />
<br />
That was also the same time I got a lot more new piercing cause I had friends working at the shop that pierces ears hahah!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_kGfD4_cPNuKeQECCmutgRanZiqhnS-Hk5ktqNhqbHMy0z6KPGSluPscsOZxPxDyUxwmwPZEghbnioZ0l-9WIEqiz7Kw44xsDeRFWEHh-d5FHkpmkFIEEWSqxG_BscYnmbrdYc-RIQU4/s1600/1802.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_kGfD4_cPNuKeQECCmutgRanZiqhnS-Hk5ktqNhqbHMy0z6KPGSluPscsOZxPxDyUxwmwPZEghbnioZ0l-9WIEqiz7Kw44xsDeRFWEHh-d5FHkpmkFIEEWSqxG_BscYnmbrdYc-RIQU4/s320/1802.png" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the first few piercings lol. Another helix</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTp7wTTq21NbszHL6-er4mK6hHPST79gmtEJJHqnNbteVQe39gLK9PtwCdgDhOFDr_iaBRwe8oGFgPJRBFYFK-eJu2CBipLL2tYQTfWZhssRW_q0O6A5pXYbS-4MCbZY8eIoc5lL2D6bg/s1600/download+%25281%2529g.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTp7wTTq21NbszHL6-er4mK6hHPST79gmtEJJHqnNbteVQe39gLK9PtwCdgDhOFDr_iaBRwe8oGFgPJRBFYFK-eJu2CBipLL2tYQTfWZhssRW_q0O6A5pXYbS-4MCbZY8eIoc5lL2D6bg/s320/download+%25281%2529g.png" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Random photo of me at work. (My hair and eyebrows were so point wtf)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrz_LEWRuwKzQ04vKeBO17cQSHl6Ula4xdFBpxHEFBt7rZFs3FHBHXZ1pYHZ1yIluQbLxffoPzrysdKG-3X4iXdm9W2aAFvP03-U_JZrrrHN488EmupLjInTIGmOEWoOg9tUR8ucI_kJc/s1600/download+%25286%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrz_LEWRuwKzQ04vKeBO17cQSHl6Ula4xdFBpxHEFBt7rZFs3FHBHXZ1pYHZ1yIluQbLxffoPzrysdKG-3X4iXdm9W2aAFvP03-U_JZrrrHN488EmupLjInTIGmOEWoOg9tUR8ucI_kJc/s320/download+%25286%2529.png" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Staycation with the cheater</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Was so in love with this dress</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfeXUjpduAiHhAqlYI2LQ0cIXAdCfr_9GBPv4NlvURBl3_wcw9rqMrZZ7mw2ZCsgL4iMTaAbGXdpS3YaAqCdS5xIQtQyaWCQ-fVsNhE62faIz3oe5IpR-UfvYDPVxZ46GmlzoJjH2mceE/s1600/download+%25288%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfeXUjpduAiHhAqlYI2LQ0cIXAdCfr_9GBPv4NlvURBl3_wcw9rqMrZZ7mw2ZCsgL4iMTaAbGXdpS3YaAqCdS5xIQtQyaWCQ-fVsNhE62faIz3oe5IpR-UfvYDPVxZ46GmlzoJjH2mceE/s320/download+%25288%2529.png" width="256" /></a><br />
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Moving on to March, I went to Bali which was the highlight of the month! Also, my first tattoo!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKM0FvnSGYyBF0-TsfikVbzDPRrLtHLkWJSkJiANGEnPTROj9kmz1Kbkwl-i77BLDe8177PqU9HFuApQNWganLGeOe_rJzZYiovkja6lJM-mGcPC7pHSU98DdR8zRTsr1TIuZl__ehZTQ/s1600/download+%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKM0FvnSGYyBF0-TsfikVbzDPRrLtHLkWJSkJiANGEnPTROj9kmz1Kbkwl-i77BLDe8177PqU9HFuApQNWganLGeOe_rJzZYiovkja6lJM-mGcPC7pHSU98DdR8zRTsr1TIuZl__ehZTQ/s320/download+%25281%2529.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sadly my perfume spilled and it smudged my air ticket :(</td></tr>
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And April was, sadly, the start of my drinking problem.<br />
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Then in May, I downloaded Tinder and I was instantly hooked omg. Also the same time I met Malcolm. And I signed my first full time job on the last day.<br />
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June was pretty okay. First full time job and first full time pay, omg. Best part was I got my first pay a few days before my birthday.<br />
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Then comes July... I turned legal and met one of the greatest bunch of people, also the month I met the one guy I wanted to marry.<br />
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Then August! Went fishing for the first time, my prawning obsession started and Darryl's birthday!<br />
Went Genting with Xav as well and then 2 weeks later I had my tonsils removed. Did I mentioned that I got into a fist fight too! HAHA<br />
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September was fun cause I went for like my first company chalet, art musuem with Darryl and met a really good photographer that took a lot of nice pictures for me hahaha! Erhemm, first experience in hotel too ;) Not forgetting working Halloween shifts for both Sept and Oct in USS!<br />
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October! KL trip, HHN with Darryl and more Halloween shifts!<br />
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In a blink of an eye, it was November. Malacca trip and also when I met Johnathan. Not forgetting my first time in Canvas and my major shopping trip! And also my last time in Zouk.<br />
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Last but not least, Dec! The month of joy. Got my belly button pierced, Christmas celebration and meeting my new date for 2k17!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NYE!!!</td></tr>
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I'm very thankful for everything that has happened, thankful for the people I meet. Yeah I did a lot of mistakes, but I don't think I ever regretted any of those decisions I made. Many people came into my life, many left too. I'm thankful and truly blessed for what I have today. Honestly, super proud of myself for making through 2k16. Pretty excited to see what 2k17 has in store for me. My Europe trip, Bangkok and of course going back to school in August! And of course... Spending 2k17 with my bajiaoyu.Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-65303202179162238502016-11-23T00:27:00.001+08:002016-11-23T00:49:48.085+08:00DistractionPeople have always labelled me as an alcoholic. I don't know if that's a good thing or not cause technically if I'm able to afford alcohol everyday, I must be pretty stable financially (or I just have really good friends who are willing to pay for me). But anyways, main point is, I have my reasons for drinking so often. <br />
<br />
I'm not trying to justify my actions neither am I saying what I'm doing is right. I don't think there's a need to please anyone anyway. <br />
<br />
But here it is. <br />
<br />
Whenever I drink, whenever I'm high, I feel happy, I feel more comfortable in my own body, I feel confident, inside and out. But isn't it pathetic how I need to rely on something to feel that way? I wish I didn't have to. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I really get scared when I drink, cause I wonder when will I hit the limit where I just regret everything I do or when will I completely lose faith in everything and just give up on life eventually. <br />
<br />
I'm honestly still lost on what to do with my life. It's been two years already and I'm still as lost as ever. I feel so useless. I have no energy to do anything even though I really want to be successful. Successful being genuinely content with my life and financially stable. <br />
<br />
It feels good to have money in your hand, being able to buy whatever you want, go wherever you want, do whatever that may please yourself. Not worrying about whether I have enough lunch money for the rest of the month. They say money isn't everything. Wake the fuck up people. It's 2016, if you have no money, you're as good as nothing. You can do nothing and you're practically worth nothing. Everyone is so stressed about money, constantly worrying about paying the bills and shit. <br />
<br />
I really do want to be successful, but in what? I honestly have no clue what I'm good at or what I want to do. I feel like I don't have the resources/requirements I actually need to experiment something new. It's always a risk taker. <br />
<br />
For someone who have anxiety that is constantly deteriorating everyday, it's really hard to accept new environments and changes. I can't possibly keep changing and trying to adapt to new environments, I won't be able to take it. <br />
<br />
Plus the fact that I found out that I have ADHD, I feel smaller than before. <br />
<br />
I just want a cure to all these illness because it's terrible living like this. I can burst out in tears for the lamest reason and it just constantly affects my confidence and self- esteem. <br />
<br />
I'm so tired of people commenting that I'm cheap just cause I do sleep around even though I don't do that anymore. <br />
<br />
I'm breaking down all over again. I don't know what's happening to me. <br />
<br />
I'm tired of allowing someone into my life and showing them all my weaknesses and flaws only to watch them walk away laughing at my pathetic self. <br />
<br />
I just want to be loved, or at least feel loved back by the person I love. I want to be appreciated. I want to be happy. <br />
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That's why I'm always turning to alcohol. At least I feel happier. It feels like it takes away all my trouble. <br />
<br />
:(<br />
<br />
I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I feel useless, I'm not wanted, I hate myself. <br />
<br />
Someone send help. I'm scared, again. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-81771608552527421402016-10-03T03:31:00.001+08:002016-10-03T03:42:20.094+08:00Been thinking about you every night. You're so different from the rest. You make me so happy all the time. I miss hearing your voice, I miss your laughter, I miss waking up next to you, I miss the taste of your lips, I miss your hugs. How you would just pull me closer. Suddenly hugging me really tighlty. Everything. <div><br></div><div>You are my everything. </div><div><br></div><div>I hate this feeling right now. The feeling where I'm not able to do anything knowing that you already made your decision to move on. </div><div><br></div><div>I wonder from time to time if you still miss me, if you still read our convo, if you still look at our pictures. </div><div><br></div><div>I feel like I didn't do enough to make you stay. I think about that day that you left me all the time. I get reminded of the pain of you leaving. And it still fucking hurts till this day. It's gonna be a month without you. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I guess you're not just a habit huh? </div><div><br></div><div>The past two weeks have been horrible. Have been missing you more and more. Thought of asking you to not talk to me anymore, but it hurts so much. I just wanna see you again, I just want you to stay. I want to undo everything I did. I want to let go of everything we had. I want this pain to go away forever. The kind of pain even painkillers can't take away. This hurts more than anything right now. </div><div><br></div><div>People keep telling me I'm much better than that, how I deserve better. They just had so much to say, but they just don't understand why I love you so much. Honestly, I don't even know why I like you so much. You're just that special. I'm nothing compared to you. I wanted to be that girl who would fix your broken heart, I broke both mine and yours in the process. How pathetic. </div><div><br></div><div>Up till this day, I believe you're the one. People ask me why I don't want to try for other guys, how do I try to give someone else a chance when I only have you on my mind all the time. You're all I can think about everyday. You're my downfall, you're my muse. </div><div><br></div><div>This pain, it's taking over me. I'm really going crazy. The pain is starting to become physical. I've been losing sleep even when I know I need it so badly. I've been smoking so much more even when I want to cut down. I've been wanting to slash my wrist, even when I know it's not what my mom wants. </div><div><br></div><div>I hate how much I love you.</div><div><br></div><div>"I hate that I want you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you" </div><div><br></div><div>I have so much urge to just cut myself, bang my head against the wall, lie down in the middle of the road, OD on cough syrup or maybe drink till I KO. Anything that'll make me forget about you or just cause physical pain to myself. At least I can deal with physical pain and it'll just distract myself from you. </div><div><br></div><div>Tell me how do I move on. Tell me what to do when I miss you. Tell me how can I forget about you and everything we've done together. Tell me that you moved on. Tell me you don't want to see me anymore. </div><div><br></div><div>Cause it fucking hurts to just sit here, tired as hell, with my head hurting like a bitch and the ache in my heart, to know that you're happier without me. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm sorry I'm not that special, I tried. </div><div><br></div><div>I never knew you would mean so much to me. I wish you didn't, so it wouldn't hurt so much. So I wouldn't be here, pathetic as hell, just crying and hopelessly wishing that one day you'll come back to me. </div><div><br></div><div>Take a knife and stab me. I don't know. I just want this pain to go away forever. I don't want to have feelings anymore. I wish I would cease to exist at this very moment. </div><div><br></div><div>I don't know anymore. I'm so lost. I can't take any of this shit anymore. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-52316438473390934582016-09-29T06:25:00.001+08:002016-09-29T06:25:32.516+08:00X6am; I can't sleep. Pondering about so many things, asking myself thousands of question. I end up getting more questions than answers every time. <div><br></div><div>Is whatever I'm facing now my karma for the shit I've done to people, or does god just hates me that much that he wanna watch me burn in hell. </div><div><br></div><div>I just realized something. Things don't get better, you just learn to handle them. That's how your struggles makes you stronger I guess. </div><div><br></div><div>But I feel so tired of everything already. Nothing interests me. I lost my interests in every thing. But there's still one thing that manages to fascinate me and actually makes me heart race everytime; you. </div><div><br></div><div>I don't know what is it about you honestly. You just seem to capture my attention. I find myself thinking about you all the time. I've never begged anyone to stay. Never. I always let people leave if they wanted to. But I can't seem to be without you. It almost feels like you complete me. </div><div><br></div><div>Remembering those days we spent in Genting while you're sick. It felt like we were married (lol?). I felt obliged to take care of you even though you're old enough to take care of yourself. The joy I experienced when I'm with you, it was different. I don't even know how to describe it. </div><div><br></div><div>I told myself to let go since there's no point in holding onto someone who doesn't want to be in my life. But I can't seem to do so. </div><div><br></div><div>I honestly feel so lost. </div><div><br></div><div>You complete me. </div><div><br></div><div>I felt the need to achieve so much more when I'm with you. </div><div><br></div><div>And now, I just feel pathetic everytime. I feel pathetic for begging you to stay. I feel pathetic that I agreed to be fwb with you just so that I can talk to you and see you again. </div><div><br></div><div>I don't always cry in front of people. But I still can't decipher why I did that day. You broke me so badly, but I hate that I still love you. </div><div><br></div><div>I wish I could turn back time to change everything. I wish I could change your mind. Or maybe, I wish I never had feelings for you. </div><div><br></div><div>I was prepared to get myself hurt just in case all of these happened. But I didn't expect myself to fall this hard, I didn't expect it to hurt this much. </div><div><br></div><div>I never said this about any other guys I've been with, but I believe you're the one. I guess we met at the wrong time. You're the one who I was actually eager to spend my whole life with. Now, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing again. </div><div><br></div><div>After all, we did meet at the time where I completely lost interest in living. I was so broken and already 99% given up on everything to a point where I didn't respect myself anymore, I didn't love myself, I didn't find a need to. You were the one who gave me the second chance in life. You gave me life again. </div><div><br></div><div>The day you surprised me at the hospital. It was merely an hour, but I can't get over how much that meant to me. The fact that you came all the way down, just to make me smile, surprised me with food. I'm so reluctant to eat it even tho I'm really hungry all the time. </div><div><br></div><div>What a coincidence. You just texted me. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div>Oh boy. How nice would it be to have you back in my life, waking up next to you once in awhile. I would do anything, just to get that back. Even if it means I get to do that and die the next day. I would. </div><div><br></div><div>I miss you so much. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm sorry I'm such a mess. </div><div><br></div><div>Thank you for all those memories. </div><div>I really do hope that one day, you'll find that girl who would walk down the golden road with you. </div>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-70112065762602649232016-09-05T23:16:00.000+08:002016-09-05T23:16:19.899+08:00The darkness calls my name once again. I've returned to the place I dread the most; despite it being my comfort zone. The blade calls me. I'm tempted, really. So many things going through my mind. All those negativity. <br />
<br />
I broke down 4 times today. At times I don't even know why am I crying. I just feel so broken, so lost, so fragile, so weak. I question my self worth again. I question my existence. Do I really want to be here? I still don't know. I thought everything was going fine. I guess I was wrong, yet again. <br />
<br />
I'm in so much pain; physically, mentally, emotionally. <br />
<br />
I don't know why do I keep chasing someone who isn't even sure of his own feelings. <br />
I don't know why do I constantly try so hard to make things work. <br />
I don't know why do I like him so much.<br />
<br />
There's something about him, the mysterious vibe he gives off. Intrigues me, attracts me, weakens me. I put my guard down and let someone play with my heart again even though it's so fragile. It's like I have forgotten how much it'd hurt to have it broken again. But at the same time, I know what I'm doing but I let it happen anyway. <br />
<br />
I'm afraid too yknow. <br />
<br />
Breaking down again right now. I really question my worth. Am I not good enough that people don't see a point in fighting for me? Am I that fucked up that people can't accept me and that's why they can't love me? Am I worth loving? Am I worth the risk of a heart break? <br />
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I just really really need someone to reassure me. Tell me and show me that I'm not that bad. Remind me of my worth. <br />
<br />
How pathetic eh? Relying on someone to remind me of my own worth cause I already know I'm not that worthy of anything. <br />
<br />
I don't even what to do next. I'm so afraid to lose you, but you don't even know if you want me in your life. Are you playing with me? <br />
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I don't know. I really don't. I don't want to bring out the blades again. I'm scared of what might happen next. <br />
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I just really don't want more scars on my arms. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-78035798021756349362016-08-30T20:49:00.001+08:002016-08-30T20:49:22.138+08:00what is love?Love; the complicated topic. It's not always complicated, but people tend to complicate it unnecessarily. Everyone wants someone to love them, but never seem to love themselves first. <br />
<br />
Someone asked me today "What is love?" And that got me thinking. Why is it so hard to love someone sometime? Then it came to me. <br />
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Love tends to come in different form and it definition differs from person to person. <br />
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My personal definition of love is acceptance. When you love someone, you already accept them for who they are. Despite their bad habits or whatever flaws they have. Because love overtakes all of that. Easier said than done. Cause I asked myself, how did I manage to love people who has hurt me countlessly. People who have betrayed me, belittled me. Then comes my second answer; forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive. But then again, no one is perfect. Everyone make mistakes. Everyone makes choices to protect their heart sometimes. We all make bad choices, sometimes in fear of hurting ourselves or maybe out of selfishness. <br />
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We often hold grudges but forget about the times people have let go of all the bad things we have done against them. We put our anger and hatred first. And then, we'd get blinded by all these pain and anger. <br />
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And maybe that's why sometimes I can't seem to love myself. I can't accept and/or be able to forgive myself for the things I do. Be it to protect myself or out of selfishness. <br />
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Well, after all, that's just my opinion and it doesn't necessarily have to make sense to anyone else. Like I said, everyone's definition differs and maybe, just maybe, that's why it's so hard to love someone sometimes. <br />
Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-21342797167562360702016-08-29T03:51:00.001+08:002016-08-29T03:51:22.775+08:00New Adventures<br />Everything is so different right now. I still question myself "What the fuck am I doing with my life?" I stopped working, I don't go to school anymore and I've been partying non stop. I even came to a point where I was considering getting a sugar daddy. Yes, no joke. I lost almost everything. But I guess I learned a lot. I have so much in my mind, but none of that seem to matter anymore. <br />
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Tonsillectomy in a few days and I'm starting to get a bit nervous. A bit scared of being in the hospital even if it's just for a night. Especially during this time of the year. After my surgery, have to start working again and once again, I'm scared of new environment. I still don't know where to work either. Don't even know if I should get full time or part time. I think I shall start with part time. Should be sleeping right now cause I have a check up early in the morning. Really wish Xav could accom0pany me. Too bad he has to book in. <br />
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Honestly, I wasn't expecting myself to fall in love again. Especially after the last breakup. Left me in such an emotional wreck. Lost myself in the process of everything he was saying to me. Trying to change to compromise with him. It wasn't his entirely his fault anyway. And actually right now, everything with Xav isn't exactly smooth sailing either. But I guess that will do. At least I know the honeymoon period is over... or maybe it hasn't even started I don't know. <br />
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Went Genting with him last week and honestly, everything was so nice. I don't want to describe it as perfect because that's just unrealistic. Never expected myself to go overseas with a guy just like that. Everything was just so... nice. The weather, the atmosphere, the food and most importantly, the company. At least I can be myself around him even though it's such a short period of time. I don't know if we will last or not, but let's just see where this leads. Really want to take things slow this time. <br />
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Gonna leave some pictures here cause I think I look good. <br />
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I'm looking forward to this new adventure with Xav and of course the new stages of my life. I'm scared and excited all at the same time. Hopefully, everything goes well, and if even if it doesn't, I hope I can pull through. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-85370395236637713682016-07-05T00:35:00.000+08:002016-07-05T00:35:38.012+08:00mistakesWhere did I go wrong?<br />
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Everything I do seems to be wrong, to you at least. All I wanted to do was to make you proud. But it seems like I keep disappointing you again and again. Nothing I do ever seems to make you happy. Up till now, I still don't get why you have such high expectations of me. <br />
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I dropped out from school knowing that it was the right thing to do since I had a plan. You didn't agree with me at first, then I tried explaining myself. You said you will support me. I'm otherwise convinced. I worked my ass off, hoping to lessen some of your burdens, but you seem to demand more. I'm not able to spend on myself. I don't get to enjoy myself. That's not what I want. Yeah we don't always get what we want, but I get to choose. To choose between making myself happy and disappointing you. Either way, someone has to be disappointed. Obviously I'll choose the one that makes me happy. <br />
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I know I haven't seen you in a long time even though we stay under the same roof. I came home and saw you were still awake and I can't even put my excitement in words. I just wanted to talk to you again and tell you how I've been. But you had other things in mind. I got scolded for not always being home. I work 7 hours under the sun, not being home for 6 days just to make sure I can support myself and I got scolded. <br />
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Y'know that feeling where after a long day at work and you just want to come home to your loved ones and just talk about your day and catch up and all. I can't do that. And it breaks my heart. I'm so tired. I could have chose to just go straight into my room and head to bed. <br />
<br />
I always hated the birthday period. Things never go right. I feel so unappreciated in my own home. Why is no one at home ever proud of me? Why is everything I do always wrong in their eyes. This is the week where I get super suicidal and shit over everything. Up till today I still wonder how things will be like if I weren't around. Would my parents still be together? Would my mum be facing all these problems? <br />
<br />
If you really detest me so much, why the fuck did you even give birth to me? I honestly didn't ask to be here today. I didn't ask to face all these shit. I hate my life so so much I really wish I didn't exist. It's the things you people do that makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I do everything in hopes that you'll be proud of me but I'm still waiting for that day. Will that day be the day I'm lying in the casket? Won't that be too late? I just wanna come home feeling like I'm home and not like I'm coming back to hell. <br />
<br />
And you seriously wonder why I don't wanna be home on my birthday? After the past 3 years incident. Do you seriously think I want to be home? It really makes me feel like my birthday is some sort of curse you know. I just want to feel appreciated and loved. All I feel is I shouldn't exist. <br />
<br />
You can tell how tired I was, you could tell I was sick. And you didn't even bother asking how I felt or anything. Am I not important? <br />
<br />
I just wish I didn't exist<br />
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Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-42352641761204073952016-07-03T01:48:00.002+08:002016-07-03T01:48:55.430+08:00love yourself. I like how you tell me to love myself more. <br />
<br />
How you tell me it's so important to love myself first, as if I don't already know. <br />
<br />
<em>"You must first love yourself before you can love someone else" </em><br />
That's what they always say. But I see what a monster I can be. I see all my flaws, weakness and ugliness. How do you see beauty in something that's beyond repair? It's like asking someone to see beauty in poop. What's the beauty of that? It stinks and really gross. It's body waste; something even the human body rejects. <br />
<br />
That's how I feel. I reject myself so much. <br />
<br />
I honestly wish I did things differently. I wish I can say no to people. I wish I can be more selfish to people. I wish I saw good in myself. But I honestly don't. I tend to blame myself for people's mistake, even when I know I don't have to. <br />
<br />
I see so much flaw in myself that I can't see the beauty in myself anymore. <br />
<br />
I'm honestly trying to love myself. I'm still learning to love myself. I stopped drinking so often, cut down on my smoking. I try sleeping earlier as well. Eating often as well. <br />
<br />
But how do I take care of myself emotionally and mentally? All these constant worries aren't helping at all. I'm at a phase where I keep asking myself what am I going to do in the future? I really don't see a future in myself which worries me sometimes. But I'm really not interested in anything at the moment. I just wanna have fun and do whatever I want. This won't last for sure. My happiness matter more than anything else. But people don't think that way. When I say people, I specifically meant my family. If my own family can't accept me. then how do I accept myself? <br />
<br />
Birthday coming soon and honestly, I have mixed feelings. I really don't know if I should be looking forward to it or dreading it. I'm so scared the history might repeat itself. Let's just say that my birthday isn't all joy and laughter, more to crying and suicidal thoughts.<br />
<br />
I'm so lost in life right now. I don't even know what to do anymore except to work. I should be spoiling myself with my first pay. But here I am saving every single cent as much as I can. I foresee myself spending $200 next week already and honestly, I'm getting a little worried. I feel so adult right now. <br />
<br />
Hopefully, everything will get better. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-86749794980652700562016-05-10T22:34:00.000+08:002016-05-10T22:34:23.962+08:00hopeless. I'm the type of girl who would travel for almost an hour just to spend a good one hour with you before cabbing home even though I'm broke. <br />
<br />
I'm willing to go to any lengths just to make sure you're okay.<br />
I'm always thinking about you. <br />
I'd always give in to you, even if I don't want to. <br />
I'd reply you on the spot even if you take ages to reply. <br />
I'd help you, even when you didn't ask for it.<br />
I'll splurge on you, even when I know I wouldn't have enough for myself. <br />
<br />
I'm that type of girl who would pretty much do anything for you.<br />
<br />
And maybe that's why I get hurt so often. <br />
<br />
I wish I was much meaner and selfish. Maybe I wouldn't be so miserable right now. <br />
<br />
I just want people to appreciate me rather than seeing it as an opportunity to take full advantage. Don't anyone want to be treated nicely? <br />
<br />
I just want someone to stick by me, regardless of what a shitty person I am. I am afraid of being alone. I need someone, which I can assure you is the shittiest feeling ever just cause you'll never be happy with yourself. I am never happy with myself. <br />
<br />
Does anyone really think that I'm truly where I am right now?? Of course I wish I was still in school right now, supported by my parents. But no, reality check, I won't be interested in anything I'm studying right now and my parents can barely support the family. Do you think I like it when I have bad news to offer my mum? Do you think I'm that heartless? I wish I could be man. <br />
<br />
I just want to be happy, be it temporary or not. As long as I'm happy in the moment, that's enough. I don't need anyone to tell me whether what I'm doing is right or not, I know it myself but I choose to be that way. Why? I don't know. I just want to okay. <br />
<br />
I'm just really frustrated with everything and honestly, I don't know how long more can I go on before falling back to depression and having suicidal thoughts all over again. <br />
<br />
With everyone just condemning me, I really don't know how much longer can I go on. <br />
<br />
Fuck. It's all coming back. The thoughts, the urge. Everything. I just hope I can survive the night so it'll be better in the morning. Hopefully. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-86134811458812073972016-04-28T03:14:00.000+08:002016-04-28T03:14:46.289+08:00Baby StepsPeople still ask me if how am I doing. And honestly, I really don't know what to respond. I just want to shrug my shoulders and say I don't know but that will just lead into me talking bout him once again. <br />
<br />
It's not easy. Seeing him once in a while. Just watching him go pass just like that. I guess it hurts? I don't know. I don't have a accurate answer. He has blocked me off majority of the social medias already. <br />
<br />
I'm moving on. Taking baby steps; one at a time. There's only so much I can handle. I do find myself thinking bout him once in awhile. Just especially more tonight. Flashbacks coming back to me one by one but I don't feel like crying. Which is a good thing I guess. I realized, after majority of my breakup, I cry harder. I usually regain my emotional strength after awhile. But not this time. It seems like I'm losing all sorts of feelings. Thankfully I still find bliss and joy in most of the things I'm doing. I keep myself busy as much as possible. I sleep in whenever I can which resulted in me sleeping till 4pm on Tuesday. At work, I either watch DOTS (And yes, I've been defeated. I loss the war of not watching K-Dramas) or re-arrange everything over and over again. I stopped sitting around and stare into blank space. I walk around more. I started talking to Yuki more as well. <br />
<br />
I'm so lost for words right now. But thankfully, I start realizing more things. Some were reminders, some were new thoughts.<br />
<br />
I see how one should never chase after someone who doesn't bother. You keep giving and giving to a point that when the person leaves, you're just so drained emotionally. <br />
<br />
I see how one should never ever give in for someone so much. Always stand up for your rights and what you believe in. And obviously, do things logically. Cause in the end, you give so much, till you're left with nothing. <br />
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I see how one should never love someone so much and rely their happiness on them. You should always be happy with yourself. That's why it's so important to love yourself. It's okay to be thickskinned occasionally. It's okay to hate yourself once in awhile. After all, we're humans, not perfect. In the end, if you rely your happiness on someone, when they leaves, the best parts of you leaves as well. <br />
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Never ever let someone bring you down. It's so important and not emphasized enough. Always stay rooted in what you believe in and never let someone else's opinion affect your stands. <br />
<br />
I'm in the process of rediscovering myself. What's my worth? What are my rights? What do I believe in? People change over a period of time. Did any of my beliefs change? What am I going to do for a change? <br />
<br />
Remember this, how much you think you're worth, also affects how others treat you. If you say you're worthless, people will always treat you like one. This is the thing about people (Speaking generally, not necessarily everyone), they are all born sadist. They will always like to see someone below them, they will always want to be better than others. And if your friends are not like that, you my friend, should be very thankful. And there's where the saying "Choose your friends wisely" comes in.<br />
<br />
I lost everything when I lost H. I barely have friends anymore ever since I came back from Bali. TRPB kicked me out cause I "broke the bro code" (Pfft as though I have a dick to be part of the bro code). After my breakup with him, people from his store barely talk to me anymore. Kambing has his love life and I don't want to disturb that. I was basically falling back to depression. Constantly drowning myself in alcohol. Barely eating. H was everything to me. I prioritized him first. His happiness was my happiness. I fell to deep. How can someone love someone so much within a month? I don't know. I just really loved him. I saw something more in him. He was different. I trusted him too much. I knew he was hiding things, I let it slide. I choose to see him in a positive light. Turns out I was his light cause he <strong>is</strong> the broken one. He took my light and now I'm trying to fix my light; not searching for it anymore. <br />
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In time, I'll fix myself up and ready for a new adventure. I'm still in the process of recovering. I'll be okay one day. Baby steps, one at a time. Slowly, but surely. <br />
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Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-44841636132130045672016-04-16T19:04:00.000+08:002016-04-16T19:04:21.814+08:00It's official. I can barely feel anything anymore. I have no more tears to shed for you either. I only know there's this emptiness in my heart. Somehow, I'm so filled with hatred for people. I don't see a need to be nice to people anymore. <br />
<br />
What's the point of being nice? Yes, it is a nice feeling to be nice to people. I did gain joy and happiness by being nice. I feel happiness whenever I help someone. But I get betrayed and hurt more than I feel happy. Is it worth it? Yes, it <strong>was</strong>. Not anymore. I have to be more selfish. I've to put myself first. The heart can only take so much.<br />
<br />
I never liked being mean or selfish. I'm nice because I want to see other people being happy. I already know how shitty this world can be. I see things people don't cause I overthink so much and I see the truth is every situation. Let me tell you something, if somehow technology creates something that can see other people's thoughts and perspectives and you look into my mind, I can assure you, you would want to kill yourself as well. <br />
<br />
Everyone is so selfish that they are so willing to hurt others without reconsidering their life decisions. They forget that everyone has their own hardships to go through as well. But when someone does it to them, they start being this shithead that questions why people are so selfish and enjoys hurting other people's feelings. <br />
<br />
However, it seems like being selfish is the only way you can protect yourself from being hurt. As much as I don't want to become that stupid shithead, I might have to. <br />
<br />
I have lost almost everything. My one true love, the people who I can call my closest friends and bros. I only have a small handful of friends whom I can really trust and talk to. And let me tell you, I can count with just one hand how many there are. Yes, I am thankful for this bunch cause I know they are my true friends; Firzanah, Kitty, Darryl and kambing. These are the ones who are true friends. <br />
<br />
It's really hard to trust anyone else nowadays. Everyone is so full of greed; not just monetary wise. They only want the best for themselves. Otherwise known as self centered. Not everyone has good intentions. Some people just want information so they can bring you down. I'm not surprised that people are like that, I'm more surprised by the people who actually are like that. <br />
<br />
Everyone wishes that the world would be a better place or constantly complain that good people don't exist anymore. All they do is complain. They don't do anything about it. They want other people to start being nice first. Or they expect something in return when they do something nice.<br />
<br />
Let me tell you something guys, if you wanna do something nice, don't expect anything in return. People are just so used to taking advantage of others and tossing them aside once they are done. Expect nothing, appreciate everything. Only this way, you'll be happy cause you get surprised by any good things that happens. The right people will give you something nice in return. Trust me. <br />
<br />
I really don't know how the fuck am I supposed to be selfish. I like sticking to my morals of having courage and being kind. But I'm so tired of getting hurt. I'm so tired of getting played. The heart can only bear so much pain. <br />
<br />
Sometimes, I really wish I can't feel pain. It's better than wishing that the world is a better place to live in. At least, I can be nice and not feel pain. And I'll be happier. It's way more realistic. <br />
<br />
All these talk, but the main point is still, the world is fucked up in every way possible, you either be mean or get hurt. Not being negative, just a reality check to everyone. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-39707838416808626522016-04-14T14:14:00.000+08:002016-04-14T14:14:59.436+08:00<br />
There are so much emotions in me right now and I don't know which should I feel first. So much thoughts in my head that are speaking to me, but I don't know which to listen to first. So many questions in my head, but no answers; just assumptions and theories. <br />
<br />
Congratulations, you messed me up good. <br />
<br />
In the previous post, I kept asking myself what did you see in me and why you would like me. I guess I got the answers to those questions. You don't. None of it was real. But other questions come up. How did you make it seem so real? How do you lie into someone's eyes without feeling the guilt? <br />
<br />
What we had in between us, I can't even describe it. I don't even know how to explain to people why I fell so hard for you even though it was such a short period. <br />
<br />
One day you're gonna meet someone who cliqued with you immediately. It's not about the way the person looks, it's just emotionally, you feel the closeness; as though you've known each other for like 10 years. But this person, they are gonna break your heart, sadly. Why? Nothing is perfect. You don't just meet someone who you know is the one just like that. Sorry but god is a real asshole eh? Just have to put you through hell before you get your reward. Too bad there's no reward here anymore. <br />
<br />
I've honestly been feeling so shitty ever since the day I found out you were going out with her again. My heart broke, I was so numb I didn't know what to feel. I didn't cry on the spot. It took me a good hour for the numb to go away and that's when I start to break down. I downed so many cups of liquor that night, hoping that the numb would come back again. I cut myself. It felt worse than it usually did. <br />
<br />
It so much more when you came over to pick up your stuff that very night. I couldn't bring myself to look at you. I didn't want you to see me cry, I didn't want you to see the fresh wounds on my hand. I was still concerned about your feelings. I felt so shitty that I had to call Darryl over. And that entire week I wasn't eating properly. I didn't have the mood to do anything and I was drinking every single night. <br />
<br />
I'm not trying to be attention seeking here. This is the space where I can say what I want and whatever that is bothering me, to let me rant my heart out. The only time I'll be brutally honest and everything said here, is straight from my heart. If you want to use to your advantage, I won't stop you. <br />
<br />
I was so broken I kept drinking every day. I was going for my long awaited vacation. I wasn't excited at all. I didn't want to do anything but I knew going for the trip would be a good idea to get my mind off things. Everyone kept telling me to put my problems in SG and enjoy in Bali. But I brought you along. <br />
<br />
The very first night in Bali, I couldn't sleep cause I was missing you so badly. I kept looking at your polaroid and I started crying. I held your polaroid to sleep and no one knew. And every night, I would keep your polaroid next to me when I sleep. And I was dreaming about you every single night. Up till today. <br />
<br />
There was one night where I had this very vivid dream that I still remember till this day. There was 2 actually. In the first one, you just held my hand and kept walking really fast, as though we were escaping from something. In the second one, you held my hand, looked into my eyes and said to me "You're mine". Both times I woke up crying. <br />
<br />
And the day I returned to work, I saw you for the first time in 2 weeks. I wanted to break down again. <br />
<br />
Yesterday you walked past my store 3 times and you just walked as though nothing ever happened. Which broke me apart. How can you act like nothing ever happened. Like, are you fucking serious? After everything we did together, and the things you said to me, you can just pretend that nothing ever happened?? <br />
<br />
I want an explanation from you. No wait, I don't want it. I need it. How do you expect me to move on when everything is so incomplete? I need closure man. <br />
<br />
Was scrolling through twitter, and I saw a picture that said " I can't wait for someone to tell me 'You're the best thing that ever happened to me' and meant it." Then I remembered, you once told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. Oh may I correct myself, you said that quite a few times. What the fuck happened man? What the fuck happened. <br />
<br />
<br />
"How do I live, how do I breathe. When you're not here I'm suffocating."<br />
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Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-79758228353341637312016-03-16T16:40:00.001+08:002016-03-16T16:40:20.608+08:00Falling In LoveY'know what I really hate about falling in love? I become weak. Not physically; mentally and emotionally. My once depressed thoughts turns its attention to you. I get butterflies in my stomach when I'm with you. I'm not sad that often. But a new fear pops out; the fear of losing you. <div><br></div><div>You have so much on your mind, so many things to settle. I don't know how to help you because I'm in no capability to do it. I wanna share your burdens. I'm sorry I can't be of much help. Worse still, I feel like I'm contributing more problems than help. </div><div><br></div><div>Somehow you managed to capture my attention the first time I saw you. You captured my heart that very night. How? I also don't know. It's something I can't decipher till this very day. I don't even know why do you love me. What do you see in me? </div><div><br></div><div>I'm really a nothing. I'm not good in studies. I don't do the household chores. I'm childish 98% of the time. I'm really not someone anyone wants. I need a lot of attention; It's something I constantly crave for cause I was never given enough as a kid. Even if I did, it was always for the wrong reasons. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm sorry I'm not the best. I can't be. And will never be. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm sorry. </div><div><br></div><div>I love you, please don't leave me. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-85735336631094361152016-01-14T04:11:00.000+08:002016-01-14T04:11:12.511+08:0013th day.I tried sleeping, but obviously it's not working. I have so much on my mind and I can't even emphasize how tired I actually am. It's about to be 4am, I have no cigarettes, no phone, no rest. I'm working full shift later on, wish me luck man. <br />
<br />
It's been 13 days since everything happened. Just thankful that I still have my friends coming by to entertain me. Otherwise I really don't know what would have happened to me. I just wish that Zul could stayover cause it's the night where my mind becomes fucking active for idk what reason. I'm really tired and I need to rest. My mind wouldn't let me. I just keep thinking bout every single thing and also about work. I'm honestly so unmotivated to work right now. I just want to be at home everyday and do nothing. But I really need the money. <br />
<br />
Been stressing bout finding a new job too. I'm so afraid of new environments. I kinda wanna work at F21 but I don't know what to wear everyday if I'm going to work there. Fucking stupid right? I know. The other side of me wants to find other retail jobs but I don't know what either. I'm practically fine with anything as long as it's not in those atas shops or all PR workers. <br />
<br />
Things between me and Zul has been going fine. I mean we're not together, we're just dating at the moment. I might be in love with this idiot. :) Even though we kinda broke up, but I guess everyone deserves second chances right? I mean he's different now, the good kind of different. So why not? <br />
<br />
Anyways, I'm still really affected by how everything is now. It's so fucking hard to do anything without my phone. I'm pretty much empty inside right now. Keeping all my promises by doing the things I said I would do. I mean, it's my job anyway. I just hope a miracle will happen so I don't have to feel this way. This is painful man. <br />
<br />
There's so many things I wanna do but I just can't do right now. I really wanna change my style, the way my room looks now and of course, the way I look. I'm waiting for myself to get better so I can start exercising. Currently saving up for Bali so I can't spend on clothes or furniture. 71 more days to Bali and I haven't saved a single cent. Legit. <br />
<br />
I have to search for a job in March cause it's pretty obvious that I'm gonna be fired soon. Or what I think is going to happen. Just hope I find a job before I leave for Bali. Why can't someone just accidentally transfer me like $10k or let me find a bag of money worth $10k. <br />
<br />
On the bright side, at least I'm collecting my IC this weekend. And, 173 days till I turn 18. Am I looking forward to that? Nope. <br />
<br />
Stress, stress, stress. I shall try to sleep right now. Left with like 3 hrs of sleep. Hah, wish me luck. <br />
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Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7934376883790824952.post-10168782470194201352016-01-12T00:03:00.000+08:002016-01-12T00:04:32.653+08:00Heartfelt Thoughts & ApologiesIf I asked for your forgiveness, would you forgive me? <br />
<br />
If I explained myself, would you understand?<br />
<br />
If I talked to you, would you even listen to what I have to say?<br />
<br />
---<br />
<br />
This were the things that are in my mind. I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I wanted to give you time to cool off. But now I don't even know how to approach you anymore. I'm afraid that when I approach you, you'll think that I'm there just to get my phone back. Which is half true cause I need my phone for other stuff as well. I can't go on like that anymore. It was selfish of you to take away my phone but I understood why you did it. And honestly, I wouldn't blame you or hate you for doing it. <br />
<br />
The past few days haven't been easy. I've always struggled with my self-worth. And now my worst nightmares are coming true; to be a nobody. Constant thoughts to end my life but I constantly manage to convince myself not to do anything stupid. I'm hoping that I'll continue to be able to convince myself. I'm afraid that one day I'll be driven to a point where I just can't take it any further and it just happen. It scares me so much you know. I immediately regretted my actions that day. I didn't intend for anyone to bother you.<br />
<br />
Isn't it sad how I have to turn to the cyber world to release the constant flood of thoughts in my mind? I just find it so hard to talk to you, not that I don't want to. It's just that when I want to talk to you, you don't seem to be paying attention. When I try to tell you things, you either act irrationally or you just refuse to accept what I have to say. <br />
<br />
I didn't mean to become this monster that I am right now. Nobody's perfect. I can't constantly live up to your expectations because, you know, that's simply impossible. You can't just keep having high expectations of me, even when I remind you not to, because I know I can't live up to all your expectations and therefore resulting in so much disappointments. Eventually causing you to be hurt all the time. It's not that I don't want to listen to you. I just have too much things on my mind, and when you tell me things, everything just adds up and eventually I don't get things done because I'm just thinking about all these things. I know you'll take it as I'm giving you excuse, and I agree that I can't always play this card. On this part, it's my fault too. And I apologize.<br />
<br />
I've told you from the start even before I dropped out from school that when I have my off days. I just really wanna enjoy myself. And I agree I shouldn't be neglecting the house chores cause I still live in this house and I have a part to play in maintaining the house. But I just don't get why you constantly expect me to be home to do everything. I don't see my brother sweeping the house let alone wash the plates. Yes I know I don't do them either. I'm not trying to compare or purposely bring this up. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't get why you constantly put pressure on me, if you're gonna say I'm a girl, that is honestly not a legit answer. And if you're gonna say that he's tired or we're living under the same roof, we have to do the housework. I really don't see him doing any of the household chores either. Even on his off days. Let's be real. As I'm writing this, I'm honestly reflecting and making a plan for myself as well. I know talk is cheap, but I've learnt my lesson, the hard way, and probably the only way I'll ever learn. But that's just me. Please give me time to change and get my shit together. (It's still not an excuse to take my phone cause I need it for work- This is a legit reason) <br />
<br />
Yes I agreed when I said "My friends are more important". They are important, I won't deny that, but it's stupid (sorry) to compare like that. And I was saying that sarcastically, you should have known. It was stupid of me to do that, but I was just really pissed off because you were putting words in my mouth and assuming a lot of things. I've told you countless times not to assume cause that's only gonna hurt you. It'll bring you to nowhere, just anger. That's just one of the few things I dislike about you. But it's just you and I would understand it. I didn't even understand why were you dragging into my friends into all of this. And when you said that I don't talk to my friends that way, trust me, I do worse. And I can promise you that you'll never want me to speak to you like that ever. I still respect you as an authority figure.<br />
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I've always believed that love is accepting someone for who they are. Love is patient, love is kind. But why did you make love seem like it's always bad. I can empathize with the lyric you give love a bad name. I'm not saying that you don't love me or whatever, I know you still love me. It's you, I understand. Everyone expresses everything differently right? But some things have to change. If you expect me to change, then you should consider making a few changes as well. It takes two hands to clap. If I'm the one constantly changing just to make you happy, it's extremely unfair to me because after all, I have my own life and I really don't want to live to please people. <br />
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You just have to trust me in whatever I'm doing, you don't say it but I know that you're still disappointed that I've chose to drop out despite you constantly trying to talk me out. If you can't accept it, you'll never be happy. I'm sorry that I've disappointed you but I know what I'm doing and I have people like you and my friends to guide me along the way. You're not the only one who is disappointed that I dropped out of school. Majority of my friends are as well, but they trust that I'll be okay. You just have to trust me. If there's no trust, this relationship can never work. No trust = no relationship. I'm sure you've heard of this. Have you ever considered this to why we always have conflicts?<br />
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I know you want the best for me, but do you really think I want the worst for myself? <br />
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It's not like I stay home everyday and do nothing. And yes, I should help out with the house chores when I have my off days. That's why I've decided to make all my weekends free so I can stay home to do house chores. Of course some days I'll hang out with my friends because after all I'm only 18. I want to live in the moment, enjoy my life when I'm still young. It might be once in awhile, it may be every week but I can promise you one thing for sure, I'll get the basics done; my room, vacuuming the house, doing my own laundry. I don't make promises I can't keep. The only reason why you keep saying that I don't keep my promises is cause you always indirectly force me to make promises I can't keep. And I hate it when I do that cause I already knew from the start that you'll just end up disappointed. It all goes back to the part where you have to trust me and stop expecting so much and be confident that I know what to do. <br />
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I really hope you would not be angry while reading this post. When you're angry, you perceive everything to be negative, if you were, please calm yourself down and re-read the entire thing. I'm not expressing my anger or hoping that you will sympathize me. I just hope you will understand why I did what I did. I truly did not meant for any of those things to happen and it constantly pains me to see us being this way. <br />
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To summarize everything, I just hope that you'll assume less, trust more, expect less, appreciate every small things more. Trust me, whenever you show appreciation to the smallest things I do, I get motivated to be a better person. <br />
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If you have anything you wanna talk to me, please I'll be more than willing to hear from you. But I have to emphasize that if you want me to change, you have to as well. Takes two hand to clap. It can't be that I'm the one constantly changing and you remain the same. It won't work that way. <br />
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I'm not saying I'm the best or whatever. I'm just saying all this because I want our relationship to improve. You have to be willing to listen to my opinions if you want me to listen to yours as well. I'm trying to fix all these and I just need your cooperation. This plan might fail, but it's worth the try isn't it? Things will never be perfect anyway. We just have to constantly work this out. <br />
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And I really need my phone back, I have a lot of stuff to settle. And no I don't spend all my time shopping online or chatting with my friends. I actually do a lot of logical and relevant researches and I have other things as well. And no I did not say all this just to get my phone back. I'm 18 soon and I have more than just work and home to juggle. It's irrelevant to explain here. I wrote all this because I sincerely meant it. I hope I didn't sound rude or anything here. I'm just telling you what I'm constantly feeling. <br />
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I really love you and I will never want to lose you. You're all that I have ever since he left. You always have been and will always be. <br />
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I know you still care. I do too. <br />
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I'm sorry that I've disappointed you. I never intended to hurt you. I just have my own perspective of everything else that's why I choose to do things my way. I agree I have to change some things. I'm sorry that I'm constantly hurting you but it was all unintentional. I just wish you would understand why I act/think this way and maybe then you'll stop being so affected by my actions. <br />
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I'm so sorry. I love you a lot. Please accept my forgiveness and be patient with my change. It takes time, but I promise you it will be constant and progressive. Jaeclyn Neethahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11941758240681976994noreply@blogger.com0