Change is the only constant.

It's been three years since I came on this space and today I felt the need to come back here. 

So many things have changed over the years and I'm honestly proud to say that I'm not the same person I was three years ago. It has been a rollercoaster but here I am, barely surviving but still going at it.  

Three years and I'm still in love with the person I can't have. 

Today I opened up a small portion of me to someone. I made myself vulnerable. I don't know if that was the right idea to be honest. Because ever since I opened up, I feel so vulnerable all the time. I haven't stopped crying in the past two hours. Feels a bit pathetic. 

How do you open up to someone who caused most of the trauma? I don't blame her for acting the way she did. It wasn't right and shouldn't be tolerable but she was going through something at that point of time as well. She didn't deserve that either. I don't hate her for it, not anymore at least. 

The best way I can get through this is to actually talk about it. So here goes:

I'm insecure, and have always been. Because she always berated me, always commented on my weight, my appearance, my everything. 

I never felt good enough. Because she always reminded me of it, How I could have gotten three points more for my PSLE results. How I could have prevented that from happening. How I deserve everything that was happening to me. 

I always felt useless, worthless. 

I am glad that all these experiences have taught me to be a better person, have better judgement on things, and opened up my perspective on things. But I am still learning to be better everyday. I am still learning how to deal with everything, one step at a time. 

I don't feel appreciated by the company even though I give my everything. Maybe I did more than I'm supposed to. I don't know. I don't even know how I'm going to fight for something that I actually deserve. 

Sigh. 

I've been thinking about him way too much, more than I'm supposed to. It's unhealthy. I dream about him so often cause I'm always thinking about him before I sleep and then I wake up thinking about him. I see him often and I always think if I should talk to him. It's not right, whatever I'm doing. I don't want to be the third person in someone's relationship. But I genuinely love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I genuinely do, and I've been thinking about it for awhile. 

But I doubt he feels the same. I doubt he wants the same. Honestly, it breaks my heart. But what can I possible do? Nothing. I can just watch from afar. I can just be happy for him. 

I should be sleeping, but I have so much on my mind right now. It has been like this for days. I don't know how to deal with it. I really don't know what to do next.