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Thursday, April 27, 2017

After watching 13 reasons why, the matter of suicide has constantly been on my mind. There were a lot of flaws in the show, but also many parts I could relate to or agree to. The feeling of no one caring, the feeling when no one seems to listen, or only listening to reply, listening only after you die. That made me want to kill myself.

Suicide letters; I've written tons of them. I pour my heart out and bawl like a newborn. It's painful; painful to write about all the good times and how it'll never happen again, and how I'm sorry that I resorted the losers way. I usually pause halfway through writing them and think of how people would react to it. Thinking of how people would be hurting if I actually killed myself, I question my ability to commit the sin. I mean people constantly put me through pain that I didn't ask for. So why? Why should I bother if they would be in pain. Maybe, and just maybe, it'll be worth it to end everything once and for all. I don't have to go through another day, wondering if I'll eventually get married or if someone would eventually love and accept me for who I am.

That day, I was in so much pain. Fever, headache and cramps that kept me up all night. I couldn't take the pain and eventually I started crying. I felt the pain so badly that I started thinking of all the emotional and mental pain. I was so suicidal, but this was the thing, I didn't know who to call. I couldn't call anyone to help me distract the pain. I just kept crying for a good two hours. Then I felt the emptiness once again.

Yes, it's my fault for filling my life with all these temporary people, I know. I only have myself to blame. But how bad is it, that I couldn't even turn to my own best friend? Or speak to my own mother about how I'm feeling? I just kept scrolling and scrolling through my contacts. Not a single person I could think of to text. I eventually texted Darryl, in which the reply I got was "tsk don't luh" which instantly broke my heart to be honest. It's not about "don't" or not anymore. It's not that anymore. I'll probably be suicidal still in the future, but what if one day, the text don't come in, but the call from the hospital does?

I admit, I'm weak. I try to be strong. I appear strong, even tho I'm tired, I still do. If I appear weak again, I won't look like myself anymore. I won't be that girl you see in the photos anymore. I won't be smiling anymore. The scars on my hand, they'll increase.

I have no one to talk to about my suicide. Cause they've heard a lot about it already. I talk about it so much, people think I'm joking. Or at least, thinks that I'm the joke. I can't decipher why suicide seems to be the only reason for me. I can't comprehend how people can fight through their problems. I don't see a solution to my problems. I'm tired of finding one too. I'm tired of everything.

I'm considering cutting any close friends I have. I want to learn to live with myself. Live with my anxiety. Live with my depression. To be honest, I feel like staying at home for a month. No clubbing, no going out. Just staying home.

My cries for help will never be heard, one day, I'll stop crying. And when that day comes, it's the end.

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