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Monday, June 25, 2018

As much as I love the company of people, I downright hate them. 
Hate is a really strong word, but I wouldn't change my choice of word. 

People constantly worry about who they can trust, if their circle of friends are the right one.
When are friends people going to leave you? Will they be there if you need them?

I understand that sometimes, there are people you got to burn the bridges with. 
Why go through all that hassle?

I keep telling myself that I am going to learn to love myself. I do the small things to pamper myself. But I forgot one important thing, self love also means I got to hurt myself first by cutting ties with people and things cause they are hurting me as well. For anyone else out there reading this, if I stopped talking to you, you're not alone. I did that to everyone. Self love also means that, I have to stop finding for temporary escapes because I'm relying on someone. Self love also means self sufficient, where I stop picking the small details of myself as flaws and accept them as uniqueness. Self love also means that, I got to stop wanting to hurt myself.

It pains me so much right now. Knowing that I constantly still have to cut ties with people that I once had so much past with. All I can do is just look at memories of them. But at the end of the day, they don't deserve the best parts of me. 

I stopped using IG story, focused more on the physically connection. But at the same time, I choose who I hang out and talk with. If I don't talk to you, I probably feel uncomfortable or you probably did something to hurt me. 

Guess what? I stopped caring. I stopped caring about how other people feel and what they say about me. Why does it matter? Everyone is just going to have the same damn impression they had before. They are going to remember your past. People move on but they don't forget. 

I'm going to start a new chapter soon. There are plenty of challenges and I don't even know if I will be able to handle them. I'm terrified. I've always been terrified of change. But I got to stop feeling that way. This will hopefully be a good change. I'm afraid but I'm ready.

In less than 2 weeks, I'll be turning 20. I honestly don't know how to feel. 
This year, I'm going to make a promise, not a wish. A promise that I'll always put myself first, I'll love myself first, I'll be my own happiness.