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Friday, March 6, 2015

Down with flu, cough and fever. Feeling like shit these days and now with flu, I feel 10x shittier than I already am. Been trying to get things out of my mind, especially you. You're always there. You never left. I can't believe you're fucking gone. You're never returning. It's not a dream. It's the fucking reality. 

Lifeskill lesson was so deep to me. Got me thinking bout stuff when teacher was talking about the reliability of sources and whether to trust or not. 

Trust is such an important topic. People don't actually know the importance of it. People do not understand the purpose of it. People takes it lightly. No one deserves to be trusted. 

Trust is so fragile. Yet so strong. Contradicting eh? As ironic as it sounds, it's true. 

Trust can be easily broken. As simple as lying, something I'm very sure everyone does on a daily basis. But yet, if the trust is there, that particular relationship can go onto so many levels, eventually making the two parties inseperable, until the trust is broken. 

I remember telling you how I believed that we could last. I added that I wasn't having high expectations. It was merely trusting that he wouldn't leave and trusting that things would go well. 

I hate myself so much for trusting people so easily. Like, I would trust someone till a certain level even when I just met them. I've had people asking me, what if someone broke your trust. I replied, that would be my mistake for trusting them, but I also pity them cause someone actually trusted them in something but they choose to break my trust. They should feel sorry for themselves cause they constantly want people to trust them but they don't realize the problem. 

Enough about trust. All I really want to talk about is you. People always wonder why I started/resumed/am still blogging. Well, I figured that no one can actually be there for me 24/7 cause they have their own lives to live and their own problems to solve. I don't want to be a burden to anyone around me. So I created a network for myself to talk to, the internet. Not the best idea, I admit. Cause things can get a little too personal at times but I have a solution for that too. If it's too personal, I simply jot in down in my notes. If I think it's okay to share with anyone who's interested in my life (usually people who are fucking busybody or people who are genuinely concerned about me), I would "talk" to myself on blogger to truly express how I really feel about matters and just let it out. It's also good cause people would know why I'm not happy or wjatever cause they can read my blog and they wouldn't have to ask me about my problems and I wouldn't need to explain or talk about it. But the bad part of all this is that I can be brutally homest with my opinions and hurt people feelings without myself knowing. However, sometimes it's the truth and we just have to accept it or continue lying to ourselves. I mean if you cannot handle it, just don't read my blog ah. Other times, It would just be a one sided opinion and people would commonly misunderstand all that. I love blogging and will always do cause it's the only space where I express my feelings truly and I can just "talk" my problems out. I've never lied in any of my posts.I do cry while writing sometimes, just like how others would when talking to someone. It really feels as though I have a friend and I can "talk" about my problems to someone. I feel good, I feel happy afterwards, so I don't really give a fuck whether you disagree with me or whatever. 

Anyways, back to the main topic. I'm still pretty upset about everything. I still cannot accept the fact that you're gone and you'll never be returning. You've been hinting a lot bout moving on. Your IG posts, they were all from the 21 days poem. Behavior scientists have proven that if you live without something for 21 days, you will stop that habit. And you're my habit. I don't want to move on. Really. I can't let go, not now at least. When you captioned that you "laughed without me", I really don't know what to do or feel. Anyways, I'm really really sleepy right now. I'm falling asleep while writing this. Worse part is I have class at 9am tmrw. Alright then. That's all for now. 

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