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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

To a better future.

Things has been going real shitty lately. Dislocated my tailbone, fell sick twice and worse of all; spoilt my iPhone. Fucking pissed off ah. But there's really nothing I can do about anything. Feeling so shitty ever since he left. Literally everything has been going wrong. And everyone just keeps telling me to positive. How the fuck do people actually stay positive? I mean, yeah I used to be pretty positive but what the fuck happened? Life fucking happened. I still miss him a lot every single day. I still talk to him at work but it's so shitty cause of the attitude he gives me. I fucking hate it. What have I ever did wrong? Fucking shit man. And then his instagram post. It's all negative shit. And I really feel like it's all directed to me. Like what the fuck, just say it to my face la. I can't take it, I admit. But I rather know that you're talking about me than thinking it's me. Either way, it fuckings hurts.

Anyways, I had a really deep talk with Princeton last night and I made a vow to myself. I really hope to become more brave in life and not let fear take the best out of it. I can't allow that to happen. I've be missing a lot of things out because I'm afraid of failure. I shouldn't be. I don't want to let my anxiety take away my happiness. I don't want to let people opinions of me affect my performance. I'm going to do whatever the fuck that makes me happy.

And I actually did something I never thought of doing today. I climbed over a fucking fence, just to retrieve a fucking ball. I know it sounds small to a lot of people out there. But it means so fucking much to me. I've always been afraid if I climb over something I might not have the strength or I might fall down and embarrass myself. I actually said I can't do it just now. Then I thought to myself, fuck it. I'm gonna do it even if I fall. The only thing that happened was the fucking branch went up my ass haha. It wasn't that bad. I got in safely and out safely. Yeah I'm going to do more dangerous shit and I'm not gonna be afraid. Fuck you fear. You're not going to get the best out of me anymore. I'm not going to care about how people will look at me or think of me. As long as I'm happy and kind to others, I'm good.

As for him, I don't know. It's really up to him. If he really wants me to leave, I'd just leave him alone and treat him as a normal friend. Too bad things didn't work out. Just gonna have to deal with it. Cause really, I've done what I can do already. I just really hope he'll give us a second chance. I'm willing to wait after his GP. Really. I've never done this, so I'm going to challenge myself. Fight all the temptations to text him. Give him his time alone.

I'm kinda sad that my iPhone spoilt cause that means I can't re read all our old conversations. It's really nice you know, You see how he cares and how he is so fucking cute and all. Okay it's just me laa. But I fucking miss him. I have to stop telling him that. Until his GP ends. I can do this. Yes I am afraid of him liking someone else or he telling me he really don't have the feelings for me anymore. I am really afraid, I still cry over it at night. But at least I stayed loyal and kept to my own promises. Haishh, just really hope all this would be worth it.

Here's to a better future, hopefully. And also to us, hopefully to our new beginning in the future. Love you, you little fucking annoying cute asshole.

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