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Monday, March 2, 2015


You're still refusing to talk to me. Why? Why are you still holding back? I just don't get it at all. Now I cannot stop thinking about your latest IG post. That's like the only communication method I have to see what's going on in your life. I'm just really not ready to move on yet. Yes I've met new people in my life. But so what? The only thing I talk about is you. They're probably annoyed by listening to me talk about you. Everything I do, it literally reminds me of you. Night Fiesta today, it's a little bit of a torture standing at places that we once stood at. They played your favourite song. Your school was there. Someone had the same name as you. It was just you.

I still haven't been sleeping well recently. Every night I go to bed, dream of you, wake up and think about you again. I woke up crying on Friday morning cause I dreamt of you with another girl and in that dream, you purposely made out with that girl in front of me. As though you were doing it on purpose to hurt my feelings. I still remember the dream clearly. It haunts me everyday. The entire day that dream was bothering me, up till today. I just really don't want to see you with another girl .I know I sound a little bit overly attached. But I mean, who would want to see the person you love with someone else right after you both broke up. It's not nice. It's never nice. During chingay there was some trampoline performance and I only thought of you. I pictured you on the trampoline doing your tricks and crazy stunts. I really miss you telling me about how you learnt a new trick and all that. I miss you so much. I just want to hug you. I miss rushing out of the house and hoping I won't be late to meet you. You improved my mental health so much but now it's just deproving bit by bit. Everything is just tearing me up. I'm just glad I'm not alone these few days and at least I have people by my side to distract myself from thinking of you. I still feel so lonely even though I'm surrounded with people. It feels like you're the only one that I need. Just you, and I wouldn't need anyone or anything else. Cause you're the one I really want. I don't feel happy whenever I do anything.

I chose to go for night fiesta today cause I didn't want to be at home cause I would be thinking of you. And I just wanted to tire myself up so I would crash straight away when I reached home. But apparently it's not working. But I still find myself thinking about you time to time. That's why I keep saying, it's not time for me to move on.

I really hope you'll read this. I have a lot of things to tell you, just that I don't want to bother you and I don't even know what you'll say afterwards. You probably won't reply either. I have no guts to say all this to you, cause I'm afraid of your response or what you'll think. Why are you trying to move on? Isn't it stupid? You said you're ready for people to leave you. And here you are trying to move on. I want you to stay, yet you're moving on. Why? At least explain to me. You've been on my mind ever since that day. Tonight will be 2 weeks since you left. This literally struck me so hard right now. 2 weeks. 2 fucking long torturous week. Everyday, I die inside a little bit. I shed a tear for you everyday. Hoping you'll come back. At least I've stopped cutting. I just want you to stay so badly. Tell me you missed me.. Tell me you wanna stay. Tell me you love me still. It's undeniable that the past 4 months was something. I'll be even more heartbrokened if you said that it was nothing. Tell me what I did wrong. Tell me what's on your mind. Tell me that you're sad cause I'm not there anymore. But then, this are just things I wanna hear. They might be different from what you're really feeling inside. I really don't know what to do everything. Everyday in the past I used to be looking forward to receiving your text, or meeting you. Now it's just nothing. Like I've lost my life. And I'm just a dead person living everyday cause I have to and not cause I want to.

You always wanted to know why I'm always staring at you and smiling to myself. This is why. I was just appreciating your presence in case you're gone. But I guess a lot of that isn't enough. Cause I crave for you every single time. I fall deeper in love with you everytime I look at you. But I never told you, cause you would tell me we're just dating and you're not ready for commitments. I never rushed you, although deep inside I really want to be with you. I needed time too. I needed time to see if I really like you or was it just infatuation.

I really didn't expect you to leave so soon. I really thought that we would last longer than I think we would. I was already shocked that we could last 4 months. But I guess that 4 months was it. I really hope that it will be longer. I really hope that everything can go back to the way it is, just better. I just have that little hope still inside of me, although it's fading day by day. I want to save this relationship but, what about you? I've always told you that it was always up to you to change things. You did nothing. And when you finally did something, you ended everything. I can still remember the day you said you wanted to end things. I remember how my heart literally just sank. I remember gulping the entire bottle of liquor like I was extremely dehydrated. I remember cutting and not feeling a single thing. I remember standing at the window and looking down. I remember looking at our photos and crying. I remember crying myself to sleep afterwards. I can never forget how painful it was.

I just hope you're happy now. That's my main wish. The other wishes are just too much. It'll never happen no matter how much I want it to. Things are never going to be the same again. :(

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