Up till today, I still cannot accept the fact that you're gone. I cannot accept the fact that you left. I cannot accept reality. It's just... unacceptable, you know. I literally have no mood to do anything. Was supposed to go shopping today but I just couldn't stop thinking of you. Even when I sleep I dream of you, and they are all nightmares. I'm literally afraid to go to sleep now. I cry myself to sleep and find myself crying even when I wake up. I just want you back. I want to talk to you but I'm too afraid that you wouldn't reply again or you would just say something that would break my heart again. Everyday I'm just thinking of you, wondering how are you coping with your GP, hoping that you're not too stressed up over it, imagining a smile on your face cause I love your smile. I also ponder on what you'll be doing, thinking of who pissed you off today. Everyday, I hope you're alright. I know it's stupid cause you're a grown up and you know how to live your life. But it feels part of me, to know how you're coping with things. I just want to see you again, cause I miss you so badly. I want to see the smile on your face. I miss asking you not to wear your 5 panel. I miss asking you to wear specs instead. I miss talking about photography. I miss watching you on the trampoline doing all those crazy stunts and hoping you won't injure your back. I miss accompanying you to the other side of Singapore just to take photos and be your model. I miss your warm hugs, even when you don't give it whole heartedly.
It breaks my heart so much whenever I think of you. It's like something I lost and can never have back again. All those are just memories that I can hold on to, hoping it will happen again. I look at pictures of you, remembering how I secretly took photos of you or how I keep forcing you to take a proper pic with me. I stalk your IG accounts since you blocked me on Snapchat, looking for updates on your life. All these memories. I want to create some more with you, how about you?
I've been clean for a week right now, exactly a week since you left too. My notes have been flooding with messages that I keep drafting for you, drafts that were initially written in the text box in your chat. I never had the courage to send it to you. I'm too afraid of your response. I do have the feeling that you blocked me off your whatsapp too.
I just wished, you never left at all. Or...
I wished you never told me you like me.