you left

I still cannot accept that you're gone. How could you just leave just like that?

I can always remember you telling me that I would leave first. But guess what? I didn't.

Why wouldn't you tell me anything? I would try to fix it if I could. You know the things I'm going through but you chose to leave me now?

But it's not your fault. It's mine, really. I wouldn't blame you. I understand. I just want to know how you're coping with school every now and then cause I can see that you're stressed as fuck.

I'm ready to let go and move on. You still have my heart. I won't let go of you just yet. The love is still there. It has never changed.

It's hard to cope these few days; cutting, drinking, smoking. You're always on my mind. Anything I do. When I'm in my room, everywhere I look. You're there. I'm wearing your hoodie right now, I can't let go. Not at all. Your scent, it's still there. It hurts me everytime. You probably think I'm stupid cause all these are self-inflicted. I could choose not to do it. Yeah, I could. But I can't. You meant everything to me. You are special. You still are. All those laughter. You have the cutest laughter. When you do your impressions of Adnan Mansoor.  The way you talk. Everything keeps replaying in my head. Remember the time after trampoline park, you were very tired and worn out but I kept tickling you and making you laugh. That was the only time when you didn't get angry when I tickled you. I miss you. I really do. I just wish I could still see you on Friday and hug you or something. But I know it's over. I want to tell you I miss you. But I know there's no point cause you might not feel the same anymore. I want to tell you how much you mean to me, but I can't, cause I know you wouldn't bother.

Been overthinking much more lately. Ever since the day we broke off. You posted a few pics on IG on both your accounts. Caption was " I miss you a lot. Meet up soon please" First thing that came to my mind was, who were you referring to? I literally broke down into tears, knowing that it was impossible that you're referring to me. Then the next picture was " Like a lot a lot" Definitely not me. Probably someone you haven't seen in the past 4 months since we started dating. But how could you? Then you posted a pic of a girl. Breaks my heart even more, I know it's quite stupid but I'm jealous. How could you? You blocked me on snapchat. Why? I have to keep reminding myself to stop overthinking cause it might not be what I think it is. But it hurts everytime. How can people just let go so easily and move on? You let me go. Was I not worth it? What's wrong with me?

Our memories is on replay in my head. Remember that one time when I kept touching your veins and you shouted all of a sudden saying "Don't touch later burst" I literally got scared and pull my hand back. Took me awhile to realize that it's not possible and we both started laughing. I miss how you always sound so serious and correct me then start laughing all of a sudden. You made me smile whenever I see you smiling or hear your laughter. I told you to smile more often, you did. You have no idea how happy it made me. I feel so numb right now. I can barely cry anymore. I tear up often but stop because I hear your laughter in my head. That's the only thing that keeps me going. You. You kept me going, you still do. It's hard without you here physically.

Remember the first day we hugged? November 22nd, 2014. We met before work at Starbucks. 1pm at Starbucks. When we were at the escalator. You turned around and just hugged me. It was awkward cause I haven't done that in awhile. But you kept hugging. I quickly got used to it cause it was so comfortable, and you smelt so damn good. That night we hung out till 3am and my mum fetched you home. We were hugging and we looked at each other, and kissed. It was all so perfect. November 23rd, Ella placed her head on your shoulders on the MRT, my heart literally broke. It was that night when you told me you had feelings for me. That's when we took our first picture. Do you remember?

December 4th, 2014. Our first date. 9pm at Boon Lay. I waited and was getting a little too anxious waiting alone then you turned up. I can't believe we sat there for 4hrs just talking. And then there was the player 1 player 2 thing ongoing and we were the commentator. I was sad when we had to leave. Dec 29th, 2014. I finally met you after 2 torturous weeks Passed you your first Christmas present, according to you. December 31st, 2014. You texted me at 5pm asking if I wanna meet him and spend the night together. I was damn happy cause my mum was making things bad at home. I got ready on the spot even though we were meeting like 2/3 hours later. Spent the night on the rooftop. It was nice and cold. Then we walked to Hort Park and literally sat down for 2 hrs and it was so funny cause you were trying to learn Chinese. Cute af. Shopped at 3 different patrol station cause we were hungry and thirsty and we felt stupid. Then we both fell asleep on the bus and the bus captain had to wake us up omg. So embarrassing. Everything was going well even though I overthought lots of situations in between. But he was patient with everything.

I still cannot believe that you left me already. "People come and go" That's what you always say. I always agreed on that. I still do, but I have something to add on.

People come and go. But they can always choose to stay.