When you're emotional and suicidal, the smallest thing speaks to you. I have to confess. I've not been mentally stable for the past few weeks. It just got worse a few days back. I'm in the darkest point of my life right now. Where everything is just falling apart. I can cry in any condition right now. So much has been bothering me. I don't even know what to do. Stayed clean for the past 1 year and now I'm back to square 1. It got to a point where I found every reason to slit my wrist. I've never cut anywhere near the wrist. It's my first time. I couldn't take it anymore. I really don't want to continue living.
As funny as it sounds. A butterfly "spoke" to me.
This is Bubu Jr. Yes, I name anything if I can. I've seen Bubu Jr. a few times. And because of Bubu Jr., I've understood a little more about butterflies. You see, Butterflies are actually very weak. No matter how gentle you are with a butterfly when handling them, they'll die. They have very short life spans too. I avoid touching butterflies ever since.
But today it was different. I ended practical and was on my way back to my locker to change my safety boots and all that. I saw him lying on the ground. That instant I knew he was dying cause he was to weak to fly. Even when I got him on my hand, he couldn't stand properly. He was on the brink of death. I brought him all the way to my locker and passed by my classmates and they all thought it was fake. I was holding him on my left hand, where the slits were. I wanted to show Bubu Jr. to my friends then I realized the scar was too obvious and I had to retreat. I got super anxious and insecure about the cuttings all of a sudden. My friends left and I just sat down on the floor and just admire the beauty of the butterfly. It suddenly struck across my mind. "On my hand, there's this beautiful creature that everyone admires and calls it beautiful. And on that same hand, a monster have just destroyed a perfectly normal wrist by cutting." I felt so embarrassed by myself. No matter how beautiful the butterfly was, the only thing that caught my attention was my scars. I couldn't stop looking at my scars. I couldn't stop thinking about how if I didn't realize that my scars was showing and my classmates saw it, they would either think I'm attention seeking or emo.
Looking from a different point of view. It just shows how the negatives in my life stands out more than the beautiful things. No matter how beautiful or how much you try to avoid looking at it, you know it's still there. I felt this very weird attachment to Bubu Jr all of a sudden. I quickly stood up and took a snap of Bubu Jr. Right after I took this picture, he fell straight to the ground. He couldn't get up anymore. He's dying. When he felt, I felt this pain in my heart. I don't know why. It may sound very stupid cause I literally just "bonded" with Bubu Jr through a very short walk from the corridors to my locker. But I really felt this pain. The pain that I keep feeling. The only way I can describe this is "My whole world just collapsed" I literally snapchatted this exact same phrase as my caption. It really feels like that. My world (Bubu Jr.) collapsed and just destroyed me inside. The same pain I feel everyday now. He died. Collapsed and there's no way to heal.
How can someone just walk into my life just like that and just constantly try to leave. I don't even have proof that he's trying to leave me. But his actions. It hurts me everytime I think about the day when he gave me the silent treatment. I asked him to tell me honestly how much I mean to him. He didn't even replied. Why did you just come into my life and just leave like that. Everyone's telling me to leave you. I know I can't, but that's the right thing to do. I realized this earlier. I chose to ignore that fact. Cause it hurts. How can you do this to me? After that 3 months and you still tell me you don't trust me. Then what the fuck has that 3 months been? Don't tell me it was nothing. It was definitely something. Why? Please tell me. Am I that bad of a person that there's nothing to like about me? Is it my personality? Is it cause of our age gap? Am I not mature enough? What am I doing wrong? What is it, tell me please? I'll willingly change, all for you. I just want to be with you. I can't stop smiling whenever I see you. When I look at you, I just see perfection. You're not that handsome. I know that. But all I see is perfection. Blinded by love I guess. I guess I'm not good enough for you either.
I really don't want to walk off from your life just like how you did to mine, although I know you won't feel anything. I love you. I really do. I don't hate you at all. I hate myself. I hate myself a lot. Why, you may ask. I hate myself cause I allowed myself to fall in love with you despite knowing that there are high chances that we won't work out.
I question myself if I still stay and see how it goes. Even though the politically correct answer is to leave. I know, but I can't bring myself to it. The thought of leaving him already makes me wanna cry.
I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I really want to get high or drunk or just something that can allow me to just distract myself and just let go of everything.
The hardest things for me to do now is to make a decision and hide my scar as much as possible. Especially from my mum. I don't want to see her hurt again. It breaks my heart. I told her that I've been having the urge to cut recently tho. And she told me she's afraid she'll fall back into depression state. What do I do? The only help I can offer is to be there for her as much as possible. But how do I do that if I myself am mentally unstable and I can barely go through a day without thinking about suicide. I fail as a daughter, I fail as a friend, I fail as a potential(?) girlfriend (?), I failed as a human being. Basically, I failed in life. Therefore, I'm a failure and a loser. Useless and worthless. Just another burden to other people and my existence is not necessary.
There are so much more I want to say. But my body's failing me from the lack of sleep last night. I don't even know how much longer is this going to be. And I just want it to be over right now. I want it to be over as soon as I wake up. But you can't always get what you want.