I hate myself
for being so scared all the time. I don’t want to be scared. Really. It’s
killing me day by day. People needs to know and understand that I can’t be the
same as everyone else. I have this fear of embarrassing myself. I have this
fear of people laughing at me and being embarrassed. I was scarred when I was
young. That’s why. But people don’t know how it feels like. People don’t know
how it feels like to be embarrassed so badly in public. The feeling of getting
whacked in public and no one is helping. This shows how people really is. They
can’t be bothered with other people’s live. They have the ability to help but
they won’t. Cause they are fucking cowards. I am a fucking coward. The past, it’s
still haunting me. I see people staring
at me, no one offered some help. Even the closest person, my brother, refuses
to help. I see other kids looking at me, some laughing. People talking amongst themselves. Everyone
was aware of what’s going on. But still, no one offered any help. I was hit so
badly that my lips were swelling and bleeding. My eyes swelled up because I was
crying so badly. Scratch marks and bruises appearing all over my face. I was
publicly shamed.
Now you know
why I have no courage to do anything? I’m afraid that people will see my
mistakes and laugh at me for being so useless. I cannot do anything good in
public. I can do nothing under pressure. I don’t wish to tell anyone because I’m
still embarrassed by it. People do not realize how badly scarred I am. People
wouldn’t understand the torture every time I go through something. Every time I
try to do something new in front of a public. The fear will come back. What if
I don’t perform properly? I think I have a little bit of OCD where I need to be
better than other people. Or maybe it’s just a normal feeling that everyone
would feel. I mean who wouldn’t want to be better than the others, right?
I don’t think
I’ll be able to do anything as long as this fear resides in me. Which means, I
just have to live a boring life with nothing interesting.
Living with
fear is not fun at all. I really want it gone but it just overwhelms me every
single time. I’m being so repetitive here because it’s bothering me like fuck.
Fuck this shit. I wish I can just overdose on cough syrup right now. I don’t
want to wake up tomorrow and remember the fact that I have a lot to deal with.
I just wish I
could disappear from everyone’s lives right now.
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