I hate myself for being so scared all the time. I don’t want to be scared. Really. It’s killing me day by day. People needs to know and understand that I can’t be the same as everyone else. I have this fear of embarrassing myself. I have this fear of people laughing at me and being embarrassed. I was scarred when I was young. That’s why. But people don’t know how it feels like. People don’t know how it feels like to be embarrassed so badly in public. The feeling of getting whacked in public and no one is helping. This shows how people really is. They can’t be bothered with other people’s live. They have the ability to help but they won’t. Cause they are fucking cowards. I am a fucking coward. The past, it’s still haunting me. I see people staring at me, no one offered some help. Even the closest person, my brother, refuses to help. I see other kids looking at me, some laughing. People talking amongst themselves. Everyone was aware of what’s going on. But still, no one offered any help. I was hit so badly that my lips were swelling and bleeding. My eyes swelled up because I was crying so badly. Scratch marks and bruises appearing all over my face. I was publicly shamed.
Now you know why I have no courage to do anything? I’m afraid that people will see my mistakes and laugh at me for being so useless. I cannot do anything good in public. I can do nothing under pressure. I don’t wish to tell anyone because I’m still embarrassed by it. People do not realize how badly scarred I am. People wouldn’t understand the torture every time I go through something. Every time I try to do something new in front of a public. The fear will come back. What if I don’t perform properly? I think I have a little bit of OCD where I need to be better than other people. Or maybe it’s just a normal feeling that everyone would feel. I mean who wouldn’t want to be better than the others, right?
I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything as long as this fear resides in me. Which means, I just have to live a boring life with nothing interesting.
Living with fear is not fun at all. I really want it gone but it just overwhelms me every single time. I’m being so repetitive here because it’s bothering me like fuck. Fuck this shit. I wish I can just overdose on cough syrup right now. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and remember the fact that I have a lot to deal with.
I just wish I could disappear from everyone’s lives right now.