I'm kinda emotional right now and I don't even know why. Probably just PMS. I still have the urge to quit school and work. I want to dye my hair too. I should be asleep right now cause I have class at 9am. I'm super drowsy from my meds but I really can't sleep. Constantly have the urge to puke and stomach is aching like crazy. And of course, a billion and one things going through my mind right now. 

Firstly, I've done some reflecting and found the root of the cause for me constantly having infatuation for people. I really don't want to sound like an asshole right now, but I have to. It's part of reflecting ya'know. I (sadly) have not gotten over a specific someone. I mean, how could I possibly move on from someone whom I truly love? Someone I spent all my free time with. Someone I spent all my money on. Someone I've sacrificed so much for. Someone I spent my New Year's Day with. Someone I finally truly loved after JJ. Although we only dated for 5 months, lol. I have never thought about someone day and night. I thought about him so much that I dream of him almost everyday. I miss him to a point where I would start crying. I'd spend a lot of money on cab or an extra hour traveling back home just so that I could see him for an extra 10mins (when he alights at pioneer or his bus comes). I looked forward to us meeting all the time cause I could finally see that smile of yours once again and hear that very funnily contagious laughter of yours again. And your hugs, they are the best. I remember that night at Clarke Quay. When you comforted me. But also that night when you just left me. 8 years age gap, your height, they mattered so much to other people (i still don't get why) but none of that really mattered to me. All that mattered was you beside me and me being happy. Really. All I really asked for was for you to love me back. Sadly he doesn't love me back the way I love him. It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. That day I overcome my fear of heights. You made me do something I thought I never could do. You teach me so much. It'd only be right if I said, I did nothing to deserve you, and you deserve someone way better than me cause afterall, I'm just an extremely anxious girl who is pretty much afraid of anything and everything. While you, on the other hand, pretty much dares to try anything and everything. You're so talented and smart. Basically what every girl wants. I don't really care how you look, or how tall are you, or how old are you. You made me fall in love with your personality. I saw the real you, when everyone else couldn't. You're so brave on the outside, but on the inside you have so much going on, too much. But I believe that you're doing so much better now. Much happier and managing your life properly, I hope. And that makes me happy. Cause you're happy. I hope you're smiling everyday. Like I used to tell you; smile more often, I like your smile. 

It was tough; when I decided to let you go and move on with my life. Kept telling myself that there's no point holding on since you're not returning. But I can't stop thinking about you cause of how happy you have made me feel. Constantly trying to destress cause of all the ongoing problems; bankrupcy especially. 

I want to make people happy, I want my mum to happy and less stressed. I want to quit school and support myself so my mum can stop spending so much on me. I'm very high maintainece, I want a lot of things; I know that. That's why I want to earn my own money so I could fufil all that. It's not that study is not important, I know it is. But what's the point of studying when that's not my main focus/goal. I would rather work my ass off right now and earn some cash so I can ease some burdens rather than constantly force my lazy ass to go to school and get a good GPA. I can't even be the President in SC cause I'll be transfering to central next year. There's no point in aiming for anything cause I am limited, not cause I don't want to. 

Even now I'm considering to back out of SC so I don't have to attend pledge training and I have more time to work. I end school earlier on Tuesday and Wednesday now and I can work. The only good news I have so far is that I have a job again. (Out of topic but I really want to dye my hair pink again that's why I wanna quit school too). 

I'm so lost right now. I don't want to spend one whole year in school then suddenly drop out. My time will be wasted. :( Someone help me.

Just really really want to quit school right now. 

I'm left with 3hours of sleep before I head to school. School only ends at 7pm for me cause I have pledge training. It's such a pity, I have good records in the school and I'm going to lose it. 

Just really want to talk to my mum and ask her to reconsider my choice of opting out and work instead. I'd have so much free time. To work, and destress. Just hope everything works out.