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Thursday, November 5, 2015

I don't know what's up with me lately. I'm finally out of school, which I'm enjoying a lot. I get more sleep, I'm happier. 

And on side note I've got a boyfriend. Initially thought we were dating tho. It just don't feel the same anymore. I guess I feel so numb from the prev heartbreak. But no I'm not playing with Z. I'm dead serious about being with him. I've never met someone who loved me and appreciated me so much. He just accepted everything about me. 

But just part of me feels so weird about all this. Like it didn't feel the same as it did with K. I miss talking to him. Like I'm not used to the drastic changes. It's been a month since everything started changing. I miss the late night conversations. I kinda miss him. But I don't want him back. Cause fuck, that fucking hurt like crap. It's just so weird to suddenly think about him and wondering how he's doing and all. I've not cried over him at all. Well, I did slit my wrist and drank my sorrows away. I keep thinking about us in China; how you are always there. 

I know it will never be the same. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe. 

On the bright side, I'm happy now. I've got someone who loves me. That's what I want from the start right? For someone to love me. I'm genuinely happy. Never sad. Really. I don't feel sad. Sadness is not in my dictionary now cause I really don't feel it at all. 

I've been doing fine. Met a lot of new people who have been brightening up my life and making everything fun for me. Learning new things every now and then. 

It's funny how I don't miss school at all. It's like I never did belong there anyway. But I'm planning where I'm gonna go next. And hopefully I'll get a diploma before I turn 21. I just have to find my interest in something. Have to really do some soul searching, get my shit together. For now, I'm just going to work my ass off, earn as much as I can. Make sure I have enough to spend and save for Bali next year. 

I'm still getting used to this lifestyle, honestly. I feel like I should be going to school. But I know it's cause I've been going to school for the past 10 years that's why. My classmates seem to be enjoying theirselves in school everyday which I'm happy because I wish I was that happy in school. Waiting to get my pay in Nov so I can give them all a present. 

I didn't choose the easy way out. I just did what I think it's best for my current situation. I know everyone goes through shit and they are still going to school so on and so forth. But I wanna try something different you know. So in the future I have a different story to tell. Whether it's going to work out or not, it's gonna depend on me. It's the future's secret. I'm not ready to face it. But I have to. You think I'm living the easy life right now? My mum still exist you know. She's not fully supportive of my decision and that's why she's been my life a living hell. I enjoy my day outside and come home and instantly become moody thanks to her. I don't blame her. She's having a hard time herself and she can't do anything about it because she got two extra mouths to feed. She doesn't understand that I'm doing this to help her. And I hope I can prove her wrong soon enough. By the end of next year, I will be able to support my own needs and expenses. 

I don't expect anyone to understand my decision or feel this pain that I feel everyday. All I'm asking for is support. Your support means much more to me. To know that someone believes in me that I will succeed makes me more motivated than someone who understands what I'm going through. You can be understanding but that really doesn't help much. It's also appreciated but supporting me is way more appreciated. 

I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone along the way. I believe I'm old enough to make changes to my life cause I believe that my happiness and wellbeing is more important than anything else. I didn't hurt you intentionally. I'm just doing what I feel it's best for me. And if you're my friend, I believe you would want that for me too. 

I miss talking to Firzanah too. Haish... 

I want things to go back to how it was. But I'm looking forward to what the future has in store for me. 

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