Haven't really been in a good mood recently.
A lot of you would probably know that I put NPCC first in front of most things. Many people won't see it like that.
I was once well known for being an so-called outstanding cadet and popular with the seniors. I had a lot of friends and I was in a good company. I always enjoy my time in NPCC. We are super bonded. No one could break this bond except a relationship and misunderstanding. That's exactly what happened. I was with JJ and they weren't happy. They stopped talking to me and they all disliked me.
They still disliked me. Whatever I do is unappreciated. I had to back out of Cambodia trip because of someone. And because of that, people said I was irresponsible. That reduced my chance of being an OIC.
Sec 3 is one of the worst stages of my life. Really. I wanted to be OIC since Sec 1. I got Sec 2 in charge. I was totally fine with that. On the outside it looked that way. On the inside, I wanted to kill myself damn badly. I worked so damn bloody hard to try get that position. I wanted to make my mum proud. At least I'm good at something. Now I got nothing to be proud of. When I tell people, they just don't understand. They don't understand how can I make my mum proud. Do you know how terrible I feel? Because my mum is never proud of me! I don't even wanna live ya know. I cry every time just because I am not the OIC. How I wish I have been better. Am I really that bad? Can someone tell me? Please it really hurts. Every day I go school acting like I'm fine when I'm really not. I know everyone has their own problem luh. But I don't think I'll ever see someone who has gone through something similar like mine.
At first I thought I could cope with my parents divorce. Once they divorce, everything literally gone haywire. We had to move out. That's why I'm at my grandma's place right now. My dad isn't denying that he has an affair right now. I don't wish to go back to my old home now cause there is another women living there. It might be his mistress, idk. It just hurt to see my mum suffering silently. It sucks even more when you can't do anything and you know you are contributing to it. I really can't do anything about it. My mum feels so guilty that she has to make us suffer by staying at my grandma's house and she doesn't have enough money to give us to enjoy ourself. Who would ever want their parents to say that to them? I could literally hear the sadness in her voice you know. It was that bad. Haishh!
No one would ever know how I feel luh! Haish.. Now my only mindset is to make all the seniors and teacher officers regret putting her as OIC. I'll make them regret. I'll do her job. And I'll do a better job. I'll win over the hearts of the cadets. That's what I'll do. People are gonna think I'm being an extra or whatever. But I won't mind. I will make them regret. I swear.
Haishh! I guess that's all. Have been crying too much these days. Haishh