Stupidity

Hello!

This is really a very impromptu post. Hahah. Was lying down looking through my phone and decided to go to my askfm to check if I recieved any question. The only question (sadly) I had was the question of the day ones (even more pathetic) .

The question was "What made you happy today?" The only answer that came to my mind was "Everything God has done for me" It got me thinking. I just had to write these down. So I thought about blogging. I honestly feel stupid about running away from God. Even though I planned it. It's stupid how I know that I can't run away or hide from God but I still do it cause I'm just that rebellious. 

I feel stupid because I constantly lie to myself that God doesn't exist. I'm tired of living with sins. I'm tired of fighting the Devil inside my head. It's so tough to constantly stay strong. Don't strong people need breaks too? Obstacles just keep coming at me. I don't know how to survive anymore. People at church are trying to help me to get on track again. I know and I appreciate it. But I'm just really sick of all the test God is giving me even though I know its for my own good.

I really thank God for all he has given to me. Even though things are really shitty. You gotta admit it, it's really shitty not living in your own house. You basically have no privacy or freedom especially when you have nothing. It's really very sad when no one offers me a job. I really wanna work to earn my own pocket money so people do not need to constantly support me. I feel like a burden. When can I ever be independent.  I wanna be different but I just don't have the space or correct things to be. It's so hard to chase my dreams like that. I understand that my mother is having a hard time to please me. I don't want that. It makes me feel worse. I want her to know that I wanna be independent. It's time for her to realize that I'm growing up and she has to let go and know that I won't be the same because I'm growing up. Things won't be the same again. Sadly. We all just have to face reality.

Sorry if any of these doesn't make sense. I'm just typing whatever that comes to my mind. Sighs. I wish I had someone close to tell all these too. Sorry if anyone felt offended. It's just that, I'm too used to telling my boyf or brother my problems. My brother is serving NS now. He has his own life to settle and has no time for my problems. Things have changed. I don't have a boyf. I have bestfriends. But their too busy with their lives too. I can't let my problems be their burden too right? I mean my problems are really huge burdens. I just have to once again put up a strong front, face up to reality, and go back to Christ. Trust in God.

To all those falling, don't fall. Let God be the ones catching you. Really. Once you fall, it's gonna be really difficult to get back up. When you fall, you feel like you're paralyzed.  You don't know what to do because no one is there to help you. Even though there is help, you keep rejecting because (1) your ego is too high or (2) you just want to be strong like you always are or (3) you just that rebellious.  For me, I'm 2 & 3. Really. Personal advice, use the help. It may sound really ridiculous and annoying how people keep calling you and asking you to come back and not drift. After some time, you will regret and find yourself super stupid for not using that helping hand. You're gonna realize how hard is it to get back up.

Wow. I really think a lot. I'm feeling really light headed now. Really, I feel as though I'm floating. Took a little too much cough syrup. Sounds so suicidal now, like the song cough syrup. Although I planned the whole MIA from God thing, I think it's time I return to my father in Heaven. Cause that's where I belong.
God, thank you for everything you have done for me. I truly appreciate everything and that includes my mum and brother. I thank you for my mum because she has been strong the entire time and you have been watching over her. Although she doesn't believe in you, I still wanna thank you for her for making her strong enough to be my pillar of strength to lean on. I also thank you for my brother who always encourage me with the words from the bible and for also being my ladder of support. The ladder he provides has helped me to reach some things. And of course I wanna thank you for my brother and sisters in Christ who have been constantly supporting me and encouraging me to come back. Continue to watch over them and bless them Lord. They have been good servants of yours.  God I also wanna apologise for constantly sinning and falling into temptation over and over again. God I really wanna apologise for doubting you and running away from you when I knew it was wrong. God, I just need a break from all your test of faith and all and just relax for awhile.  I just need to lay in your arms again and embrace your love for me again. Thank you Lord for paying the price of our sin on that cross. I love you God. 
Amen.