Lost

Heyy, i know I havent blog in a while. Too much things happening. Haishhh..

But there's only one thing on my mind. Him.

Why do I always fall in love who are socially famous? They are wanted by people. I never thought I would fall in love with him. I refuse to name him. Don't bother asking. I won't give a single clue. This hurts a lot. Too much. I can barely survive. He doesn't know I am sad because of him. I'm trying to forget. Cause it's never possible. He likes another girl. And I understand why. She's got everything that I have to leave without. (Taylor Swift song,but literally ). I wish I didn't exist. I wish I was her. I wish I didn't fall in love. I'm just very lost and confuse now. Haishh

I cannot emphasize how much it hurts. I only can relate to songs and just keep repeating that it hurts. I only can say whatever I feel now. I feel hurt, lost, confused. I never hit so hard in love. The more we talk, the deeper I fall for him. I hope he doesn't read all this. I can see he love her dearly. I don't wanna break them up. I don't wanna be a slut.

I (literally ) cried till there's nothing. Now I just feel like crying but I know I can't. I feel emotionless. I don't know what to feel any further. I've been living in rejection all my life. I don't want to. I want to be wanted. I wanna feel love. God doesn't seem to answer my prayer even though I trust him. God seem to be testing my patience (literally ) . I hope God just bring me to heaven now. I don't want to suffer any further. I wanna be by his side, feeling his embrace. Just lie down in his hands. Thinking of it makes me happy. I really wanna be next to God now. It's way too painful now. Haishhhh. God, why? I'm lost. I seek you Lord. It's scary being in this darkness. I'm really too tired to find you. Like literally. I want you to just come. I see the light, but I really have no strength to reach out for it. God,  take me to you. I don't wanna be here. It's scary God.

God, I'm hurting so badly. I don't want any earthly things. I want you. God forgive me. I really can't control my feelings. I'm so weak right now. I really really need you. I need strength. I need your light. I need your love. I need your embrace. I need your comfort. I just need you. I don't know what to do any further. I just wanna die right now you know ):

Help...

I can't.