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Wednesday, December 25, 2013


Everything was going so fine. Really. I was happy. And super high. Why does this happen everytime? I really need to talk to someone. But I don't wanna ruin anyone's night trying to talk sense into me. ):

It all hurts so fucking badly. I really don't wanna speak vulgarities. But its eating all of me if I don't. Why? I keep asking why. There's so many "whys" in my life. I don't seem to get answers. Why did I fall for him? Why am I emoing? Why is this happening? Why don't I have faith? Why does everyone hates me? Why am I not pretty? Why can't I be her?  Why can't I be happy? Why does sadness exist? Why can't things just be good? These are the question I ask myself. Does anyone has an answer?

God doesn't seem to answer. I'm constantly reminding myself to press on. But.... I'm spiritually weak. I can barely stand alrdy (not physically, dont be a retard) I need help. I started cutting again. It felt so good. I'm not gonna hide. This is the space for me to open up. Let me. If you're gonna call me attention seeking then just fuck off. I got no one to rant on. This is the only place I can explode at before I really have a mental breakdown.

People don't understand why I cut. I don't either. I just do it. It hurts pretty badly. But it feels damn good. Seeing the blood, its like seeing the hurt leave your body. Those scars, reminds me that the problems aren't solve. It also shows people how broken I am. I like it. Call me attention seeking. I deserve the attention. Others can have it, why can't I? Yes, I'm jealous. Of course I am jealous. I'm human. I have emotions. Why can't I feel jealous?  I have never gotten the attention I want since young. I deserve some. I just feel so left out. I'm so tired of living. I'm literally too tired to cry. It's just too painful for me to bear.

I wrote "hope" backwards/inverted on my hand. It has a meaning. people are gonna see the inverted version. All I see is hope (literally ). It's to remind myself how painful it may be. I have hope and I should never lose hope on myself. Haishh..

I'm glad that at least I still can think straight at times. I'm just worried about how long more before I really breakdown. Life is too tough. But life goes on. Constantly have to remind myself. Haishh...

I'm just pretty much sick and tired of living in a lie. Telling people I'm fine. Convince myself that I'm fine and I can make it. Putting on a smile when I really wanna cry.

Wish I overdosed now.

I wanna be with God. By his side, enjoying his embrace, feel his love, pure joy. It really sounds damn good. Haishhhh

But still, life.... goes on.

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