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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Unbearable pain

I don't know how to start this post. 

I look happy. And I hate it. I hate how I smile about everything and making everything look like it's fine when it's not. It's good to smile, I agree. But then, it's really not good to push everything away and bottle up every single emotion. 

It's been very rough for the past one week. Finding out more than I'm supposed to. Asking myself loads of question. Questions that no one except God could answer. But God doesn't answer my prayers. I know he's listening. I just want an answer, that's all. It's tough to continue trusting him when he doesn't answer my prayer. But in the end, I will still choose to trust in him. 

But these question constantly appear in my head. 

Why can't I have a proper family? 
Why can't everything be normal? 
Why can't we love? 
Is it that hard to love? 

I'm tired. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I don't know how long more can I bear this pain before I collaspe. It won't be long before it happens. 

I'm just jealous, honestly speaking. 
Why the fuck can't I have a proper family? Why the fuck can't I have father's love? It's just not fair. Not at all. This world is fucking screwed you know. That fucking women is just 10years older than me. How can I not feel disgusted? :/ 

Fuck my life. I really wanna commit suicide so badly now. But I know I can't. I'm trying my best to stay strong for my mum. She doesn't know. 


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