I really cant sleep so I'm blogging right now. I really hope my mum doesn't wake up or else I have to say bye bye to my phone. Hahah.. so yeah. Sorry if some words don't make sense. I'm super worn out by my meds. But I really can't sleep.
I have always been very interested in fashion. Ever since I started dressing up and all. I would rather spend money on clothes than on food. That's how crazy I am. I envy girls with nice body (like Naomi Neo) ...I used to hate myself for being fat. Like really. I wish I was skinny and had nice body. I have this dark secret I would like to share. I'm really embarrassed by it. But I can't really do anything about it. I don't know if I'm making the right choice here. But I hope people accept me for who I am. I didn't choose to be like that. I (still,sometimes) hate myself every now and then whenever I think about these ugly things.
I'm born with naturally dark underarms. I have serious discolouration problems. It looks as though I don't bathe properly. Its just disgusting. If you don't realize, I don't wear sleeveless clothes as much as I can. I first started being so insecure when I was P6. When my friend openly asked me in front of everyone. Can you imagine how embarrassed I was? Acanthosis Nigricans is the proper medical term for this. But I haven't consulted a doctor. I'm too afriad to. I cried over this matter many times. I keep asking God why. That's not the only problem. I have abrasion scars on my inner thighs. The friction from the abrasion caused discolouration to my inner thighs. And it's damn ugly cause I can't wear shorts. My fat thighs are ugly and disgusting too.
As much as I want people to accept me for this, I must accept this flaw myself.
I've done my research on how to cure. Most of it doesn't work on me. This really sucks. I'm at the stage where I really want to surgically have the outer skin removed. Or just bleach myself like Michael Jackson. I'm serious. I'm on the verge of breaking into tears now. I wish the society wasn't so screwed, judgemental or had standards. Although I want to be different. I'm just so afraid too. I enjoy being different. But people just keep throwing criticism at me. Don't they know I've got feelings too. Being different doesn't mean I have no feelings right?
I wish I could start a movement whereby everyone is proud of their flaws. Everyone is just happy with the way they are. I want everyone to know that God made us this way and he is happy. If he can accept us, isn't it stupid if we don't accept our own body. We must constantly remind ourselves that we are perfect in God's eye. That's all that matters.
I must learn to accept my flaws. Although I will continue to try to heal myself. I will slowly accept myself. I will.