Thoughts

Been feelin' super emotional recently. It's back to that pain where you just want something so badly and you're just so insecure. 

This sucks so badly. 

The feeling where you miss someone so badly but you really can't do shit. The feeling where you just wanna tell someone how much you love that person but you're afraid of rejection. It's just so hard to live with all these fears in my head. 

I'm constantly living in fear and pretense. 

Goshhh. It's just one of those nights where I don't wanna do anything. I don't want to eat, talk, study or whatever. I don't even want to sleep now. When I'm awake, I think of you. When I'm sleeping, I dream of you. How much of a coincidence can it be? :( Maybe I'm just overthinking. I don't know. 

I just wish I can be happy. Like really really happy. This sadness is killing me. I really don't like being sad. The worse part about all this? I have to smile and be strong. Cause I don't wanna talk about it to people. The only person I want to talk to is him. Like really. It's been 4 days since I talked to him. 4 painful days. Everyday, just hoping that I'll get a simple hi from you. That's all I want you know. 

I really don't give a shit about what people have to say. Yes, I still get affected and obviously I'll get affected because I'm a normal human. Unlike some beasts out there who are just heartless sons of bitches. Whatever they wanna say, just go ahead. Freedom of speech. 

It's 4am now. I've Chemistry paper in the morning. I'm not even close to being sleepy. All I wanna do now, is just cry and think of you. That's the only thing I can do. Flunked my History & Math paper so badly. Not to mention Physics too. Preparing to flunk my Chemistry. Worse part is I studied so fucking hard for my History paper, hoping that I would get a B3. I fucking studied till 4am ytd just to study for my History. Fuck my life. 

I'm screwed for N levels. With all these distractions and shit. 

I'll probably just comfort myself to sleep. Told myself that I cannot cry today no matter what cause it's my mum's birthday. It was so hard for me to wish my mum happy birthday. I was on the verge of crying and it was midnight. I hugged her and wished her happy birthday. I started tearing and had to run away to make sure she doesn't know how I feel. This sucks. :/ 

I just want to be happy. Why is it so hard? :/