Thinking too much kills

This is probably not the first time I've talked about this. I just want a space to blurt everything out so if you're too lazy to read this shit please just move on.

Anyways, I've been up most of the nights these few days. Most of the time I'm just thinking of stuff. I honestly think the depression is back but whatever.

I've been feeling so anxious of my body recently. Like really. My tummy fats are still fat as ever despite all the exercising. Not to forget my underarms which are showing improvement but still not a pleasent sight. I also hate my height man. I really wanna grow taller cause I'm still 158cm when I really wanna be 160-165cm. Another thing that I really wanna change is my boobs. I didn't have this problem in the past but it's starting to get to me and i don't even know why. My boobs actually got smaller cause of the exercise and it's totally understandable cause boobs are fats. I mean who doesn't want boobs right? I really envy girls who are tall and slim but still have like C cup boobs. Fuckkkkkkkk

Because of that, I never actually feel comfortable wearing anything. I stopped wearing shorts as often cause I think my thighs are fucking huge. If there was an apocalypse, I'll probably be able to feed those zombies for a month with just my thighs. There was this once where I had to go to Orchard to get some stuff. I literally went there for 5minutes and then left cause I was getting too much stares from people. Or maybe I was just overthinking. I don't know. Wherever I go, people stare at me, I hate it. Like why are they staring? Am I that fat and ugly? Does my clothes not match? Is my makeup too thick? Am I doing something wrong? Is there a bug on my hair that I'm not aware of? Like why just tell me and don't stare. I would totally let you stare if I'm pretty and a perfect figure but that's not the case here.

Next thing that obviously bugged me was my studies. One month of holiday just passed and I did absoutely nothing. Like seriously. Not the best thing to do when N levels start in a few weeks. I'm probably gonna retain. Worse case scenario, I move to USA to marry Justin. Nahhh, just kidding. Our LDR probably won't work but whatever, I'm still gonna give it a shot. Putting my 90% in this relationship because 10% is just in case of any heartbreak I won't feel so heartbroken.

Next thing is people are calling me stupid for having this relationship. Yeah I know it sounds dumb to date a guy that I've never met in real life. But that doesn't mean you get to say that I'm decieving myself with temporial joy. Dude, I know you're concern but that it's my fucking life. I'm probably gonna get hurt but do I really look like I fucking care? I literally have nothing, what do I have to lose, nothing. I'm probably the most useless piece of junk that shouldn't even exist.

It's hard to find hope and have faith in stuff when you're just this afraid of everything. Fear is overpowering my life and I hate that. I want it out but really, it's always there no matter how much I want it out. My life sucks so bad that I rather give Michael Jackson my life cause he is so much more awesome than me.

I'm lost.
I'm tired.
I'm so done.

All I really want now, is a really really long break to sober up from this mess. Fucking shit. Don't even know why am I still up at 3:41am. FUCKKKKK.