I was just scrolling through my Facebook feed when I came across this article that talks about this lady who lost her faith despite being a hardcore believer.
Before I actually write anything, I just want to want to put a disclaimer, I blog about what I really feel, what I'm going through and my thoughts, so if you have a problem about that, kindly stop reading. I don't mind listening/reading your opinions, but if it's going to be rude/bashful/unnecessary, I would appreciate if you just shut the hell up.
I grew up having two different religion, Buddhist and Hindu, and that's obviously because I'm a chindian. I was introduced to church when I was pretty young and I don't remember when was that. So you could say that I juggled with three different religion and I don't know anything about God. No one ever shared the gospel with me and I have never actually said an acceptance prayer (until I asked for one a few years back). When I was younger, I don't actually attend church for God, it was more for friends and to escape home. If you know me well enough, you know about my abuse experience at home, I wanted to escape from reality. I was an attention seeker in church (And I still am one) and I know that a lot people don't actually like that. I enjoyed hitting guys and had like tons of crushes, yes I am ashamed of that. But that was the past.
As I grow older, I started paying attention during service and reading the bible. I understood God's word. But when people grow older, they see the world much clearer. Everything just contradicts one another. For an example, correct me if I'm wrong, God says love another but condemns homosexuality? God gives us freewill, but expects us to follow him. Isn't that weird. In the article, there was a part that mentioned that the author felt like God doesn't exist, and that's how I feel 95% of the time, even though sometimes I try to convince myself that God exist. The author said something like why God let bad thing happen to people when God is supposed to protect his children. Which I truly agreed. I know some people is gonna say stuff like; It's a test of faith, he wants you to be stronger, a test from God will be a testimonial or he has plans for you, but honestly, that's truly dumb. You don't need to prove that God is real through the bad things that happen to a person. Since we have freewill, if we believe that God is real, then God is real. We don't need to prove anything as long as we believe in it.
Every time I pray, I feel like I'm just talking to the air, which I'm pretty sure that some people feels this way. But it got to a point that I don't bother praying anymore cause I put my trust in God that he will protect me or he will help me through this period of time, he fails me. "There's a time for everything. If God doesn't answer your prayer, then he wants you to wait for the right time." This is utter bullshit. So what, you want to wait for a person to commit suicide because they had enough of all their problems then even after committing suicide, they sinned because they committed suicide? Dumb eh? I do agree that there's a time for everything, but not till a point where everything just goes unanswered. I prayed for a lot of things, even when my faith is as tiny as a mustard seed, but nothing happens. It is stated in the bible, that even if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. My faith is slightly larger than a mustard seed and I can't even be happy for a day, what the actual fuck.
Another thing is the people in the church. I'm not gonna name people. One is supposed to feel welcomed, loved and accepted in Church. But when I go to church, all I feel is rejection and I don't belong there. Maybe I'm in the wrong church, I don't know. There are too many attention seekers who are way worse than me. I admit, I love being an attention seeker because I don't get attention from my family members and sometimes friends, so I have to be different to get it. In church, I hear gossips, I hear people hating on each other and apparently there's a popularity table too. Just because you're prettier/handsome/has better music taste doesn't mean you have to outcast the rest. I hate how people have "The Ideal Christian" persona in their mindset and wants every one to be like that. Not everyone is as blessed or committed as that person. We have our own struggles and our struggles cause our faith to be extremely unstable.
Honestly, when I go to church, I feel like everyone has something against me. I feel like I'm not accepted there and I don't belong there. I feel like no one trusts me and I'm just an extra. I would say it's social anxiety, but then I realize I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes, I really want to leave church, but people from church pressurized me to attend church and when I don't attend church, my phone rings of the hook. Maybe it's time for me to leave church, I don't know.
I'm still in the midst of making my mind. But for now, I have duties in church and I can't leave just yet. I want to at least complete serving God (if he even exist). Even if he doesn't exist, I'll still do it.
That's all for now. My brain is going into hibernation mode. Goodnight.