Midnight thoughts

I don't even know why am I awake? 

I hate nights like this. Nights where I just can't sleep and a million and one things are in my mind. 99% of which are just negative stupid thoughts. 

I don't know how I should feel about most things now. I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. 

"i wish that i could wake up with amnesia" 

I wish so too. I really wish to literally start anew. New life, new beginning. New everything. I can throw away all the troubles and worries and just be happy. 

I'm sick and tired of being jealous of my friends.

I'm sick and tired of being alone all the time.

I'm sick and tired of crying on sleepless nights, asking myself what's wrong. 

I'm sick and tired of trying to find answers to all my questions and solutions to my problems. Even when I know it's impossible to solve them.

I'm sick and tired of trying to please people even when I know I don't live to please anyone. But face it, that's the only way to survive in a stucked up generation like this. 

I'm sick and tired of being so insecure of myself 99% of the time. I want that confidence I used to have.

I'm sick and tired of being scared all the time. Even the smallest things. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling useless. 

I'm sick and tired of studying. 

I'm sick and tired of everything.

I'm sick and tired of living. 

I wish there's a pause button for life. It's tiring to live like that. I'm exhausted. 

I really want to give up. It's so tempting to cut again. Even when I do, people don't get why. People say I'm attention seeking. It's like I can't do anything at all to relieve stress temporarily. At this rate, I'm just going to explode one day.

I barely have anyone to talk to. When I say this, I don't mean just anyone. I mean someone who will always be there to listen to me, be there for me be it good or bad, someone that'll actually love me despite knowing that I'm just a monster, someone I can really trust and rely on. Just one person will do. 

God, what have I've done to actually deserve to go through shit like this. I literally feel shitty everyday, waking up and knowing that I've to go through the same fucking shit every single fucking day. 

My heart aches so terribly. It's just so broken right now. 

Enough.