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Monday, December 1, 2014

3AM Thoughts

Tonight is probably one of those fucked up nights. I haven't been blogging since N levels started, that's because of work too. So much has happened and I don't even know where to start.

I don't know why, but I just feel so broken all of a sudden. I'm supposed to be happy that I found someone new and all but then there's just this splinter in my heart and I can't seem to remove it. I don't even know what's going on. You know like one of those nights where you just feel like crap all of a sudden but you really don't know why. It's just so frustrating. I really want to sleep but I just need to pen down my thoughts before I head to bed.

I've had a really bad weekend and it's like the 1st of December already. It sucks to start a new month like that. Really. You know the feeling of just being too tired, and people who just try to get involve in every shit to feel better about themselves try to get involve in your shit. And people who just don't know their limits, yeah, that's the type of people I'm facing.

I have this urge of binge drinking right now. It's bad. Cause I replace it through smoking. I usually smoke 3 sticks a day. It increased to minimum 7 sticks a day. Yes, it's that bad. I know what I'm doing cause if I don't, I won't admit that it's bad. Sometimes, I wish like I have a really bad asthma attack so that I would stop smoking and really take care of myself.

Work has just gotten from like awesome to shit ah. Like I'm trying my best to keep up with standards, but then my managers don't seem to like me. It's not like we talk and don't serve customers what. Plus I'm new to the working environment. How the fuck do I know what to do. People always said, if you don't know anything, ask. But now, it feels like whenever I ask question, I'm just being lazy and not trying my best. I haven't had like a proper sleep for months (probably years) now cause of the past. I can't focus during work cause I'm too darn tired. Like, I can give up on the spot but I choose not to cause I know that I chose the job and I have to do it whole-heartedly. Sometimes, people don't seem to understand that. It's normal for people to complain that they are tired and all but then do they take the time to really understand their employees?

Enough about work man. I'm just on the verge of giving up on the people around me. I choose not to let go. And that might either be the best decision I made in life or my grave mistake to actually give a shit. I'm aware of all the consequences to my choice. I do think about it. All the time.

And about the other thing on my chest. I told her in advance that I might need her to take over me. I told her in advance and she said she will do it. Is it wrong for me to enjoy a little bit? I was literally looking forward to my off days so I can sleep in and rest before I work again on Wednesday. Plus I was having a very bad day and I really wanted time out. I choose to smile at work today because I know holding on to that silly incident wouldn't make anything any better. It's like you don't even understand a single crap but you act like you know everything and try to make everything better. I know you just want the best for everyone, but remember this, you can't control most of the things. You haven't even started working. You don't understand the stress and the weariness of working. You'd probably understand the feeling of having a really shitty day and you just want time out but you can't. It's okay that you trying to help and you didn't know I was having a shitty day. But you really didn't have to say that just because she took over me the day I was having a hangover even though she was tired and all. I told her in advance that I would most likely need her to take over and she agreed. She WANTED TO WORK TOO OKAY. I didn't force her to work, I told her that if she really don't want to work, I can still go to work. Sometimes, it's better to shut your mouth and not say things that you don't know much about. The truth hurts, accept it. I don't want to sugar coat things anymore. I'd rather go straight to the point. Cause sugar coated or not, the truth will still hurt no matter what.

I really hope things get better. HOPE. That's probably the only thing that keeps me going.

I just don't know. I feel like some burdens have been off my chest. I should probably head to bed cause I have to work tmrw. Just really looking forward to Thursday where I can just relax and spend time with him.

Fuck man seriously. Not feeling that well now. I don't know if I can take this tiredness anymore. I really hope I collapse at work tmrw so people start understanding shit.

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