Mixed Feelings

Super stressed about everything. Really. I don't even know what's going on with my life anymore.

Firstly, I got a job. Party Assistant, basically just making candy floss and popcorns to feed children. I'm starting to hate children a lot. Like why do they have to be so rebellious. I don't remember being so rebellious during my childhood. Like, the worse things I've done to people is to call them stupid and buy sweets with my pocket money and lie that I lost my money. Children these days just deserve a smack across their tiny face. But once again, violence is never the answer. Only worked for two days so far, pretty much enjoying it although it's kinda tiring (obviously) and it pays well. I mean $8/hr is not bad for 16year olds. For me at least.

Secondly, N levels is exactly 13 fucking days away. Fuck. I'm so screwed. I'm studying way too hard for my SS paper. I should be starting on Maths, History, Physics and Chem soon. I'm just so stressed because I'm so sleep deprived and tired all the time. Like every time I say that I'm tired, everyone be like "When are you not tired?" I would just laugh it off, but honestly, it sucks to have people saying that to me. It's not like I'm lying about being tired or sleepy. I'm genuinely sleepy and worn out. I can't get enough sleep, I can't rest well. I'm not even growing properly anymore. My whole body is just so screwed. I'm just afraid that I'll get very disappointing marks for my N levels. Really. I just want marks that actually brings me to places that I can do well. I don't even know how to sleep properly and get enough rest and study anymore.

So many things bothering me recently. Had a heart to heart talk with Princeton last night. Yes, out of all people, Princeton. It's really heart-warming to know that someone is actually listening to your problems and giving you advice and is actually willing to talk to you. It's so rare these days. Now the world is just filled with gossip girls/boys and just people with no good intention. I told him about the things that I never actually told people about. Things that people never actually knew about me, and will never know, because no one ever fucking listens or even believes me.

I tell people I'm shy. First reaction "Don't lie" "Bullshit" "Yeah okay".
I'm scared "Why?" "I thought you very daring?" "Scared for what"

Even when I explain, they just turn away and laugh. It's not even funny. Social anxiety is not funny at all. It's a feeling which sucks so badly because you just want to be like others and enjoy yourself but you just fucking can't because your fucking brain just keeps telling you crap that you don't really want to know but get bothered by it anyways.

I can barely stand in MRT alone for more than 10mins now because I feel like I'm being watched, I feel unsafe, I feel insecure. I just don't want to be there. I want to wear a bag over my head every day because I feel like I'm an embarrassment to people I know and I'm fucking ugly. I don't want to go on, because I really don't want to cry.

I just feel so fucking insecured. Will I be alone for the rest of my life? No friends, no one to talk to, just some lonely fucker on the internet, writing about my life on the fucking internet when school tells us that it's not safe? Friends are really important to me. I would choose them over family. But they don't do the same. I know it's stupid to do that. But honestly speaking, do I really want to be with my brother and mother who can't understand me, judge and condemns me for everything I do, scolds me for things that are not even my fault or problem? Thinking about it, I would rather be alone. Because I have no fucking friends that I can rely on. Don't mean to hurt anyone tho. I know I might have offended some people here. But really.

I just want friends who will really stick with me for the rest of my life. Do everything together, be mushy and do all that girly crap together. But I can't. Even with my current group of friends, I still feel so left out. It's like, their better off without me. Their way better than me. And I mean it.

I know I'm contradicting myself here because I write that I don't want to be alone but I prefer being alone. Let me clear that up. I only write that I prefer being alone because I currently have no experience of being with someone who actually sticks with me for the rest of my life. So I don't know how that feels like so obviously I would choose something that I'm familiar with which is being alone, right?

There's this one person whom I wanna talk about. I've know her since the start of secondary school. I don't wish to mention any names. Yes, our friendship been through hell. But we were okay afterwards. I just don't know what have I done, that she went with another girl and now their bffs. It really sucks to have that feeling you know. Seeing those photos and videos of them together. Why can't I have something like that too? Their always hanging out, having fun. For me, my friends have strict parents and curfew. I can't even go out with them. It's all just over the phone chats. It really sucks you know. Sometimes I wish that I don't have to call anyone my bestfriend, just friends will do. Close friends probably, just not best friends. The term 'Best Friend' has been overused and misused. I can't have too many best friends. If I miss out someone's name then that person will feel sad and all that crap. I don't want that crap. I rather have everyone to be just friends. Everyone in the same level, no one with a higher status. I sound so communist right now, but that's not the main point. When I saw the video of the two of them together, it just breaks my heart. I thought that I have accepted the fact that she has moved on with some other person. FUCK. I really hate this.

Because of that, I keep asking myself. What have I done wrong? Am I such a bad person that people actually don't want to be friends with me? I really don't know but I really want to know honestly. It's such a frustrating thing to go through every single fucking day. I have enough things to worry about but the fucking problem keeps building up. I really want to go back to being an alcoholic and just drown my sorrows with every bottle. Attention seeking right? Well, fuck you then if you're judging me. I don't do it cause I know it's not right. No, I don't do it now because I know it's not the right time and I still have to fucking study, that's why I don't do it.

I just really want to cry everything out, but thinking about it, is it worth the tears? To cry over people who might not care about me anymore. To cry over people who won't shed a tear for you. To cry over people who won't cross a fucking puddle for you? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't even know what to say or do anymore. I just want to be drunk for the rest of my life so I don't have to remember that I actually lead a painful and pathetic loser life. It'd be better if I just die now. Then I won't have to live anymore.

Fuck.

Why am I even crying right now?
I just feel so lost. Lonely. I just want someone that I can talk to. A shoulder to lean on. Just someone. Anyone will do. Just listen to me and comfort me. That's all I need.

The biggest question that I'm asking myself now is. " Why do I feel so lonely even when I have friends?"

Why?

I just don't feel like writing anymore. I just want to cry myself to sleep right now. At least, I'll get tired of thinking too much and fall asleep.

Just hope I'll be alright by the morning.