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Thursday, January 8, 2015

Thoughts and Doubts

It’s just one of those nights where I’m super worn out but there’s a thousand and one things on my mind that needs to be said. Things have really been going really nice and all. I’ve only been saying all the good stuff about me and him, but there’s much more to it. There’s a lot of things to it. I agree that there are way more positive things about us. But that small little negative portion is just so distracting and it just built up to a point where I just explode about it. I am happy with him, I really am.
It’s just that I feel he is too good for me. He is way too good for me in fact. How can someone so intelligent and mature fall for someone like me? Something is incredibly wrong. This is just my personal opinion tho. No point convincing me that I’m smart or mature or anything. I know myself better after all. We have very different personalities but very similar interests. I really really like him. He means the world to me. He brings out the best in me. He teaches me a lot. He is the reason why I want to change into a better person. He opened my eyes, not literally. He made me saw what huge mess I was in, that’s why I needed to change. I know people say stuff like don’t be with someone who constantly wants to change you. I used to say that. But I’m going to disagree with that and rephrase. Be with someone that changes you for the better, not someone who wants you to change to fit his preferences. I’m truly and eternally grateful that he gave me this turning point.
But it’s really hard to change old habits that have been building up for the past 6 years. Like laziness for example. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame myself for being so lazy. I have reasons why I’m lazy. I’ve always been stuck at home in the past cause my mum didn’t allow me to go out with my friends (When I actually had friends who would go out with me). I’m always at home and what do I do? Sit around, play computer games, sleep for a long period of time, cause even if I wake up early, I’ll have nothing to do so I might as well just sleep in all the way. Unfortunately, this bad habit has built up since.
I’m really insecure and concerned about what I’ll look like to people in public because of the comments I’ve received from people, even the ones closest to me. I was never insecure in the past, remember that. I used to wonder why people are insecure about themselves because I don’t find any reason to be insecure. I wish I’m still like that. As I grow older, I get more insecurities. I want to fit in with society yet I want to be different. If I want to be different, I have to be confident about what I’m doing. But I’m not confident, not anymore.
If you think I’m giving excuses for being like that, you deserve a big tight bitch slap across your face.  I’m not trying to imply that what I’m doing is right either. I just want to change for the better, but I really don’t know where to start because there’s a lot to change. My laziness got to go, my lifestyle has to be healthier, I have to be more confident. And I really have to stop contradicting myself.
For stop being lazy and be more healthier, I know what to do, find new interests, join clubs, keep myself occupied with things I love to do then I will be occupied with stuff and I won’t have the time to laze around. And if I tire myself out during the day, I’ll be able to fall asleep at night easier. Sounds like a good plan huh? Sounds good to me. Just that I wish I am financially stable right now so I can do more stuff like TRAVELING AROUND SINGAPORE BECAUSE TRANSPORTATION HERE IS JUST SO OVERPRICED. LIKE WTF IT COSTS ME $1.80 TO TRAVEL TO WORK. AND IT’S JUST A SINGLE TRIP. IMAGINE THE TRIP BACK HOME AND TRAVELING TO WORK 5 TIMES A DAY (in the past, lucky I’m only going to work twice a week now).
But honestly, for my confidence, I really don’t know what to do about it. I’m starting to tear up. Thinking about my anxiety. It’s not even medically proven that I have anxiety so I can’t say that to people. But really, I can’t go out in peace. It scares me to go out alone. Cause I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. It feels like I’m just out of place. On bad days, it feels like everyone is just hating on me. There are many people who hate on me for no reason too, therefore I have that thought a lot. Another example, if I’m meeting someone and I arrive earlier, I’ll keep rushing that person cause I just can’t stand waiting alone cause I feel like there’s people looking at me. Sometimes I catch people looking at me, sometimes I’m just overthinking.  I don’t even know what to do anymore. Usually I just drown in my music and just don’t give a fuck about my surroundings. But now, even when I’m listening to my music, my brain cannot stop telling me to look up and see if anyone is looking.
 Another thing that I don’t know how to change is to stop contradicting myself. Sometimes I don’t even know I contradict myself until someone tells me. I’m really telling the truth. But there are just some stuff that always contradicts itself. Like how I say I’m really sleepy but I can’t sleep. And how I can fall asleep on the sofa but not on my bed. (You don’t expect me to sleep on my sofa the entire night right?) But the thing is, I don’t want to contradict myself.
Fuck my life, emo music playing right now and all I can think about is you. In fact the entire time I’m writing this post, you’ve been on my mind. Just that this song really made me stop and just think. When I’m writing this post, it’s just merely flashbacks of stuff that happen and it’ll pass. But I literally stopped for a moment and just thought of you smiling to me.
Something’s wrong. Usually if I think of you, I smile. But I’m literally on the verge of tearing up again. What’s happening? It’s scaring me so bad. Why does it hurt? Maybe cause I just had a bad night I guess. Silliest thing just happened. I just pictured myself joining a shooting club, and I was shooting animals and acting all psychopath-ish. I’m creeping myself out.
Back to main point, I really don’t know what to do ah. Okay maybe not don’t know what to do. Just really don’t where to start cause everything that need to be changed has quite severe consequences. If I don’t stop being lazy, I’m going to start missing school in ITE and I’ll have to repeat. If I don’t start being healthier, I’m going to regret not working out when my metabolism is at a high rate. If I don’t stop being so insecure, I might go crazy soon. If I don’t stop being so contradicting, I’m going to lose all my friends, and him, cause everyone is going to think I’m lying. It’s all equally severe.
Any kind soul willing to help me change? Or at least give me some advice. Please, please email me. I’ll be eternally grateful, but don’t give me stupid advice ah. I guess that’s about it. The only thing left on my mind is flashbacks of the times of I had with him. There’s a picture of him turning and smiling at me in my head right now. I have mixed feelings about it though. One part of me is smiling but the other part is just breaking down cause I feel like I’m really not compatible with him at all. It feels like he is way too good for me (Yes, I think I repeated myself). It really feels like I don’t deserve him at all cause he is like 8 levels higher than me. (8 cause that’s our age gap, so technically it’s not “like”, he’s really 8 levels higher than me) . But anyways, I just hope this feeling goes away soon because I don’t like it. I don’t like doubting him cause I know he don’t feel that way. Or at least he don’t show me that he feels that way. Alright, that’s really all for tonight. This have been a very lengthy post, but at least I expressed how I felt.  

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