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Thursday, April 9, 2015

Day 3.

I swear I was alright the entire day. Yeah I did miss you and talk about you here and there. But not to a point where I really wanted to be alone and start crying. 

Yesterday was just horrible. I distracted myself as hard as possible. Making myself laugh at every possible thing. Just trying to not think about you. It all got to a point where stupid Mary decided to be a fucked up bitch and scold me for no logical reason. I got so pissed off. And when I'm pissed off I'm usually quiet. And when I'm quiet, I start thinking. Thinking about you. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tearing in class. I'm just thankful that no one saw me. I just miss you so fucking bad. How could it be that you left and you're never coming back. You're not dead yet. 

I still remember that night as clear as though it just happened yesterday. There's so many things I wished I could tell you but even if I did, you wouldn't change your mind. I'm really sorry for being so annoying and clingy. I was just so afraid to lose you. And in the end, I lost you cause I was too clingy. I didn't do it on purpose. You asked if there was anything I wanted back like my money or anything. The very first thing that came to my mind was happiness. You didn't exactly take my happiness away. You ARE my happiness. I could be having a really bad day and when I see you everything else seems to fade away. I feel as though I'm on cloud 9 whenever I'm with you. You just hold this very special place in my heart. I've never missed someone so terribly ever. Not even my dead grandpa. How is it possible that a guy I just met and have spent my last 5 months with together could make me so happy? You light up a smile on my face instantaneously. You don't even have to do anything. Just being with you, makes me feel so relaxed and happy. You're my escape from reality. 

I just really hope there isn't a third party or anything. Really. Cause if there is, you'd be lying. And that I won't forgive. 

I just want you back so badly. Just one more chance. Is that so hard? Why are you afraid? Don't you think I'm afraid too? 

The biggest mistake I ever made was to put my 100% in. I gave you my 100%, you didn't want it anymore and so you threw it away. And now I'm left with nothing to rebuild myself. Do you think it's fair for me? But after all it was my choice. 

I need you. 

The thought of you leaving Timberland just kills me so badly. That means I wouldn't get to see you at all ever again. 

Worse part of all this? I really don't want to move on even though I know I have to.   I know that's best for me. But I really just want to stay a little longer. Let me stay in my own fantasy. The truth is too painful. Living is painful. 

I really wonder if you still think about me? I wonder if you really had feelings for me. I wonder if you have other reasons for leaving. 

I just don't want to live. Stupid right? Just for a guy? Okay imagine this.

Someone you really love (like your mum or dad or whoever), you love this person a lot and you'll do anything to see them or spend time with them. Sacrifice anything for them. But then this person passed on all of a sudden, and all of a sudden, you feel so empty. You know you have to move on cause it's impossible for the dead to come back to life (unless you're using black magic or it's a zombie apocalypse, but that's a different thing). You know it'll be better if you move on but you just can't let the person go and you just can't stop thinking about the person. 

Yeahh, this is how I feel right now. Just that he's not dead yet. 

I'm literally too afraid to go to sleep cause I'll dream of you and I'll wake up crying tmrw. I don't want that. I really don't. 

I just want to be happy. 

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