It's time.

It's time I finally update this space. It's time I finally decide to talk about him again, probably the last time you'll ever hear me talk about him. It's time I should probably move on. 

I admit, I've been trying to avoid this topic as much as I could. I wrote a few times but I couldn't continue without crying. Yes I still do feel like crying. But what's the point of it anymore? I'm just crying cause I can't bring my pathetic ass to move on and cause he doesn't love me anymore. I just couldn't accept the fact. I have to be honest. I still can't fully accept it. But once again, what's the point. 

Looking at the number of girls you've recently met and went out with (and yes I shouldn't be spending all my time stalking him and judging him cause I've got better things to do like clear my fucking room), you probably moved on. And you probably met someone better/prettier/skinnier than me. One question I really regret not asking you is "Was it all real or were you just playin'?" But too bad, it's the chances we take and I didn't take it when I could. 

I wouldn't say I'm much happier now without him. I still find myself thinking about him and missing him every now and then. But at least now I'm able to say I'm in the process of moving on. 

I'm doing something I never done before which is to date someone after a breakup. I don't know why I'm doing this. I really don't know if I'm really falling for someone else or I'm just attracted to the love and attention someone else is showering, which is something you didn't  exactly do. Or maybe I'm just giving myself a chance to find someone new. 

I feel so fucked up knowing that I can't exactly get over him but I'm seeing someone else. It's really fucking fucked up. It's just not me to do something like that. I just hate the feeling even though I know it's better to move on. 

I finally decided to move on cause what's the point of me holding onto someone who really don't intend on coming back? What's the point of me showering my love to someone who doesn't love me back the same way I love them? What's the point of caring about someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about what happen to you? What's the point of being so happy whenever I see you but cry so much when I'm at home just cause I acknowledge and understand that nothing more is ever gonna happen again and it's just my imagination that things would work out? What's the point of me missing you so much when there's a possibilty you're missing someone else? 

I'm starting to get a little teary. But it's okay, cause I know it's probably the last time I'll be crying over him. Hopefully, the last. Still fucking miss him but I just have to move on. 

Everything I do now, I'll just question myself, what's the point? Fuckkkkk. 

Sometimes I just wish I can rewind time and re-live every moment I had with you. They were so perfect. I remember the smallest details of every event as though it happened ytd. The day you first hugged me. The day you kissed me. The day you confessed to me. The day we went on our first date. The day you called me beb. New Year's Eve & Day, the day we first went trampoline park. It just kills me more and more whenever I think about all of it and wonder if everything was real. To you at least. Cause if it wasn't real, I wouldn't be crying my ass off right now despite the amount of crap I should be doing. 

Good thing must come to an end. Maybe we were a perfect match, that's why we burnt out. 

I really thank him for everything he has done for me and taught me. It was great while it lasted. 

Loving someone is like smoking. You crave for it. When you got it, you enjoy it. But slowly it gets hotter and eventually you'll burn your lips (which is one of the most delicate places in your body. Like your heart, you must be gentle with it) and then the long term results? Lung cancer/ heartbroken. 

Okay I just came up with that so it sounds crappy. 

Goodbye for now. With hopes that things would be in my favor in the near future.