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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

it's 4.35am. 

I'm thinking bout you when I'm supposed to be missing him. 

to think of the hurt I've been through when I'm with you. you said I don't understand you, did you even let me? 

I wish I was thinking bout you right now. I thought I was doing so much better without you. Up till now, I still think bout you. I stalk you. I wanna unfollow you, but I can't bring myself to do it. Yeah we didn't do much in that 5 months, but do you know how much that short period of time meant to me? I fucking loved you. My heart races whenever I see you, I smile when you're around. You and your dumb jokes which suddenly transcends into some serious lecture. You knew that you didn't like me that much. I knew that. Why didn't you just push me away? Why did you continue dating me when you already knew? You said you were afraid of hurting people's feelings whenever that's what you constantly do. You couldn't bear to tell Ella that you're not interested in her. But you could bear to hurt me, intentionally or unintentionally, I don't know. You say I contradict myself a lot. What about you? The day you stood super close to me when I was ordering chicken rice. You knew the guy at the chicken rice store liked me. Why did you make him jealous then? 

Remember us at Holland Village after work? Did you know how happy that made me? when you asked me if I had plans afterwards. The way you held me in the bus? You holding my hand? Was that nothing to you? 

Remember New Year's Day? When I finally agreed climbing on to the parapet which was 10 storeys high? I was scared but you assured me. When we spent 2 hours on a rooftop in an abondoned building. When we walked to cold storage and literally walk at every aisle and ask each other which brands of toothpaste we were using and which pad brand I used? When we shopped at 3 patrol stations cause we were indecisive and hungry? When I forced you to eat cause you were hungry but didn't want to eat? When we walked to hort park and I was teaching you Chinese? When gave up half way up the bridge cause we were so damn tired? When we fell asleep in the double decker and bus captain had to wake us up? 

Did you not remember all that? 

Or was it just a phase for you? like some kind of game? Why did you lead me on? what was your intention? 

Remember the day... where you asked me what I really want? And I told you I wanted us to go back the way it was, and restart everything if we had to. Did you know how much it hurts when you said you didn't want that, you want me to leave and you weren't returning? Did you not feel pain at all when I burst out crying? There clearly was a lack of emotions there. 

Everytime you ask me to do something, I try my best and do it. When you're angry, I keep my cool even if it's your fault and take the blame. You still weren't happy. The only reason why I took all the blame is cause I didn't want to lose you. The only reason why I kept texting to you is cause I'm afraid of losing you. I never wanted to be clingy. 

And you dared to say I didn't understand you? You fucking told me that you'd rather keep all your problems to yourself. Then don't fucking blame me for not being understand if you wouldn't give me a chance to. 

If you said I'm too young to understand crap then why even date me in the first place? Oh no sorry isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to take away the pain and neither will it fix this broken heart. 

Too fucking bad that I didn't leave you earlier even when I knew you didn't want me in your life. I should have left sooner. 

If only you knew, my love for you was true. 

But it's okay now, you're happy. That's all that matters.