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Thursday, June 4, 2015

I'm not at my most sober state right now, I know. So much shit has happened this week I don't even know where to begin. This have been the drink I've been yearning for cause I really need one. 

Not only did I just lose my job, I lose the guy I had feelings for. It's the second time someone played my feelings in the past 6 months. Furthermore, I have no source of 
income right now. It's a minor thing to people, I know. They just don't know what's anxiety. I'm very much afraid of changes and making mistakes. If something changes, I'm just afraid I'll screw something up, make a mistake and embarrass myself. I don't like change. It's a scary phase and I just want someone by my side to support me. But too fucking bad that guys these days are not who they seem to be. I just wish I really had someone I could depend on and fully trust and fully have to myself to be there for me. It's just really lonely having to go through every single shit all by yourself. I just want the love I never gotten from my family. I grew up getting called a prostitute, useless and burden to everyone. How do you expect me to let it go? I was so young and innocent and people are already calling me that. Now I'm pretty much fucked up, what makes myself think that people wouldn't thing the same? Yeah, I agree that I'm good for nothing and a burden. I know the things I do are causing hurt to the people I love. I just wished people understand how it feels like to want to commit suicide every single fucking day. But they don't, so I understand and I wouldn't blame them, It's just so hard trying to live up to everyone's expectations but not to my happiness. Afterall I deserve to be happy cause it's my life. 

I just want to be happy. 

Why the fuck is that so fucking hard? 

I just want someone to love me for I am, and not for my looks or what I'm not. 

Yeah I do like hearing people complimenting me, it just makes me feel better. And yeah, I deny that and claims people are bullshitting. But it's just the little things that makes me smile. It's just too fucking bad that this fucking world is all about being pretty/skinny. No one appreciates all the other people who are born chubbier than the others or just not so good looking. For fuck's sake I didn't fucking choose to look or be like that, no one fucking did. 

Why can't just people be nicer to each other? and at least more understanding. 

Do you know how fucking hard it is, to just think about suicide every single fucking day. To just want to cut yourself cause you genuinely feel good, and it has nothing to do with the attention you're getting? Do you know how tiring and painful it is to hide your scars? you're doing it for yourself but you know no one is going to like seeing it. And it hurts so fucking badly when it rub against the sleeves. Do you know how fucking scary it is to see how deep you've cut? Yeah people would just say "then don't do jt" but once again, they wouldn't understand a single fucking thing. It just feels so good whenever you see the blood coming out and know that you might actually bleed yourself to death but the cold hard truth hits you so fucking badly when you realize that it's impossible to die that way or you can't die just yet cause you don't want to see your parent heartbroken. I'm doing everything right now for my mum. That's why I'm not happy. Yeah I like seeing my mother happy. But seriously? do you wanna do something that you don't exactly enjoy just to see someone else being happy? if you still are, then good for you. but if you're like me and you just want to make yourself happy, then you'll understand how I feel. 

Everything I do right now, It's just for the sake of my mum. Or else, I'll be working instead of studying right now. Seriously, I just want to do anything I can to help my mum to lessen the financial burden. But school is just in the way from allowing that to happen. I just really want to support myself so I don't have to rely on my mother anymore. I've learnt to earn my own money and wash my clothes. That's probably almost eveything I need to know. I have clean clothes to go to work with. That's pretty much enough. 

I should just get off the internet now cause I'm really not in a suitable state for me to be talking. So, enjoy your life, be happy always and take care of yourself. Goodnight. 


  1. Hi.... hope you see this comment and reply if you want to I'm from the same ite as you but different course. I stalked you from your instagram to here I didn't read your post but I just commented last time but this time I read the whole thing and I teared. I liked you that's why I stalked you. I feel you in some of your sentence. I'm just a ugly guy with low self esteem because I'm ugly. To tell the truth I like you for your looks but now I like you for who you are. You said you're ugly but I find you beautiful(beautiful meaning your heart you and your character.) because if you ask a ugly person and a person with avarage beauty level to stand side by side the person who is judging will find the person with avarage beauty level beautiful. In this case I'm the ugly guy and you're the person with avarage beauty/beautiful. Hope you understand my English coz i just a NT student. I really wanna help you if I could talk to you. Coz that's what I do I help people whom I like. They gain happiness coz i joke to make them happy and guide them to happiness. In the end I get thrown after helping them. But I still continue helping people. Hope you reply

  2. I feel you too for the part where ppl judged you by say you a prostitute. Coz i was and I'm still being judged as crazy for having dyslexia by my parents coz they didn't understand and by my classmates. I was being judged as crazy for having dyslexia, which is just reading difficulties. I just read slower than normal people. Maybe that's the reason why the girl I love alot didn't love me. Maybe she too thought I was crazy.