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Friday, June 19, 2015

It's been a pretty long time since I touched this space. I'm still pretty shocked that this space is still alive. So much has been happening, everything moving too fast. Too much people coming into my life and a lot leaving too. I'm just at a state where I'm really trying to figure out who (or even what) am I. I've been thinking more than I'm supposed to, constantly struggling to keep up with reality. I miss the past so badly. It's like I need to go back and re-live everything. Have actual legit feelings again. The more people come and go, the more emotionless I feel. I'm tired of people leaving, to a point where I just wanna shut everyone out.

I just pretend so much everyday. It's like I'm an actress living in my own drama, no directors, no script.

I'm really tired you know, tired from doing what I do everyday. I act like I'm okay looking this way, I act like I'm happy, I act like nothing's wrong, I act like I care about other people.

Honestly, I've stopped caring for others. What's the point? You're no one to control someone, even if you tell them to do something, they'll do otherwise. Even if you care, most of them wouldn't appreciate even though they claim they do. Actions speaks louder than words. The only thing I should really be concern of is my own happiness. And obviously everything is restricting me from my happiness. I'm truly happy to be not studying. Like I really enjoy being at home, I even started doing household chores more often cause I finally feel like this is home when I spend more time at home rather than be in school or at work. I feel like there's a reason to contribute here now. I'm literally considering dropping out of school right now and put financial issues as a reason. Furthermore I can start working more often which means more income. With that income, I can support myself and if I want to take up the course, I can do it again. My main intention is to really let me settle down for awhile. I really really need a rest. Yeah I'm having my holidays right now. But I need to work cause I got no income next month. Even if I start working next week, I'm only able to work for 2 weeks. Cause school's gonna start. If there's no school, I can work part time and don't have to worry bout not having enough sleep. I really don't mind people looking down on me and calling me a school dropout cause I'm trying to support myself and if they are not happy with that, they are more than welcome to fuck out of my life. I just really want money right now.

"Wow greedy bitch" you must be thinking. "Money is not all that matters" HAHA joke of the millennium . Let's be real. You're in 2015. Money is literally controlling everything. You want education? Money. You want to be healthy? Money. Think about it, everything requires money. If you have no money, you're literally gonna suffer all your life. If my mum didn't have those debts, I'm a 1000% sure that I can buy all the clothes I want right now and I'll be going on a vacation. I won't have to worry that I got no income to pay for my phone instalments. My mum doesn't have to worry bout not having enough money to support me and my brother for next month.

The main cause of my mum's suffering is really not my father leaving her. It's the money she has to fork out to settle the debts and then deciding if we have enough to spend for the rest of the month.

Ohgosh, I'm starting to get really desperate for money. And if you were to ask me if I'm willing to sell my body for money, I'd say yes but only when my mum really cannot support me anymore. It's not that I have no respect for my body. WE ARE AT WITS END. We seeked help from counselling centres and the specific authorities. We got rejected. Applied FAS in secondary school, got rejected thrice. Applied FAS in ITE, got declined. What's the point of all these helps when they are not willing to go by a case by case basis and really understand what everyone is going through. If they are really willing to help, they will take the time and effort to go through case by case and not reject on one look. Like I said, everything is about money, they just wanna do their job and not give themselves so much trouble. Self centered people.

You see not many people have a heart nowadays. It's like a virus, you do it to someone, they start learning and do the same to others. The cycle repeats. Everyone becomes ruthless, selfish, greedy and really really arrogant. Everyone thinks they are better than everyone else and always criticise those who are not up to their standards cause they feel good. Yeah it's good to think you're better that you're better than everyone but only when you wanna feel confident, not competitively.

I really have no idea how we digressed till this topic but yeah I digress a lot.

Ahh fuck. Just really need like a million dollars. A million dollars is the key to my happiness. Really. But that's just ridiculous.

Whatever, fuck life. I just need a break and figure out who I really am and get my shit together before I literally break down or just commit suicide out of stress and depression. It won't be long if this goes on. Mark my words.

1 comment:

  1. Hope I can help you because I feel you and I want to help you😊