17

It's been a very unstable year for me. I thought I started it all right when the clock struck midnight on January 1st this year. I thought that things were going to get better in 2015, I thought I was going to have the worse birthday again this year. But I was wrong about everything. I got played, things at home is getting worse day by day. I've been very depressed lately. My anxiety is easily triggered. I've never felt worse than this.

It was the worse a day before my birthday. I really wanted to commit suicide. Blade by my side, cried till I could fall back asleep after my mum woke me up in the morning just to scold me. Woke up at 10 and all I wanted to do was to commit suicide. I switched my phone off so no one could contact me and so I could just be alone for the entire day. Turned out that I've pissed some people off big time and they are refusing to talk to me.

I just put it away and tried my best to enjoy my day. Darryl and Kitty came over in the morning to wish me and give me my cake before leaving for school. I went home to shower before leaving for USS. For the first time in 3 years, I was finally happy on my birthday. Spent the whole day alone and it was great. Yeah it was lonely, but so what, no drama no trouble. Just me, embracing myself. Met Kirin and the rest for dinner and it was great.Went home at like 1130 and Princeton called and ask me to come down asap. I thought he was going to do something sweet like surprising me with a cake and what not but no, instead he brought me to SQ and decided to slack at there together with Shan and Sathiya. Guys, that's not the place to be at 1am. Fucking scary place, like super bad vibes. I'm still a little traumatized by the whole incident. The entire fucking time I was looking down on the ground cause I was fucking scared to look up. Producing cold sweat the entire time, when we reached, holy crap, I heard someone singing in the trees and that's not all, I can clearly hear someone walking through the bushes. They said there were monkeys. But monkeys don't walk on ground, they climb and swing from tree to tree. I'm super uneasy writing this. Seriously. Freakiest part? I genuinely saw a human figure drop from the top of a tree down straight to the road ahead of us where we were going to walk by. I almost started crying. Princeton had his arms around me, and all of a sudden his arms got heavier. I knew something was terribly wrong. Thank god nothing actually happened. Yeah, I would go back there but more mentally prepared. Fucking scary experience but a good way to end my night. Reached home at 330. Went to wash my face and leg cause I was too tired to actually shower. 

I'm writing this at 6.57am and I'm actually feeling scared so that was how scary it was. Oh and Princeton actually saw something. But let's not get there cause I'm super creeped out right now. To end it all, I had a really good birthday. 

I'm still a little bumped out that certain people are not talking to me at all just because of my selfish act. Yeah I would totally understand and I even apologized cause I know I was at fault. But screw it man. I did my part. I'm giving them time right now. Even if they are done with me I'd totally understand cause let's be real, who would actually want to be friends with me. It was the first time I actually really shut everyone out cause I broke down. It's okay and I don't expect anyone to empathise with me. No one went through what I went through and they'll never ever understand the pain of it all. And that's totally fine. Sometimes I really wanna tell people what's wrong with me but I feel like I'll just bore them out or I feel like I'm a burden to them. Not like anyone could actually solve my problems. Yeah maybe I'll feel better, maybe. Most of the time I just thank people for their concern so I don't waste anymore of their precious time. Not that I don't appreciate it, but once again, it's not like anyone could ever solve my problems. 

But look at the bright side, I can commit suicide and not worry bout leaving anyone alone in this world. 

Being in solitary can be really lonely, but let's face it, less drama and less problems. Yeah we all need somebody but that somebody has to leave one day. 

I don't like how everything is right now, but what can I possibly do? Go on my knees and beg that they'll tell me how they feel? If you want to talk to me, talk to me. It's not like they don't know about me. I've made it very clear all the time, if there's something you wanna tell me, just tell me straight in the face, don't beat around the bushes. Yeah the truth will hurt but it's better than lying right? I understand if you need some space and will totally give you the time to do so, but if you're gonna take weeks and months, then don't even bother salvaging anything. People get impatient too. They can't simply wait around just for you. Yeah I MIA-ed for like what 16hrs? But at least I got back to y'all right. I didn't leave y'all hanging. It wasn't right, but I did it on impulse. Y'all are doing it cause y'all are pissed at me. If you think you're done with me or there's someone better out there, fine, go ahead. I won't stop y'all. 

People come and go, just a matter of time. 

I don't know when I'll die, I really don't. But you better hope it's not too late for y'all cause you guys don't be regretting telling me whatever y'all wanna tell me. I'm pretty happy with my life right now even though it isn't the best and yeah I complain a lot. But I'm pretty much used to everything right now. It gets much more painful to live everyday but I can live with that shit cause I'm expecting it. 

If there's anything I said wrong, I'm sorry. You left me hanging and all I could do was assume. 

What I did that day wasn't right. I don't regret doing it but I am sincerely sorry that I made you guys worried the entire day. I've said my piece and I hope to hear yours too.