lovefools

Disclaimer; lengthy post and photo might be disturbing to readers. 

did I get your attention? 

I was looking out of my window to take a break from studying (okay I'm lying, I was watching Gossip Girls) and I saw this lady walking in the middle of the road. I assumed she was drunk so I just looked on to see if she's like super drunk or what. I realized things took a turn for the worse when she started crying. At that moment I knew I had to go down and assist her. I called my (extremely useless) brother to follow since he used to be in the force during NS and he probably knows what to do. I literally ran all the way (probably ran faster than my 2.4) only to realized the police had already reached the scene. There was another lady with her daughter asked what happened and I told her what I saw. She said she saw it too and she called the police. This shows how efficient Singapore police is, really. She called them less than 5 mins ago and they're already at the scene. I stood at the other side of the traffic light with her daughter while she goes over and try to help. I heard what the lady was saying and it made me think a lot. I wouldn't tell you what she said cause it's really her problems. But what I've realized from all this?; People would do anything for love, even if it means hurting themselves. 

So you must be wondering, why the attention seeking photo? Cause I'm one of those fools who would do anything for love. 

That photo was from Feb, when I was depressed about the one I love. I promised not to speak about him again but here I go. This happened on the night of Valentine's Day and early hours of Febuary 15th. I met him after Chingay and it was after work for him. I asked him to buy alcohol for me cause I needed a drink. We walked to Clarke Quay while drinking and I got a little emotional. He probably didn't want to entertain my bullshit so he said he wanted to go home. I asked him to go if he wants and he really left. Sitting alone at Clarke Quay at 2am, I was crying. I sat there till 3am and decided to take the cab home cause there were too many drunkards around. I reached home and the first thing I took was (no, not my blade) a bottle of liquor. I opened it up and started drinking. With one gulp, I realized I drank half a bottle already. Neat, no mixtures or whatever. I continued taking sips of it and crying (like some dramatic movie or the scene of I Know I'm Not The Only One // Sam Smith) I got super tipsy and took my blade. I just started cutting over and over again. It didn't hurt. It really didn't. The only thing that really hurt was my heart and feelings. I could run my blade across the same slit I made and it wouldn't hurt at all just cause there's another pain that was distracting me. I cried non stop. I wanted the easy way out. 

How could it have hurt so badly? How could you tell me you like me but act as though you disliked me? How could you just play with something so fragile like my heart? And now? How can you just act like nothing ever happened before? How did you move on so quickly? Did those 5 months mean nothing to you at all? Were you just messing with me? 

Yeah I'm dating someone else now but do you know whenever I'm with him, I subconsciously talk about you and he has to change topics. Do you know when I'm with him I think of all those times I had with you? Do you know whenever we take the bus home together and I lie on his shoulders, you're all that I think of. It sucks for me to say all these you know. It's been a month since you asked me to leave you. Yeah only a month and it felt like it's been months since I last entertained your bullshit. 

I just wished everything worked out differently. But it's over now. No point crying over spilled milk. When you love someone, you'll do all the stupid shit for them, even if it means hurting yourself and leaving scars on your body for the rest of your life. Even when you know they'll still leave in the end and you'll be the loser with the scar while they have none. Even when you already knew that they don't love you anymore.