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Sunday, August 23, 2015

I'm stuck with the choice of being happy or being forced. Any normal human being with the right mind would choose being happy. But here's the thing; If I choose being happy, I'm going to regret in the future. If I choose to be forced, I'm going to live the next 1 1/4 year being unhappy, tired, stressed and demotivated. That gives me another perfectly logical reason to choose being happy now.

I've cried the entire day yesterday trying to make up my mind. It's the moment I've been waiting for. The time where I finally get to drop out, but now I'm just so afraid to make the choice. I really want to get out of this hell hole. But at the same time, I don't want to create bad blood between people who have actually impacted and cared for me.

It has been a hell of a ride ever since I entered ITE. Both good and bad. But maybe and just maybe there are better things that awaits me in the near future. I can spend more time earning more money. I can spend time catching up on my sleep. I'm free to do whatever I want to do. I've got time to reflect and plan for the future, or at least come up with a rough idea on what I'm going to do in the near future.

Actually I've made up my mind. I'd obviously choose dropping out. 
24/08/15 2.30am

I've unintentionally hurt people's feelings. People that I love. People that I hope I can call true friends for the rest of my life. I won't live long you see. 

I've been contemplating suicide for the longest time ever. The most in a year. I've never felt worse than this. One after the other. 

I just wish I had no feelings. So I wouldn't feel the pain, the sadness and even the happiness. Nothing last forever, so does the pain, the sadness and the happiness. Life is a rollercoaster ride, like they say. You wait so long in line just for the 90sec of thrill you experience before you continue with what you're doing. Same thing applies here. You suffer so much and for so long. When you finally get to be happy, it's over in a blink of an eye. 

People think I'm stupid. Really. Wait till they get into my brain. They'll understand why I think this way. There are so many logical reasons why things work in a certain way, and many can be done in other ways. Just that people are afraid of the future and/or consequences that it might or might not happen. 

People worry too much, so do I. Take the chances you see, and take that leap of faith. You'll never know what it may bring. Good or bad, let's face it, in life, things will never go according to plan. You just have to compromise with the situation and make the best out of it. 

I wouldn't say I'm very smart either. I make dumb choices too, some might not comprehend to why I make certain choice. And honestly, sometimes I don't too. But everyone does the exact same fucking thing. Certain choices that I make, I regret them, but I can't blame anyone for it cause I chose them myself. 

I am sorry for hurting people's feelings unintentionally. But if you can't support my choices, I don't get why you want to be friends with me. 

As easy as I may have said it, it is easier said than done. 

Have courage, be kind.

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