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Saturday, September 19, 2015

I almost forgot how it felt to be these lonely and quiet at home. 

I've been spending so many days with you over at my house and everytime you were around, the only thing you could hear is laughter and singing. Or maybe the sound from the movie we were watching. 

I'm home alone today and I'm just feeling this very negative vibe in my heart. This loneliness that engulfs me. It's never been this quiet for awhile now.  

This constant urge to cry for the past three days have been bothering me. Like I just want to cry for no reason. Today I might have finally have a reason to cry. But I wouldn't cause I promised myself to not cry over you as I've told myself not to expect too much. I honestly don't feel hurt or sad. I feel numb, like I don't know what to feel anymore. That's why I wanna cry. It feels oddly uncomfortable and it's more or less affecting my mood. 

On the other hand, I might just be overthinking once again. Which I shouldn't be doing. I just need someone to tell me what's going on and tell me all the things that I need to know. 

I'm extremely fearful of everything right now cause I know how weak I am right now. I don't want to keep trying and end up failing again cause i'm reaching my breaking point. I don't want to go back there cause I don't want to hurt myself again. I just want things to go my way and be happy. 

At the end of the day, we're just humans drunk on the idea that only love could heal our brokenness. 

"I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of the point of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, leaving me with some kind of proof it's not a dream."
Smoking wouldn't kill me. Overthinking would. 

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