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Monday, October 5, 2015

A million and one things rushing through my mind.

Barely 3am yet, another 45mins there.

All I could actually think about is you. It always have. This halo effect is too strong. I see the flaws in you, I do. But I seem to ignore it, the same way I did to Sharif and look what happened, lol.

You mean so much to me, but what about you? What am I to you? Just a friend? Probably.

The day that you admitted that you're still in love with her, broke my fucking heart. I can never stop thinking about it till now. Yeah it takes time and I already know, I saw it coming. But I really don't get why the fuck is it hurting so fucking badly. I mean I already said that I was going to give you time. But everytime I see you, it makes me want to yearn for you more. I can never get bored of your stupid retarded face which is surprising cause I get bored of people really easily. If I'm not bored or irritated by you, you should be really proud of yourself.

I still question myself why the fuck am I so deeply intrigued by you. I ask myself if I should really wait or just move on because people like me do not deserve a precious gem like you. You belong to pretty girls who have much much more to offer. I'm just a potato while the other girls are glorious cheese fries. I would totally understand if you don't like me. Cause I don't like myself too, lol.

And if it wasn't obvious enough, I fell right back to my dark pits of thoughts. I'm more comfortable living a tough life with the devil rather than living a carefree and happy life with the angels. I'd rather be crying rather than convincing myself that faking my happiness would eventually make me happy. I'm tired of constantly reminding about my self worthiness and the importance of my presence. Basically, I don't enjoy being fake.

I keep telling people that I can be mean if I want to, they think I'm bullshitting, why? Not cause I'm scared, but cause I know how I'm like when I'm mean.

But looking at things now, I'd rather be the devil over the angel.

I've been way too lonely for way too long.

I just want someone by my side you know. I really miss that. Knowing that someone loves you cause they constantly remind you everyday. It's just the really nice feeling you get when you're together with someone and they put effort into your happiness. That feeling that everyone yearns for.

I'm just really sad that whenever I like someone, they use it to their advantage or they don't even give a chance. Or that they're in love with someone else.

Like, when's my turn? to actually have someone who will actually like me back and love me back the way I love them.

Makes me question if I should actually like anyone, cause like why the fuck should I give you something that I want. Do you even deserve it in the first place? People are just fucking lucky that I'm soft hearted ah.

I'm so lost right now.

I just hope things will go smoothly for me.

"Hope is a dangerous thing"

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