I've been doing good for the past few days. Changing my mindset. No negative thinking and all. 

But it came to a point where I was just suppressing my negativity rather than getting rid of it. I don't want to force myself. It's like I've been so comfortable living in the darkness and crying everyday rather than being in the light and just smiling and laughing at every thing. Like how you on the light in a dark room all of a sudden. I'm just not used to it. I like how it makes me feel, more energized and genuinely happier. But I just feel like that isn't me. Yes I'm cheerful and happy go lucky, as what others think of me. But I just feel like something's not right. 

Afterall, change is constant and takes time right? 

I guess I'm just so used to being that person who was constantly putting on a façade. Constantly concealing all these emotions that I have deep inside of me. 

I've stopped thinking of suicide which is good. Well, at least something good's happening. 

There are things bothering me, but it's beyond my control. So I'm trying to let it go as holding on will cause it to hurt more. 

What are the chances that things will go right for me for once? 

I just can't stop pondering. It's hard to decipher everything right now in this state. 

I guess I've been too spoilt as I get most of the things I want by hook or crook. And this thing that I want now, is pretty hard to get. It's more valuable than money. Richer than anything else in the world. Wanted by many but always given to the wrong person. Love. 

I'm still learning to accept and love myself. Whatever I can change, I'm taking baby steps to improve. How can I possibly love someone when I can't love myself first right? 

I think about it everynight. How lucky and blessed would I be to have you? I guess we just have to wait and find out. 

Good things happen to those who wait. 

je t'aime, mon amour.

en attendant, je vais attendre,

ça fait mal, mais c'est ok.