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Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I was scrolling through my instagram feed where I chanced upon my pri school mate's post. She was talking about how when she was doing cashiering while serving this Malay family, it made her think about the past with her family too. She mentioned how lonely she felt and how she envied their bond as the eldest son seemed to be around the same age as us.

I totally understand what she is going through. Things are different now in 2015. In 2003, I can still remember my family being so close. We would go out for family dinner despite all the quarrelling and my dad's cheating behaviours. We would still find time to watch TV together and do what other family does, have fun. Although it was already shit at that period of time, there are a lot of things that I miss so dearly and wish would still happen now.

I'd never expected to have a step mother back then despite already foreseeing that my parents would separate one day. Things are way different now. It's normal to hear about how other people's parents are divorced or going through some sort of major problem. Minor problems are common and if there are no problems then something is terribly wrong.

I used to blame the adults for being so selfish and not considering the fact that people would be hurt by their decision to separate. As I grew older, I realized that staying would just make the wound deeper and naturally it would hurt more. "Sometimes letting go is better than holding on." It'll hurt no matter what the outcome is. So might as well do something that would eventually heal one day right?

She also mentioned that she'd rather turn to her friends over her family. And this I also understand because I did that not once not twice. I've always been the only one alone at home. I was usually not allowed to go out with my friends. So when I rebelled against my mother until I would stay out late with my friends. The attention I get from them was what I always wanted. People actually listen to what I have to say, we laugh together and it feels like genuine happiness. I regarded my friends as family. Just that whenever I quarrelled with my parents at night (which is pretty late) all my friends are already asleep and I have no one to turn to, which totally contradicts the "I'll always be here for you" card. You eventually realize that it's just pure bullshit and no one would actually be there for you 24/7 cause they have their own lives too. You are always there for yourself. That's why you gotta be friends with yourself. Learn to calm yourself down, make yourself wiser so you don't do stupid stuff when you're feeling down and all. You just gotta learn to love yourself so that you can survive.

Yeah I do miss the past, but do I wanna go back there? Nope. I like how things are right now. And I'm pretty sure that things back then was worse than how it is right now. I remember how troublesome it was to constantly go down to Cantonment HQ for all the unnecessary shit that someone decided to put me through. And if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Yeah I have loads of flaws which I'm slowly improving now. I'm the most positive right now in the past 2 years. I haven't thought of suicide or cutting in like the past weeks and that's already a great improvements. I've been feeling so much happier because I choose to be. I'm ready to talk about my past anytime because it doesn't affect me anymore, I'm learning to let go of some part of it which I still hold grudges, like my family not showing enough attention to me and the words they used to degrade me and all. I was deeply hurt by all that and have been holding on to that for years now. It's so hard to let all of it go but I have to if I want to be happy.

I cannot stop being grateful for the people around me right now. Thank god that I surrounded myself with the best bunch of people, Firzanah, Asylah, Kirin and Darryl. I swear that if it weren't for y'all, I'll probably be like dead or like some depressed loser at home right now. I'm still not 100% satisfied with my family but hey, nothing's perfect right? It's okay. I'm thankful that I still have a roof over my head and I still have my mum and brother by my side despite that they can be wankers sometimes.

The past was fun, the future is unpredictable and literally anything can happen. Don't worry about what happens tmrw. Just live today and be happy. I'm not asking you to go with the flow. Seriously, what's the point of worrying about tmrw, you don't even know what exactly is going to happen. And whatever that comes in the day itself, make the best out of the situation.

Do whatever the fuck that makes you happy, not others. (unless it includes physically hurting people or yourself, don't do it)

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