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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Heartfelt Thoughts & Apologies

If I asked for your forgiveness, would you forgive me?

If I explained myself, would you understand?

If I talked to you, would you even listen to what I have to say?


This were the things that are in my mind. I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I wanted to give you time to cool off. But now I don't even know how to approach you anymore. I'm afraid that when I approach you, you'll think that I'm there just to get my phone back. Which is half true cause I need my phone for other stuff as well. I can't go on like that anymore. It was selfish of you to take away my phone but I understood why you did it. And honestly, I wouldn't blame you or hate you for doing it.

The past few days haven't been easy. I've always struggled with my self-worth. And now my worst nightmares are coming true; to be a nobody. Constant thoughts to end my life but I constantly manage to convince myself not to do anything stupid. I'm hoping that I'll continue to be able to convince myself. I'm afraid that one day I'll be driven to a point where I just can't take it any further and it just happen. It scares me so much you know. I immediately regretted my actions that day. I didn't intend for anyone to bother you.

Isn't it sad how I have to turn to the cyber world to release the constant flood of thoughts in my mind? I just find it so hard to talk to you, not that I don't want to. It's just that when I want to talk to you, you don't seem to be paying attention. When I try to tell you things, you either act irrationally or you just refuse to accept what I have to say.

I didn't mean to become this monster that I am right now. Nobody's perfect. I can't constantly live up to your expectations because, you know, that's simply impossible. You can't just keep having high expectations of me, even when I remind you not to, because I know I can't live up to all your expectations and therefore resulting in so much disappointments. Eventually causing you to be hurt all the time. It's not that I don't want to listen to you. I just have too much things on my mind, and when you tell me things, everything just adds up and eventually I don't get things done because I'm just thinking about all these things. I know you'll take it as I'm giving you excuse, and I agree that I can't always play this card. On this part, it's my fault too. And I apologize.

I've told you from the start even before I dropped out from school that when I have my off days. I just really wanna enjoy myself. And I agree I shouldn't be neglecting the house chores cause I still live in this house and I have a part to play in maintaining the house. But I just don't get why you constantly expect me to be home to do everything. I don't see my brother sweeping the house let alone wash the plates. Yes I know I don't do them either. I'm not trying to compare or purposely bring this up. But what I'm trying to say is, I don't get why you constantly put pressure on me, if you're gonna say I'm a girl, that is honestly not a legit answer. And if you're gonna say that he's tired or we're living under the same roof, we have to do the housework. I really don't see him doing any of the household chores either. Even on his off days. Let's be real. As I'm writing this, I'm honestly reflecting and making a plan for myself as well. I know talk is cheap, but I've learnt my lesson, the hard way, and probably the only way I'll ever learn. But that's just me. Please give me time to change and get my shit together. (It's still not an excuse to take my phone cause I need it for work- This is a legit reason)

Yes I agreed when I said "My friends are more important".  They are important, I won't deny that, but it's stupid (sorry) to compare like that. And I was saying that sarcastically, you should have known. It was stupid of me to do that, but I was just really pissed off because you were putting words in my mouth and assuming a lot of things. I've told you countless times not to assume cause that's only gonna hurt you. It'll bring you to nowhere, just anger. That's just one of the few things I dislike about you. But it's just you and I would understand it. I didn't even understand why were you dragging into my friends into all of this. And when you said that I don't talk to my friends that way, trust me, I do worse. And I can promise you that you'll never want me to speak to you like that ever. I still respect you as an authority figure.

I've always believed that love is accepting someone for who they are. Love is patient, love is kind. But why did you make love seem like it's always bad. I can empathize with the lyric you give love a bad name. I'm not saying that you don't love me or whatever, I know you still love me. It's you, I understand. Everyone expresses everything differently right? But some things have to change. If you expect me to change, then you should consider making a few changes as well. It takes two hands to clap. If I'm the one constantly changing just to make you happy, it's extremely unfair to me because after all, I have my own life and I really don't want to live to please people.

You just have to trust me in whatever I'm doing, you don't say it but I know that you're still disappointed that I've chose to drop out despite you constantly trying to talk me out. If you can't accept it, you'll never be happy. I'm sorry that I've disappointed you but I know what I'm doing and I have people like you and my friends to guide me along the way. You're not the only one who is disappointed that I dropped out of school. Majority of my friends are as well, but they trust that I'll be okay. You just have to trust me. If there's no trust, this relationship can never work. No trust = no relationship. I'm sure you've heard of this. Have you ever considered this to why we always have conflicts?

I know you want the best for me, but do you really think I want the worst for myself?

It's not like I stay home everyday and do nothing. And yes, I should help out with the house chores when I have my off days. That's why I've decided to make all my weekends free so I can stay home to do house chores. Of course some days I'll hang out with my friends because after all I'm only 18. I want to live in the moment, enjoy my life when I'm still young. It might be once in awhile, it may be every week but I can promise you one thing for sure, I'll get the basics done; my room, vacuuming the house, doing my own laundry. I don't make promises I can't keep. The only reason why you keep saying that I don't keep my promises is cause you always indirectly force me to make promises I can't keep. And I hate it when I do that cause I already knew from the start that you'll just end up disappointed. It all goes back to the part where you have to trust me and stop expecting so much and be confident that I know what to do.

I really hope you would not be angry while reading this post. When you're angry, you perceive everything to be negative, if you were, please calm yourself down and re-read the entire thing. I'm not expressing my anger or hoping that you will sympathize me. I just hope you will understand why I did what I did. I truly did not meant for any of those things to happen and it constantly pains me to see us being this way.

To summarize everything, I just hope that you'll assume less, trust more, expect less, appreciate every small things more. Trust me, whenever you show appreciation to the smallest things I do, I get motivated to be a better person.

If you have anything you wanna talk to me, please I'll be more than willing to hear from you. But I have to emphasize that if you want me to change, you have to as well. Takes two hand to clap. It can't be that I'm the one constantly changing and you remain the same. It won't work that way.

I'm not saying I'm the best or whatever. I'm just saying all this because I want our relationship to improve. You have to be willing to listen to my opinions if you want me to listen to yours as well. I'm trying to fix all these and I just need your cooperation. This plan might fail, but it's worth the try isn't it? Things will never be perfect anyway. We just have to constantly work this out.

And I really need my phone back, I have a lot of stuff to settle. And no I don't spend all my time shopping online or chatting with my friends. I actually do a lot of logical and relevant researches and I have other things as well. And no I did not say all this just to get my phone back. I'm 18 soon and I have more than just work and home to juggle. It's irrelevant to explain here. I wrote all this because I sincerely meant it. I hope I didn't sound rude or anything here. I'm just telling you what I'm constantly feeling.

I really love you and I will never want to lose you. You're all that I have ever since he left. You always have been and will always be.

I know you still care. I do too.

I'm sorry that I've disappointed you. I never intended to hurt you. I just have my own perspective of everything else that's why I choose to do things my way. I agree I have to change some things. I'm sorry that I'm constantly hurting you but it was all unintentional. I just wish you would understand why I act/think this way and maybe then you'll stop being so affected by my actions.

I'm so sorry. I love you a lot. Please accept my forgiveness and be patient with my change. It takes time, but I promise you it will be constant and progressive.

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