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Tuesday, January 5, 2016


It's only four days into 2016 and honestly, it hasn't been the best starts. Two days in and there's a family feud. I've been phone-less and honestly I'm extremely sad about it. It's not addiction. I can put my phone down if I want to. It's just that, my phone has always been there for me when I'm having panic attack or have no one to talk to. My phone has basically became my best friend, just like anyone else. I feel so disconnected from my friends. I feel super empty, which is bad. But my phone was always my distraction from all the bad/suicidal thoughts.

I've been suicidal for the past few days. I took half a bottle of cough syrup, drank alcohol and took panadol and absolutely nothing happened to me. Which is a fucking miracle, cause I'll probably regret it when I'm about to die. It scared the shit out of me and that was why I went to work with a fucking fever and asthma that day. At least I know there's people around me and if I show signs of dying, I could get help (and into a lot of trouble).

I've been feeling so fucking shitty until just now when I finally talk to Pipin. It's like, fuck yas, someone finally understands what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't need those PCAs, really, I know them myself. I just need someone who is willing to listen and actually tells me something useful. And yes, I know, sometimes people just tries to help but they just don't know how to. Very simple actually, just stop. When you think you're helping, you're not. In actual fact, you're making it worse. So just stop. Don't try to make me feel better by saying you understand what's going on cause in actual fact, you don't. Don't do something to temporarily make me feel better, do something that's gonna hep me change the entire situation. Which was exactly what Pipin did.

And of course, I'm grateful for people like Fir(twat) for always reminding me about everything else I need to be reminded of. And also Asylah. I haven't talk to her at all since everything happened but I know she was concerned about me. Which I'm extremely thankful for.

And I know some people would be pissed off because I didn't mention their names here. Guess what, maybe you didn't deserve it. You don't just come to someone and blame that person for you skipping meals or traveling here and there for that person. If it's truly from the heart, all of this don't matter. You don't have to brag about it or be proud of it. There's nothing to be proud of, honestly. You rushed here for me? Oh thank you, I appreciate it. But I don't appreciate you bragging about the "greatness of your concern". You just irritate me. Worse part is you actually said I should be thankful for a friend like you. Bitch. I'm just not gonna go on any further on this cause I really don't want to. Can't handle what I just said. Then you know what to do ah.

I'm not the best human being on earth. I know everyone is imperfect. But that is common sense. You don't do that to anyone at all. If you did it from your heart, the person would have just thank you for it. And in fact, you wouldn't even bother about it you know. You would just feel happy that the person is actually safe and someone actually recognized your efforts. You don't boast about a good deed to the exact same person you did a good deed on. You are honestly just asking for a punch in the face.

Learn to fucking behave yourself. You're talking about my private matter yet you were fucking shouting that day in public. Do you know how fucking pissed I was? And when I said I wanted to punch your face. I really wanted to. And when I say stop, you better fucking stop on the spot and not give any fucking excuses. Don't act like you're the biggest fuck to me cause honestly you're not. Just because we talk a lot and we're close to each other doesn't necessarily mean I'm okay with you acting like that.

And no I will not listen to you cause you're not the boss of me. I know what to do. If you don't know what to do, just shut the fuck up. No seriously. Just do that. I don't expect any good advices from anyone that's why I get so surprised when someone actually has something logical to say to me. I wouldn't blame you for not knowing what to do or say. But seriously, sometimes you just have to learn to shut the fuck up.

If you think I'm trash then just go ahead and leave. Cause I know even without you I can survive. I know who my true friends are. I know who I want in my life. I wouldn't say I want you gone in my life. I'm still thankful for you . But you've driven me to a point that anything you say will make me wanna punch you cause everything you say is illogical. Don't say things you can't keep up with. Like threatening people. You make yourself look so tough and scary and you wonder why people don't want to be near to you? Maybe you make yourself appear strong cause in reality you're just this timid person. You're afraid of getting hurt.

My point is, just stop boasting about everything you do. It's really irritating and it makes people like me, who doesn't believe that violence is the solution to anything, wanna punch you real hard in the face so you can just shut the fuck up. This is just my opinion, take it or not, it's up to you. Anyways, the punch might come from me or someone else, everything is in your hands.

I'm really no one to say this, but I have to. You're really not as good as you think you are. You have to realize that and only then you can change to be a better person. To a more likable person. If you go on this way, I'm sorry but I'm gonna say bye to you because I can't be with someone like you. It's just..... bad influence. You're not the only thing I have in my life.

I'm still thankful to have you as my friend. Honestly and genuinely. I'm grateful. I've spent one of my happiest days with you. So thank you.

I've so much things to settle right now and I totally don't have the time for anything. Honestly, I don't even know why the fuck am I awake right now cause it's literally 3 in the morning and I'm working full shift once again later on.

I guess I'll just head to bed right now even though I'm starving. Just realized I had my last meal at 3pm no wonder I'm so hungry.

Actually, I'm starting to consider eating first cause I'm sick af and I'll probably die if I don't eat anything now. That's all for now then. Just pray that I have food.

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