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Thursday, April 28, 2016

Baby Steps

People still ask me if how am I doing. And honestly, I really don't know what to respond. I just want to shrug my shoulders and say I don't know but that will just lead into me talking bout him once again.

It's not easy. Seeing him once in a while. Just watching him go pass just like that. I guess it hurts? I don't know. I don't have a accurate answer. He has blocked me off majority of the social medias already.

I'm moving on. Taking baby steps; one at a time. There's only so much I can handle. I do find myself thinking bout him once in awhile. Just especially more tonight. Flashbacks coming back to me one by one but I don't feel like crying. Which is a good thing I guess. I realized, after majority of my breakup, I cry harder. I usually regain my emotional strength after awhile. But not this time. It seems like I'm losing all sorts of feelings. Thankfully I still find bliss and joy in most of the things I'm doing. I keep myself busy as much as possible. I sleep in whenever I can which resulted in me sleeping till 4pm on Tuesday. At work, I either watch DOTS (And yes, I've been defeated. I loss the war of not watching K-Dramas) or re-arrange everything over and over again. I stopped sitting around and stare into blank space. I walk around more. I started talking to Yuki more as well.

I'm so lost for words right now. But thankfully, I start realizing more things. Some were reminders, some were new thoughts.

I see how one should never chase after someone who doesn't bother. You keep giving and giving to a point that when the person leaves, you're just so drained emotionally.

I see how one should never ever give in for someone so much. Always stand up for your rights and what you believe in. And obviously, do things logically. Cause in the end, you give so much, till you're left with nothing.

I see how one should never love someone so much and rely their happiness on them. You should always be happy with yourself. That's why it's so important to love yourself. It's okay to be thickskinned occasionally. It's okay to hate yourself once in awhile. After all, we're humans, not perfect. In the end, if you rely your happiness on someone, when they leaves, the best parts of you leaves as well.

Never ever let someone bring you down. It's so important and not emphasized enough. Always stay rooted in what you believe in and never let someone else's opinion affect your stands.

I'm in the process of rediscovering myself. What's my worth? What are my rights? What do I believe in? People change over a period of time. Did any of my beliefs change? What am I going to do for a change?

Remember this, how much you think you're worth, also affects how others treat you. If you say you're worthless, people will always treat you like one. This is the thing about people (Speaking generally, not necessarily everyone), they are all born sadist. They will always like to see someone below them, they will always want to be better than others. And if your friends are not like that, you my friend, should be very thankful. And there's where the saying "Choose your friends wisely" comes in.

I lost everything when I lost H. I barely have friends anymore ever since I came back from Bali. TRPB kicked me out cause I "broke the bro code" (Pfft as though I have a dick to be part of the bro code). After my breakup with him, people from his store barely talk to me anymore. Kambing has his love life and I don't want to disturb that. I was basically falling back to depression. Constantly drowning myself in alcohol. Barely eating. H was everything to me. I prioritized him first. His happiness was my happiness. I fell to deep. How can someone love someone so much within a month? I don't know. I just really loved him. I saw something more in him. He was different. I trusted him too much. I knew he was hiding things, I let it slide. I choose to see him in a positive light. Turns out I was his light cause he is the broken one. He took my light and now I'm trying to fix my light; not searching for it anymore.

In time, I'll fix myself up and ready for a new adventure. I'm still in the process of recovering. I'll be okay one day. Baby steps, one at a time. Slowly, but surely.







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