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Thursday, April 14, 2016

There are so much emotions in me right now and I don't know which should I feel first. So much thoughts in my head that are speaking to me, but I don't know which to listen to first. So many questions in my head, but no answers; just assumptions and theories.

Congratulations, you messed me up good.

In the previous post, I kept asking myself what did you see in me and why you would like me. I guess I got the answers to those questions. You don't. None of it was real. But other questions come up. How did you make it seem so real? How do you lie into someone's eyes without feeling the guilt?

What we had in between us, I can't even describe it. I don't even know how to explain to people why I fell so hard for you even though it was such a short period.

One day you're gonna meet someone who cliqued with you immediately. It's not about the way the person looks, it's just emotionally, you feel the closeness; as though you've known each other for like 10 years. But this person, they are gonna break your heart, sadly. Why? Nothing is perfect. You don't just meet someone who you know is the one just like that. Sorry but god is a real asshole eh? Just have to put you through hell before you get your reward. Too bad there's no reward here anymore.

I've honestly been feeling so shitty ever since the day I found out you were going out with her again. My heart broke, I was so numb I didn't know what to feel. I didn't cry on the spot. It took me a good hour for the numb to go away and that's when I start to break down. I downed so many cups of liquor that night, hoping that the numb would come back again. I cut myself. It felt worse than it usually did.

It so much more when you came over to pick up your stuff that very night. I couldn't bring myself to look at you. I didn't want you to see me cry, I didn't want you to see the fresh wounds on my hand. I was still concerned about your feelings. I felt so shitty that I had to call Darryl over. And that entire week I wasn't eating properly. I didn't have the mood to do anything and I was drinking every single night.

I'm not trying to be attention seeking here. This is the space where I can say what I want and whatever that is bothering me, to let me rant my heart out. The only time I'll be brutally honest and everything said here, is straight from my heart. If you want to use to your advantage, I won't stop you.

I was so broken I kept drinking every day. I was going for my long awaited vacation. I wasn't excited at all. I didn't want to do anything but I knew going for the trip would be a good idea to get my mind off things. Everyone kept telling me to put my problems in SG and enjoy in Bali. But I brought you along.

The very first night in Bali, I couldn't sleep cause I was missing you so badly. I kept looking at your polaroid and I started crying. I held your polaroid to sleep and no one knew. And every night, I would keep your polaroid next to me when I sleep. And I was dreaming about you every single night. Up till today.

There was one night where I had this very vivid dream that I still remember till this day. There was 2 actually. In the first one, you just held my hand and kept walking really fast, as though we were escaping from something. In the second one, you held my hand, looked into my eyes and said to me "You're mine". Both times I woke up crying.

And the day I returned to work, I saw you for the first time in 2 weeks. I wanted to break down again.

Yesterday you walked past my store 3 times and you just walked as though nothing ever happened. Which broke me apart. How can you act like nothing ever happened. Like, are you fucking serious? After everything we did together, and the things you said to me, you can just pretend that nothing ever happened??

I want an explanation from you. No wait, I don't want it. I need it. How do you expect me to move on when everything is so incomplete? I need closure man.

Was scrolling through twitter, and I saw a picture that said " I can't wait for someone to tell me 'You're the best thing that ever happened to me' and meant it." Then I remembered, you once told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. Oh may I correct myself, you said that quite a few times. What the fuck happened man? What the fuck happened.

"How do I live, how do I breathe. When you're not here I'm suffocating."

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