love yourself.

I like how you tell me to love myself more.

How you tell me it's so important to love myself first, as if I don't already know.

"You must first love yourself before you can love someone else"
That's what they always say. But I see what a monster I can be. I see all my flaws, weakness and ugliness. How do you see beauty in something that's beyond repair? It's like asking someone to see beauty in poop. What's the beauty of that? It stinks and really gross. It's body waste; something even the human body rejects.

That's how I feel. I reject myself so much.

I honestly wish I did things differently. I wish I can say no to people. I wish I can be more selfish to people. I wish I saw good in myself. But I honestly don't. I tend to blame myself for people's mistake, even when I know I don't have to.

I see so much flaw in myself that I can't see the beauty in myself anymore.

I'm honestly trying to love myself. I'm still learning to love myself. I stopped drinking so often, cut down on my smoking. I try sleeping earlier as well. Eating often as well.

But how do I take care of myself emotionally and mentally? All these constant worries aren't helping at all. I'm at a phase where I keep asking myself what am I going to do in the future? I really don't see a future in myself which worries me sometimes. But I'm really not interested in anything at the moment. I just wanna have fun and do whatever I want. This won't last for sure. My happiness matter more than anything else. But people don't think that way. When I say people, I specifically meant my family. If my own family can't accept me. then how do I accept myself?

Birthday coming soon and honestly, I have mixed feelings. I really don't know if I should be looking forward to it or dreading it. I'm so scared the history might repeat itself. Let's just say that my birthday isn't all joy and laughter, more to crying and suicidal thoughts.

I'm so lost in life right now. I don't even know what to do anymore except to work. I should be spoiling myself with my first pay. But here I am saving every single cent as much as I can. I foresee myself spending $200 next week already and honestly, I'm getting a little worried. I feel so adult right now.

Hopefully, everything will get better.