mistakes

Where did I go wrong?

Everything I do seems to be wrong, to you at least. All I wanted to do was to make you proud. But it seems like I keep disappointing you again and again. Nothing I do ever seems to make you happy. Up till now, I still don't get why you have such high expectations of me.

I dropped out from school knowing that it was the right thing to do since I had a plan. You didn't agree with me at first, then I tried explaining myself. You said you will support me. I'm otherwise convinced. I worked my ass off, hoping to lessen some of your burdens, but you seem to demand more. I'm not able to spend on myself. I don't get to enjoy myself. That's not what I want. Yeah we don't always get what we want, but I get to choose. To choose between making myself happy and disappointing you. Either way, someone has to be disappointed. Obviously I'll choose the one that makes me happy.

I know I haven't seen you in a long time even though we stay under the same roof. I came home and saw you were still awake and I can't even put my excitement in words. I just wanted to talk to you again and tell you how I've been. But you had other things in mind. I got scolded for not always being home. I work 7 hours under the sun, not being home for 6 days just to make sure I can support myself and I got scolded.

Y'know that feeling where after a long day at work and you just want to come home to your loved ones and just talk about your day and catch up and all. I can't do that. And it breaks my heart. I'm so tired. I could have chose to just go straight into my room and head to bed.

I always hated the birthday period. Things never go right. I feel so unappreciated in my own home. Why is no one at home ever proud of me? Why is everything I do always wrong in their eyes. This is the week where I get super suicidal and shit over everything. Up till today I still wonder how things will be like if I weren't around. Would my parents still be together? Would my mum be facing all these problems?

If you really detest me so much, why the fuck did you even give birth to me? I honestly didn't ask to be here today. I didn't ask to face all these shit. I hate my life so so much I really wish I didn't exist. It's the things you people do that makes me feel so unworthy of anything. I do everything in hopes that you'll be proud of me but I'm still waiting for that day. Will that day be the day I'm lying in the casket? Won't that be too late? I just wanna come home feeling like I'm home and not like I'm coming back to hell.

And you seriously wonder why I don't wanna be home on my birthday? After the past 3 years incident. Do you seriously think I want to be home? It really makes me feel like my birthday is some sort of curse you know. I just want to feel appreciated and loved. All I feel is I shouldn't exist.

You can tell how tired I was, you could tell I was sick. And you didn't even bother asking how I felt or anything. Am I not important?

I just wish I didn't exist