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Monday, September 5, 2016

The darkness calls my name once again. I've returned to the place I dread the most; despite it being my comfort zone. The blade calls me. I'm tempted, really. So many things going through my mind. All those negativity.

I broke down 4 times today. At times I don't even know why am I crying. I just feel so broken, so lost, so fragile, so weak. I question my self worth again. I question my existence. Do I really want to be here? I still don't know. I thought everything was going fine. I guess I was wrong, yet again.

I'm in so much pain; physically, mentally, emotionally.

I don't know why do I keep chasing someone who isn't even sure of his own feelings.
I don't know why do I constantly try so hard to make things work.
I don't know why do I like him so much.

There's something about him, the mysterious vibe he gives off. Intrigues me, attracts me, weakens me. I put my guard down and let someone play with my heart again even though it's so fragile. It's like I have forgotten how much it'd hurt to have it broken again. But at the same time, I know what I'm doing but I let it happen anyway.

I'm afraid too yknow.

Breaking down again right now. I really question my worth. Am I not good enough that people don't see a point in fighting for me? Am I that fucked up that people can't accept me and that's why they can't love me? Am I worth loving? Am I worth the risk of a heart break?

I just really really need someone to reassure me. Tell me and show me that I'm not that bad. Remind me of my worth.

How pathetic eh? Relying on someone to remind me of my own worth cause I already know I'm not that worthy of anything.

I don't even what to do next. I'm so afraid to lose you, but you don't even know if you want me in your life. Are you playing with me?

I don't know. I really don't. I don't want to bring out the blades again. I'm scared of what might happen next.

I just really don't want more scars on my arms.

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