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Thursday, September 29, 2016


6am; I can't sleep. Pondering about so many things, asking myself thousands of question. I end up getting more questions than answers every time. 

Is whatever I'm facing now my karma for the shit I've done to people, or does god just hates me that much that he wanna watch me burn in hell. 

I just realized something. Things don't get better, you just learn to handle them. That's how your struggles makes you stronger I guess. 

But I feel so tired of everything already. Nothing interests me. I lost my interests in every thing. But there's still one thing that manages to fascinate me and actually makes me heart race everytime; you. 

I don't know what is it about you honestly. You just seem to capture my attention. I find myself thinking about you all the time. I've never begged anyone to stay. Never. I always let people leave if they wanted to. But I can't seem to be without you. It almost feels like you complete me. 

Remembering those days we spent in Genting while you're sick. It felt like we were married (lol?). I felt obliged to take care of you even though you're old enough to take care of yourself. The joy I experienced when I'm with you, it was different. I don't even know how to describe it. 

I told myself to let go since there's no point in holding onto someone who doesn't want to be in my life. But I can't seem to do so. 

I honestly feel so lost. 

You complete me. 

I felt the need to achieve so much more when I'm with you. 

And now, I just feel pathetic everytime. I feel pathetic for begging you to stay. I feel pathetic that I agreed to be fwb with you just so that I can talk to you and see you again. 

I don't always cry in front of people. But I still can't decipher why I did that day. You broke me so badly, but I hate that I still love you. 

I wish I could turn back time to change everything. I wish I could change your mind. Or maybe, I wish I never had feelings for you. 

I was prepared to get myself hurt just in case all of these happened. But I didn't expect myself to fall this hard, I didn't expect it to hurt this much. 

I never said this about any other guys I've been with, but I believe you're the one. I guess we met at the wrong time. You're the one who I was actually eager to spend my whole life with. Now, I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing again. 

After all, we did meet at the time where I completely lost interest in living. I was so broken and already 99% given up on everything to a point where I didn't respect myself anymore, I didn't love myself, I didn't find a need to. You were the one who gave me the second chance in life. You gave me life again. 

The day you surprised me at the hospital. It was merely an hour, but I can't get over how much that meant to me. The fact that you came all the way down, just to make me smile, surprised me with food. I'm so reluctant to eat it even tho I'm really hungry all the time. 

What a coincidence. You just texted me. 

Oh boy. How nice would it be to have you back in my life, waking up next to you once in awhile. I would do anything, just to get that back. Even if it means I get to do that and die the next day. I would. 

I miss you so much. 

I'm sorry I'm such a mess. 

Thank you for all those memories. 
I really do hope that one day, you'll find that girl who would walk down the golden road with you. 

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