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Monday, October 3, 2016

Been thinking about you every night. You're so different from the rest. You make me so happy all the time. I miss hearing your voice, I miss your laughter, I miss waking up next to you, I miss the taste of your lips, I miss your hugs. How you would just pull me closer. Suddenly hugging me really tighlty. Everything. 

You are my everything. 

I hate this feeling right now. The feeling where I'm not able to do anything knowing that you already made your decision to move on. 

I wonder from time to time if you still miss me, if you still read our convo, if you still look at our pictures. 

I feel like I didn't do enough to make you stay. I think about that day that you left me all the time. I get reminded of the pain of you leaving. And it still fucking hurts till this day. It's gonna be a month without you. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I guess you're not just a habit huh? 

The past two weeks have been horrible. Have been missing you more and more. Thought of asking you to not talk to me anymore, but it hurts so much. I just wanna see you again, I just want you to stay. I want to undo everything I did. I want to let go of everything we had. I want this pain to go away forever. The kind of pain even painkillers can't take away. This hurts more than anything right now. 

People keep telling me I'm much better than that, how I deserve better. They just had so much to say, but they just don't understand why I love you so much. Honestly, I don't even know why I like you so much. You're just that special. I'm nothing compared to you. I wanted to be that girl who would fix your broken heart, I broke both mine and yours in the process. How pathetic. 

Up till this day, I believe you're the one. People ask me why I don't want to try for other guys, how do I try to give someone else a chance when I only have you on my mind all the time. You're all I can think about everyday. You're my downfall, you're my muse. 

This pain, it's taking over me. I'm really going crazy. The pain is starting to become physical. I've been losing sleep even when I know I need it so badly. I've been smoking so much more even when I want to cut down. I've been wanting to slash my wrist, even when I know it's not what my mom wants. 

I hate how much I love you.

"I hate that I want you, don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you" 

I have so much urge to just cut myself, bang my head against the wall, lie down in the middle of the road, OD on cough syrup or maybe drink till I KO. Anything that'll make me forget about you or just cause physical pain to myself. At least I can deal with physical pain and it'll just distract myself from you. 

Tell me how do I move on. Tell me what to do when I miss you. Tell me how can I forget about you and everything we've done together. Tell me that you moved on. Tell me you don't want to see me anymore. 

Cause it fucking hurts to just sit here, tired as hell, with my head hurting like a bitch and the ache in my heart, to know that you're happier without me. 

I'm sorry I'm not that special, I tried. 

I never knew you would mean so much to me. I wish you didn't, so it wouldn't hurt so much. So I wouldn't be here, pathetic as hell, just crying and hopelessly wishing that one day you'll come back to me. 

Take a knife and stab me. I don't know. I just want this pain to go away forever. I don't want to have feelings anymore. I wish I would cease to exist at this very moment. 

I don't know anymore. I'm so lost. I can't take any of this shit anymore. 

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