Distraction

People have always labelled me as an alcoholic. I don't know if that's a good thing or not cause technically if I'm able to afford alcohol everyday, I must be pretty stable financially (or I just have really good friends who are willing to pay for me). But anyways, main point is, I have my reasons for drinking so often.

I'm not trying to justify my actions neither am I saying what I'm doing is right. I don't think there's a need to please anyone anyway.

But here it is.

Whenever I drink, whenever I'm high, I feel happy, I feel more comfortable in my own body, I feel confident, inside and out. But isn't it pathetic how I need to rely on something to feel that way? I wish I didn't have to.

Sometimes I really get scared when I drink, cause I wonder when will I hit the limit where I just regret everything I do or when will I completely lose faith in everything and just give up on life eventually.

I'm honestly still lost on what to do with my life. It's been two years already and I'm still as lost as ever. I feel so useless. I have no energy to do anything even though I really want to be successful. Successful being genuinely content with my life and financially stable.

It feels good to have money in your hand, being able to buy whatever you want, go wherever you want, do whatever that may please yourself. Not worrying about whether I have enough lunch money for the rest of the month. They say money isn't everything. Wake the fuck up people. It's 2016, if you have no money, you're as good as nothing. You can do nothing and you're practically worth nothing. Everyone is so stressed about money, constantly worrying about paying the bills and shit.

I really do want to be successful, but in what? I honestly have no clue what I'm good at or what I want to do. I feel like I don't have the resources/requirements I actually need to experiment something new. It's always a risk taker.

For someone who have anxiety that is constantly deteriorating everyday, it's really hard to accept new environments and changes. I can't possibly keep changing and trying to adapt to new environments, I won't be able to take it.

Plus the fact that I found out that I have ADHD, I feel smaller than before.

I just want a cure to all these illness because it's terrible living like this. I can burst out in tears for the lamest reason and it just constantly affects my confidence and self- esteem.

I'm so tired of people commenting that I'm cheap just cause I do sleep around even though I don't do that anymore.

I'm breaking down all over again. I don't know what's happening to me.

I'm tired of allowing someone into my life and showing them all my weaknesses and flaws only to watch them walk away laughing at my pathetic self.

I just want to be loved, or at least feel loved back by the person I love. I want to be appreciated. I want to be happy.

That's why I'm always turning to alcohol. At least I feel happier. It feels like it takes away all my trouble.

:(

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I feel useless, I'm not wanted, I hate myself.

Someone send help. I'm scared, again.