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Wednesday, January 10, 2018

I threw everything I worked so hard for away, within one night. With the power of one thought. Just that one thought in my mind. And no one could understand why I did what I did. No one could understand what happen. And truth be told, I don't either.

I just snapped. All of a sudden. Everything came back to me, every emotion I felt, all the pain, the troubles, the nightmares that I had. Thoughts that I had at 11 years old, things that happen at 12, every pain and emotion was so real that night. I was trying to understand what was happening, I ended up crying when I got home from Shawn's place.

I cried till my eyes were too puffy to even open.

"Stop the pain, once and for all"

That was the only sentence going through my mind throughout the 4 days. I couldn't tell people what is going on. I didn't know what was going on; or why I was feeling that particular way. But I really wanted it to stop. My mind was so desperate to harm myself. My body was so desperate to shut down. My heart was empty. It felt like I was dead. I thought of the people I love, how I was going to leave them behind. I thought of how my funeral was going to be like, what people was going to say about me, the amount of people who are going to despise me for being a coward and taking the short cut.

I tried thinking happy thoughts. I couldn't. I thought about the sexual abuse, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse. I stared at the scars on my wrist. The flashbacks of the blood coming out of my skin, felt so real. It was just replaying in my head, and I could literally feel the endorphin rushing through my body at that thought.

Up till today, I have no idea why I cracked.

I lost my job, didn't get my pay, threw away a promotion I might have gotten next month. I threw everything away because I was more concerned about my mental health rather than serving ignorant tourists. I did what was right, but I still lost everything I worked for. That's the sad truth of reality. Your welfare don't actually matter.

I don't know if it's my fault for not talking about it. I mean, there's nothing to talk about. How do I start a conversation about it when I don't feel that way at the moment? It just happens. I don't know what triggered it, but it just happened. It would be really awkward if I went up to someone and tell them I constantly have suicidal thoughts. "Don't think about it" "You'll get over it" "Stay strong" I've heard enough.

I've been hearing those for a good 7 years now. It's still the same.

I guess it just sucks to be me? Karma? Punishment from being so sinful? I don't know.
It is what it is now. I just have to suck it up, deal with it and move on.

At least I got a new job. Hopefully, I don't fuck it up.

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